Happiness is a Choice

"Happiness, like unhappiness, is a proactive choice."

-Stephen Covey We want it. We strive for it. We envy others who have it. We can see it just beyond the horizon …as soon as we get richer, thinner, married, divorced, younger, older, find a dream job, or quit a lousy one.

Yet, how many people do you know who “have everything” and still yearn for true happiness? The kind of happiness I'm talking about is that kind that comes from within and is not based on status, position, wealth, or possessions. It's a natural resource that is readily available to all.

Happiness is a choice.

It has previously been thought that the brain is unchanged by life experiences. Recent breakthroughs in psychology, neurology, and chemistry have revealed that happiness is attainable, and the brain can actually change as a result of conscious selection of thoughts.

Happiness is a Set Point Experts in the field have given happiness a nickname -- “subjective well-being.” One person's Hell may be Paradise for another. For example, bungee jumping would be sheer torture for me to endure. For a thrill-seeker friend of mine, this activity represents ultimate joy. Clearly our set points are based on different subjective criteria.

Each of us is born with a genetically coded happiness “set point” which is not based entirely on what happens to us. This explains why some people are naturally cheerful most of the time, while others walk around with a permanent scowl on their faces – determined in part by their genetic predisposition. However, according to University of Minnesota professor emeritus of psychology David Lykken, “Happiness is genetically influenced, although it is not genetically fixed. The brain's structure can be modified through practice. If you really want to be happier than your grandparents provided for in your genes, you have to learn the kinds of things you can do, day by day, to bounce your set point up and avoid the things that bounce it down.”

A study conducted with identical twins raised in different environments suggests that an individual's set point determines about 50% of their disposition to happiness. In other words, some people are happy, regardless of their less-than-ideal circumstances, while others are unhappy, even when they seem to “have it all.”

According to Ed Diener, a professor of psychology at the University of Illinois and coeditor of the Journal of Happiness Studies, a number of tools can be used to raise subjective well-being.

Here are some examples:

Getting enough sleep Getting enough exercise Nurturing close relationships (connection, physical touch)

Maintaining an optimistic outlook – choosing positive thoughts Keeping a gratitude journal Forgiving others and letting go Utilizing signature strengths (honesty, kindness, ingenuity, love of learning, etc.) in service of something larger than yourself Acting happy by changing your physiology -- Put on a happy smile!

Meditation*

*Meditation has become a huge way to change subjective well-being. Richard Davidson, professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin, found in his research that high levels of activity at the left frontal area of the cerebral cortex coincided with feelings of happiness, joy, and alertness. Activity on the right frontal area corresponded to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and worry. Since meditation generates more left-brain activity, studies have concluded that it offers a way to produce more positive emotion.

Even in the midst of hardship, one can experience simple pleasures by using some of the tools listed above.

Recipe for Happiness Here's a three-ingredient recipe for happiness:

- Choose your thoughts.

-Feed your soul.

-Connect with others.

-When combined together, these ingredients yield a delicious result with a lingering after-taste.

Choose Your Thoughts We cannot change the events in our lives, but we can change our response to those events, which will change the outcome for us. Using the example of a mathematic equation, remember that when you change a variable, it changes the quotient.

Remember this powerful equation: E (event) + R (response) = O (outcome)

Our R (response) is largely determined by our self-talk. We have two kinds of self-talk which I call The Gremlin and The Wise Self .

The Gremlin represents your critical inner voice or negative self-talk. The Gremlin loves status quo…”Don't rock the boat or do anything that might involve risk!” Gremlins are those inner voices which conspire to keep you from being happy. I frequently hear my clients say, "I have to…" or "I gotta…" or "I should…" And when I hear those phrases I often ask, "Do you have to or do you choose to?" There are very few things in life that we have to do. Yet some of us forfeit our choice to the point of seeing our options in life as limited. This generally leads to a feeling of hopelessness.

The Wise Self represents your inner voice that is informed by your values and priorities. When you focus on your values -- what is most important to you at the core -- you are more at choice and less at effect. You recognize that you have the freedom to choose based on your own values, versus being influenced by limiting beliefs, circumstances, or the opinions of others.

I provide a Gremlin (in a cage!) for each of my clients I coach. They're a great way to acknowledge that internal negative or critical chatter and consciously choose whether you listen to your Wise Self or your Gremlin.

I keep my caged gremlin on my desk (click here to see what it looks like) , which reminds me that it is there, but which also reminds me that I don't have to listen to its chatter unless I choose to let it out of its cage ... a great metaphor for choosing our thoughts!!

Feed Your Soul Take time for meditation. During this time, spend some time flooding yourself with feelings of gratitude. Think about everything and everyone in your life that you are grateful for. People who have everything but are not grateful feel unfulfilled, fearful, and stressed. People who seemingly have nothing can be happy because they are so grateful. When you are grateful, you are rich. When you are ungrateful, you are poor. Give yourself the gift of gratitude.

Take time for prayer and release your fears to God. Dozens of studies have shown that individuals who pray regularly stay healthier and live longer than those who rarely or never do. Some scientists speculate that prayer may foster a state of peace and calm that could lead to beneficial changes in the cardiovascular and immune systems.

Take time to do things that nourish and rejuvenate you, such as taking a relaxing bath, going for a walk, reading a book, listening to music that inspires you, or spending time doing a favorite hobby. Caring for yourself and having some fun will help you stay balanced and enable you to better deal with stressful times. Taking a few minutes for yourself won't solve the problems, but a break will give you a chance to feel calmer and find clarity as you refocus your thoughts.

Connect With Others Have you ever wondered why things always seem better after you talk to a good friend? Well, it turns out that friendship is as good for your health as it is for your spirit. Researchers have found that having good friends helps lower blood pressure, relieve anxiety, and may even help you live longer. Many experts list friendship as the key factor in getting through stressful times. Connecting with people provides social support and strengthens resilience. And don't overlook the power of man's best friend – a dog (or a cat).

Read The Power of Friendship for a more in-depth look at this part of your life.

You may not have control over what goes on around you, but you do have control over what goes on within you and how you choose to respond to events and people in your life. If you have not been tending to your physical, mental, spiritual and social needs , you can change that starting today. Take out your calendar and schedule time to nurture all four of these areas of your life, and get ready for the transformation that will take place.

Happiness is a Choice - To learn more about this author, visit Kathy Paauw's Website.

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