BOUNDARIES – THE GRACEFUL ART OF SAYING 'NO'

WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?

Have you ever felt uncomfortable when someone did or said something to you? Or shocked, or angry, or felt like the wind was taken out of your sails? Or vulnerable? Does that someone do or say this often? Most of us can think of someone who gets to us in this way, and chances are they are breaching our boundaries.

So what are boundaries? They are lines in the sand we invisibly draw around ourselves for protection. They protect us physically, mentally and emotionally. But not being able to see them makes it tricky. When a boundary is breached, we experience a whole variety of emotions, but we often don’t understand why we are feeling like this. Also we don’t know how to put it right, so we don’t do anything, often putting up with that person’s behaviour for weeks, months or sometimes even years.

Our boundaries are words, actions and deeds of others which we find unacceptable in regard to us. In essence they are what we instinctively want to say “No!” to. Our boundaries define who we are, what we stand for, and how we view our place in the world. Some of our boundaries are inviolate, yet others are easily breached.

To help you see what this looks like, take a pen and draw a large dot in the middle of your sheet of paper. Now draw a circle around the dot. Now another circle around that until what you have drawn looks like a dart board. The dot in the centre of the circles, represents you. The first circle, the one closest to you, represents your innermost boundary. This is your strongest boundary and usually the one that remains intact. This boundary will include things like: no-one may hit me, abuse me or harm me.

The circles radiating out represent more of your boundaries with the ones furthest away from you, being of lesser importance to you in terms of protecting yourself. These are the ones which are more likely to be breached, yet when they are crossed they still trigger lots of emotions.

These boundaries are very personal to you: there isn’t a definitive list of what is and isn’t acceptable. What I think is really important to me, may be insignificant to you. Some common boundaries are: no-one may disrespect me; no-one may touch me without my permission; no-one may belittle me for my beliefs; no-one may make me the butt of their jokes, etc.

Try writing down your boundaries. Notice which ones get you hot under the collar. These are ones that probably need working on.

NO BOUNDARIES: NO POWER Let me use an extreme case to demonstrate how boundaries can be crushed to the point where a person has no boundaries, and with it no power over their life. We have all heard about wife (and sometimes husband) battering. No doubt you’ve also wondered why they didn’t simply walk away. There are many reasons why this happens, but in part it’s because they have no boundaries left. Let me tell you how this happens.

Early on in the relationship there is unlikely to be any battering (to make this story easier to tell, let me use a wife as the victim). But at some stage the husband will cross an outer boundary. Perhaps he cruelly pokes fun at her. The wife doesn’t like this, but doesn’t know what to say or do, so she does nothing. Later on he crosses another boundary by making her the butt of his joke in front of her friends. Over time the wife comes to accept this behaviour as normal. As time passes the husband has more and more power over how he can treat his wife because she has effect ively let him do this. Verbal abuse moves on to threatening her, to being rough with her then finally loosing control and beating the woman he supposedly loves.

At this point, the wife has no boundaries, no self-esteem nor self-confidence left. The effort to walk away is simply too much. Both parties need help. Sadly, even if this relationship breaks up, without help both parties will often end up in the same place again with different partners.

We would like to think that if we were in this situation, we of course would be stronger than that, but there is often much more going than this simple story shows. Intertwined with the abuse there is often love, tenderness, over-the-top gift giving and begging for forgiveness.

SHORING UP YOUR BOUNDARIES Thankfully most of us will never be in a situation where our boundaries are so violently crossed. Yet I’m willing to bet some of your lesser boundaries are regularly breached. How do you deal with this? The first step is to be aware of them. Notice next time you’re feeling strong emotions – is it down to something that someone said or did? What exactly triggered this reaction How did you react? Did you just let them do or say it without any reply? Or did you try to say something but it just went even more pear-shaped? Then believe me you are not alone. Please don’t beat yourself up, there are ways of dealing with it.

FIRST STEPS…

The first steps are to become aware and then to communicate in a firm but graceful way.

Next time you have an emotional response when someone says or does something to you, notice it. What did they say or do that caused you to react? Is this a familiar response? Do you always react in the same way to those words or actions? Do you react in the same way if it’s someone else? If not, why does this person causes you to react? Think it through or even write down what causes your reactions. Who makes you react and what the specific words and or actions trigger your reaction?

After a while you will be able to see what your triggers are. It will also become clear what your biggest boundary breach is. Now you’re ready to tackle it. Write this boundary down in terms of “No-one may…” My first big boundary breach that I tackled was: “No-one may constantly tell me they’re worried about me.” What is yours?

DEFENDING A BOUNDARY It can be daunting to defend a boundary that upsets you, as usually the one you notice the most will be a big one, and with someone with whom you find it to difficult to talk to. And, yet it is usually this very boundary that, once defended, will give you the biggest rewards. Be brave – I know everyone deep down has a courageous heart – even if it doesn’t show up very often! Are you thinking: “No! I can’t tell this person that!” Then let me ask you this. What will you loose by telling the person who has crossed your boundary what you are really feeling? What would it be like if that boundary was no longer breached? Would it be wonderful? Would you feel a whole lot better if you didn’t have to go through the whole scenario again and again? Are you ready to have a go and talk to the person concerned? Great!

Most people don’t realise a boundary has been breached until long after the event. Then they feel it’s too late. But it isn’t! Initially nearly all boundary defending is done retrospectively. Until you become more adept at defending your boundaries, the normal sequence of events is: words/actions cause you to react. Then you realise a boundary has been crossed. And then you have to pluck up courage to say something.

To defend a boundary retrospectively, start with: “Do remember last week when…”, or “Last night when…” Scared? I know for some standing up for themselves like this, is daunting. They think they are being selfish or petty – yet if it’s getting to you – it’s neither. Rather see it as starting to really look after yourself, and most of all asking for the respect and love you deserve from others. By telling the other person, it gives them a chance to grow themselves too, so be brave!

DOING IT GRACEFULLY When you are defending a boundary, it’s important to realise that when most people breach a boundary, they aren’t doing it maliciously. Usually it’s down to lack of thought or they didn’t realise how important this is to you. Remember the level of importance you put on your boundaries is unique. What really matters to you may be so far down someone else’s list, it hasn’t even registered on their radar. When talking to the other person about your boundary, make sure that you are coming from your perspective and not judging or blaming the other person. A great way to do this is to use “Truth Talking”. The key elements of this are:

• Begin your sentences with: “I…”

• Keep all of your sentences short.

• Keep it to the point – extra details just weaken what you are saying.

• Avoid starting with: “You…” or “Why don’t you…”

• Avoid justifying yourself with: “But”

Let me give you an example. Suppose a wife is frustrated with her husband over parenting their son, lets call him Jack. The wife thinks she is getting a rough deal and so her boundary would be: “My husband may not dump all of the parenting on me.” Without thought, she might easily express her frustration like this:

“You never have time for Jack. You don’t care that our son is practically being brought up in a single parent family! I have so much to do and today my mother really needed me because she is not feeling well. Why don’t you read to him sometimes? Or take him to play football?”

On hearing this, the husband will defend himself. He is going to tell her that his work takes so much of his time, that of course Jack isn’t in a single parent family – he is here isn’t he? And so on. Lets look at a similar conversation using Truth Talking:

“I am upset. I need you to help me with Jack. I know he would love it if you read to him, or played football with him. He needs you and I need your support on this”.

The reaction is now likely to be very different as the husband has nothing to defend, and because he hasn’t been judged, is also more likely to really hear what his wife is saying.

Knowing about your boundaries and defending them can make a huge difference to your life. Learning to use Truth Talking enables you to say “No” gracefully – giving you far more control over your life.

------------------1To receive more coaching tips and/or to receive them monthly by email, please see www.reddandelion.co.uk

BOUNDARIES – THE GRACEFUL ART OF SAYING 'NO' - To learn more about this author, visit Jennie Bayliss's Website.

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