BEING GENTLE – LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF
BEING GENTLE – LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF
There are many reasons why – but surprisingly a big stumbling block is not a lack of belief or difficulties to be overcome, but that they beat themselves up over everything they haven’t done, haven’t said, or didn’t achieve. By looking backwards, people stay stuck in a negative spiral. They forget the past is past (even yesterday is the past!). No matter how much you’d like to turn the clock back – you can’t. Today is an excellent time to start creating a new you – one that is gentle with yourself!
MAKING CHANGES
If asked: “What would you like to change about yourself?” common replies are: lose weight, quit smoking, get fit, find a new job and save more money. These are all good intentions: they are all about caring for yourself which is key to any self development.
We frequently promise ourselves that we will do this. We will change! And then headlong we plunge into our new promised actions. Cigarettes are banned. Salads become our mainstay. Our local gym is a subscription better off. We seriously start to scan the the papers for job vacancies, and so on.
How long though will it be before you crack and you buy a pack of cigarettes, or bar of chocolate or throw away the scales? A few days? A few weeks? And when that happens, will you just give up? If yes, that’s such a shame, because actually you started on the path of change and along the path, not making it happen is part of the learning process that needs to be gone through to make a change permanent. Let me tell you about the stages of change.
STAGES OF CHANGE
To change a behaviour or action (to create a new habit), you will go through various stages of change – even if you aren’t aware of it! These are the 4 main stages.
Stage 1 – A desire or a realisation that something has to change. Examples might be: to loose weight, stop smoking, be nice to colleagues, learn to drive, be more attentive to partner, earn more money, and so on. No matter what you want to change, it starts with a desire to change, but this awareness stage can last for years. It’s not de facto that when you become aware of this desire, that you are ready to start taking action.
Stage 2 – Starting to take actions that are necessary for the change to begin happening. The most important thing to know is that during Stage 2, you will most likely slip back into your old ways. But this should not be seen as a failure! We are creatures of habit: changing to new ways does not come easily! When you revert back to an old habit, simply acknowledge this and pick-up the new action again. It is the understanding of this stage and being gentle with yourself that will get you through to the next stage. Stage 2 usually lasts for many weeks, sometimes months.
Stage 3 – Seeing results from your new actions. In this stage, your success helps motivate you. This stage might be reached when suddenly your clothes become noticeably loose and people start commenting on your weight loss, or you find you can run up the stairs without being out of breath. This is the stage you feel really good about your achievements, but because they aren’t yet woven into the fabric of your life, it is still easy to slip back to Stage 2. If you do, be gentle with yourself. You have come a long way already, simply have another bash at it.
Stage 4 – Becoming unconsciously competent. When you have reached this stage, your new actions have become firm habits. It’s like driving your car. You no longer consciously have to think about when to press the clutch or when to check your mirror. This is now your habit – it’s become part of who you are.
TIPS FOR BEING GENTLE
Being gentle with yourself allows you to see the good things that you have done. Being gentle with yourself starts a spiral of positivity. Sometimes it’s easier to see the flip side – so lets take dieting as an example. You hate the way you look, so you start a strict diet. Your body feels like you’ve cut your throat and you’re bad tempered and miserable. Inevitably you will soon give in and eat something nice (because not doing so is simply being mean to yourself).
But if you then berate yourself with things like: “I’m useless!”, “I’ll always be fat (sigh)”, “I have no will power” then you start a downward spiral of feeling bad about yourself. Your subconscious also takes on board powerful negative messages about your capabilities too. If instead you take a gentle approach, and praise yourself for each small step you take, a positive spiral begins. Lets take 3 common self improvement goals and see how to make them work.
• Losing weight
If you have more than a few pounds to loose, remember this extra weight did not materialise overnight. More than likely it accumulated over months or even years, so losing it will also take time. Starvation diets or diets that forbid you to eat your favourite foods DO NOT WORK and are bad for your morale and health. Just be sensible. Cut back on fatty, high sugar and processed foods, increase your complex carbohydrates (oats, rye, millet, bulgar and try quinoa it’s really good!) eat LOTS of vegetables and cook more fresh foods. If you love chocolate (or any other high fat/sugar food), don’t forbid yourself from having it. Once or twice a week have a small portion and really enjoy it. And if you have a really bad day don’t give up! It’s not what you eat in one day that matters, it’s what you eat over a period of time.
• Quit Smoking
Every smoker knows the health risks of smoking, but this alone is not enough to get people to quit. Strange as it may seem, people get a benefit from smoking. People often light up when they are stressed, frustrated, angry, lonely, or sad. Smoking offers a method of feeling better, so taking it away without replacing it with something healthier is going to be hard. Most surgeries offer ‘Quit-Smoking’ support groups. Patches and other medications can help wean you off nicotine. Going ‘cold turkey’ without support is really hard. If you suddenly find yourself with a cigarette in your hand again, please don’t beat yourself up about it. Just because one day it went pear-shaped, it doesn’t mean you don’t have the will power to do it. YOU DO! Start again. Every day you don’t smoke, means you’re a day closer to having clean lungs, a renewed sense of smell, clothes and hair that don’t smell of cigarettes, and more money in your pocket.
• Getting Fit
I spoke about looking after your body in the tip on Exercise, but let me just add this. If you haven’t exercised for sometime, be gentle with yourself. It will be shock to your system if you go from nothing to 3 hours of exercise a week in one fell swoop. You’re also more likely to injure yourself. Gently increase the amount of time and energy you spend exercising each week and, particularly if you were once fitter than you are now, don’t expect to regain your former level of fitness overnight. It takes time – just be patient and persistent and you will get back your fitness once more.
Start being gentle with yourself – the difference it makes, will surprise you!
-------------------
To receive more coaching tips and/or to receive them monthly by email, please see www.reddandelion.co.uk/tips.php
BEING GENTLE LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF - To learn more about this author, visit Jennie Bayliss's Website.
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I believe everyone reading this is capable of being more than they are now, do more than they do, and have more than they have. But too often people are enmeshed in the life they lead. They want to break free, but frequently they don’t.
There are many reasons why – but surprisingly a big stumbling block is not a lack of belief or difficulties to be overcome, but that they beat themselves up over everything they haven’t done, haven’t said, or didn’t achieve. By looking backwards, people stay stuck in a negative spiral. They forget the past is past (even yesterday is the past!). No matter how much you’d like to turn the clock back – you can’t. Today is an excellent time to start creating a new you – one that is gentle with yourself!
MAKING CHANGES
If asked: “What would you like to change about yourself?” common replies are: lose weight, quit smoking, get fit, find a new job and save more money. These are all good intentions: they are all about caring for yourself which is key to any self development.
We frequently promise ourselves that we will do this. We will change! And then headlong we plunge into our new promised actions. Cigarettes are banned. Salads become our mainstay. Our local gym is a subscription better off. We seriously start to scan the the papers for job vacancies, and so on.
How long though will it be before you crack and you buy a pack of cigarettes, or bar of chocolate or throw away the scales? A few days? A few weeks? And when that happens, will you just give up? If yes, that’s such a shame, because actually you started on the path of change and along the path, not making it happen is part of the learning process that needs to be gone through to make a change permanent. Let me tell you about the stages of change.
STAGES OF CHANGE
To change a behaviour or action (to create a new habit), you will go through various stages of change – even if you aren’t aware of it! These are the 4 main stages.
Stage 1 – A desire or a realisation that something has to change. Examples might be: to loose weight, stop smoking, be nice to colleagues, learn to drive, be more attentive to partner, earn more money, and so on. No matter what you want to change, it starts with a desire to change, but this awareness stage can last for years. It’s not de facto that when you become aware of this desire, that you are ready to start taking action.
Stage 2 – Starting to take actions that are necessary for the change to begin happening. The most important thing to know is that during Stage 2, you will most likely slip back into your old ways. But this should not be seen as a failure! We are creatures of habit: changing to new ways does not come easily! When you revert back to an old habit, simply acknowledge this and pick-up the new action again. It is the understanding of this stage and being gentle with yourself that will get you through to the next stage. Stage 2 usually lasts for many weeks, sometimes months.
Stage 3 – Seeing results from your new actions. In this stage, your success helps motivate you. This stage might be reached when suddenly your clothes become noticeably loose and people start commenting on your weight loss, or you find you can run up the stairs without being out of breath. This is the stage you feel really good about your achievements, but because they aren’t yet woven into the fabric of your life, it is still easy to slip back to Stage 2. If you do, be gentle with yourself. You have come a long way already, simply have another bash at it.
Stage 4 – Becoming unconsciously competent. When you have reached this stage, your new actions have become firm habits. It’s like driving your car. You no longer consciously have to think about when to press the clutch or when to check your mirror. This is now your habit – it’s become part of who you are.
TIPS FOR BEING GENTLE
Being gentle with yourself allows you to see the good things that you have done. Being gentle with yourself starts a spiral of positivity. Sometimes it’s easier to see the flip side – so lets take dieting as an example. You hate the way you look, so you start a strict diet. Your body feels like you’ve cut your throat and you’re bad tempered and miserable. Inevitably you will soon give in and eat something nice (because not doing so is simply being mean to yourself).
But if you then berate yourself with things like: “I’m useless!”, “I’ll always be fat (sigh)”, “I have no will power” then you start a downward spiral of feeling bad about yourself. Your subconscious also takes on board powerful negative messages about your capabilities too. If instead you take a gentle approach, and praise yourself for each small step you take, a positive spiral begins. Lets take 3 common self improvement goals and see how to make them work.
• Losing weight
If you have more than a few pounds to loose, remember this extra weight did not materialise overnight. More than likely it accumulated over months or even years, so losing it will also take time. Starvation diets or diets that forbid you to eat your favourite foods DO NOT WORK and are bad for your morale and health. Just be sensible. Cut back on fatty, high sugar and processed foods, increase your complex carbohydrates (oats, rye, millet, bulgar and try quinoa it’s really good!) eat LOTS of vegetables and cook more fresh foods. If you love chocolate (or any other high fat/sugar food), don’t forbid yourself from having it. Once or twice a week have a small portion and really enjoy it. And if you have a really bad day don’t give up! It’s not what you eat in one day that matters, it’s what you eat over a period of time.
• Quit Smoking
Every smoker knows the health risks of smoking, but this alone is not enough to get people to quit. Strange as it may seem, people get a benefit from smoking. People often light up when they are stressed, frustrated, angry, lonely, or sad. Smoking offers a method of feeling better, so taking it away without replacing it with something healthier is going to be hard. Most surgeries offer ‘Quit-Smoking’ support groups. Patches and other medications can help wean you off nicotine. Going ‘cold turkey’ without support is really hard. If you suddenly find yourself with a cigarette in your hand again, please don’t beat yourself up about it. Just because one day it went pear-shaped, it doesn’t mean you don’t have the will power to do it. YOU DO! Start again. Every day you don’t smoke, means you’re a day closer to having clean lungs, a renewed sense of smell, clothes and hair that don’t smell of cigarettes, and more money in your pocket.
• Getting Fit
I spoke about looking after your body in the tip on Exercise, but let me just add this. If you haven’t exercised for sometime, be gentle with yourself. It will be shock to your system if you go from nothing to 3 hours of exercise a week in one fell swoop. You’re also more likely to injure yourself. Gently increase the amount of time and energy you spend exercising each week and, particularly if you were once fitter than you are now, don’t expect to regain your former level of fitness overnight. It takes time – just be patient and persistent and you will get back your fitness once more.
Start being gentle with yourself – the difference it makes, will surprise you!
-------------------
To receive more coaching tips and/or to receive them monthly by email, please see www.reddandelion.co.uk/tips.php
BEING GENTLE LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF - To learn more about this author, visit Jennie Bayliss's Website.
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