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Guest post by: Elizabeth Mullen Become an Author

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If you were given 30 seconds to recite your values in order, the ones you base your life around, the ones you live, love and die by, could you do it?

In an informal survey, about 85% of people will either refuse, look confused, or give an answer like "you know, family values" ( I swear that I asked people outside of the Bushes too).

An interesting phenomena, but also a bit perplexing. Just how are most people making their day to day decisions without a clear understanding of their own values? How are you making your decisions?

Many people act out of emergency or necessity only, (a.k.a. react). But what determines the necessity...priority... or significance of actions to be taken? Are not these determinations made from one's values too? Does a human life in danger constitute an emergency for everyone? Or do many people value certain principals above human life? We have seen this play itself out time and time again in matters of war and religion.

The reason for knowing our own values is crucial: without this self-knowledge, we cannot make decisions easily or effectively. For the sake of our own integrity, we must act in accordance with our values. But how many of us act without truly knowing what they are, where they come from...or how to prioritize them? This is the fundamental cause of inner turmoil---conflicting values battling for priority, and causing indecision.

Without knowing (and learning how to "step out of") our own values, we cannot communicate or influence others in any meaningful way. When we act and speak (and possibly judge) others based on our value-set, we halt the process of real communication. Stepping outside of one's own values to truly hear another's is the most effective way to influence. Acknowledging another's values without judgement, creates a powerful moment when you can 'win them over'. It is at this time that you have the ability to communicate what most matters to them, and possibly help a shift to occur.

Take for instance the situation in Kosovo. How many delegations have wined, dined, and otherwise tried to convince the Serbians to stop their activities. They have not, even with the best and brightest on the diplomatic team. Is this a function of us not really understanding the underlying values that are spurring their actions? What is the Serbs highest value? What's second? What's third? Our news has given us a simplified understanding, complete with judgement: "these are definitely not American values". This has worked so far as clarifying our own values, but not been effective in influencing the behavior of the Serbs. Real and effective communication would suggest that we listen hard, watch vigilantly and analyze what is really happening (not what we think "should" be happening). When we see what is and what matters to others is when we have the ability to create unity and influence our seeming "enemy". Understanding the nuances of anyone's value-set makes real communication possible. And real communication makes harmony probable.

Where do you need a little more harmony in your life?

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