This past week, a client of mine presented a family situation that needed tending to. If this problem wasn't handled, then Thanksgiving was bound to set a few feathers flying. My client’s challenge was with an in-law who spoke negatively about the rest of her family. She didn’t want to hear her family bad-mouthed and had repeatedly threatened to lose her temper if it didn’t stop. This had very little effect on the critical in-law who may have thought she was still in-bounds if no tantrum was forthcoming.
The bad mouthing continued and my client was now facing a big dilemma. See, she wasn’t the kind of person who valued losing her temper. She had grown so much and no longer pulled her temper as the trump card of control. She had grown up, and now recognized that she was responsible (i.e. able to respond) to every situation in her life, pleasant or not. So what could she do now with this loud, bad-mouthing in-law?
THE MIDDLE GROUND------------- values clarified = choice
My client moved from dilemma to choice when she realized that not only did she have many values, but that these values were in an order of priority too. Perhaps clarifying them would make the best course of action more apparent...
She had listened to a lot more than her fill of negativity because she wanted to encourage her in-law to see the good in her family. She also didn’t want to lose her temper because she values her own serenity, but listening to the criticism interrupted it too.
When she realized that she wants to help people to see differently, but first must take care of herself, she clarified her values. Mental peace first, influencing others second. So how could she take care of number one in this situation?
THE SOLUTION-------------------Boundaries
My client decided that she would redefine her boundaries. That is, from this moment forward, she would no longer stand for negative talk about her family from this person. She would state her request simply and unemotionally. She would enforce it if needed by illuminating infractions ("were you aware that you just criticized my parents"). She would remove the "temper threat" and simply turn on her heel and leave if the bad mouthing continued. This solution gave her peace and recreated the relationship between her and her in-law.
Suffice it to say, I believe now that the former bad-mouther has a new found respect for a family that could produce such a wise and compassionate person as my client.
***
No dilemma is solvable, but clarity always brings real choice. What must you redefine?
Idea of the Week A Clients Thanksgiving - To learn more about this author, visit Elizabeth Mullen's Website.
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