UNDERSTANDING RAGE BUSTING THE ANGERBUSTERS
UNDERSTANDING RAGE BUSTING THE ANGERBUSTERS
Repressing angry feelings, however, will only increase the level of rage in our country. We need to understand that all feelings are normal. Many contend that there are positive and negative emotions. Anger, jealousy, and hate are bad emotions, while love and happiness are good feelings. Such a dichotomy is not fruitful nor scientifically correct. Feelings are innate; children need no instruction on how to feel sad, hungry, or angry. From an early age, parents must teach their children how to constructively verbalize emotions while rewarding them for expressing themselves. Children need to learn the difference between verbalizing a feeling and acting out. For example, if a child feels angry with her father, mother, or teacher, she should have the right to express her anger through dialogue, but not to misbehave through hitting, biting, or slamming doors.
Hightower, the guru of the “Angerbuster’s Movement,” published his bible, Anger-Busting 101: New ABCs for Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them in 2002. His book has attracted attention from troubled couples seeking a useful tool to help keep their marriage together. In his book, Hightower rightfully contends that angry men are becoming an epidemic in our society, that their “rageaholic” behavior is the primary reason for the escalating rates of domestic homicide, abuse, and marital breakups.
However, Hightower’s ABCs for curing men of the anger illness are dangerous. He proposes that the “rageaholics” totally and completely abstain from expressing anger. He suggests that appropriate verbalization of anger with another person is not therapeutic at all, but merely a prelude to another outburst. Citing from Carol Tavris’ Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, Hightower claims that overcoming rage through thoughtful discussion is a myth; discussion more often increases rage than cures it.
As between parent and child, talking about feelings to the right person reduces the probability of acting out the anger. More importantly, the individual feels less stressed and frustrated when given the opportunity to express controversial emotions without fear of retaliation. The key to solving interpersonal conflict is through open, effective communication. Unfortunately, most people are afraid to express their true feelings to people in authority.
Newton Hightower contends that anger is an addiction that for “rageaholics” spirals out of control once it begins. He even suggests that total abstinence from expressing anger is healthier than open communication. Citing the work of Dr. Ichiro Kawacki of the Harvard School of Public Health, Hightower claims that men with the highest levels of anger were three times more likely to develop heart disease than those who experienced less rage. How long can Hightower’s abstaining approach control anger before it explodes, with very detrimental repercussions to the health and well-being of the “rageaholic” and his loved ones? Open communication is the way to blow off steam.
Hightower insists that “rageaholics” must learn to buckle in a conflict with his spouse rather than stir up an angry dialogue. By conceding to their spouses’ wishes at all times, “these critical, self-centered, controlling rageaholics” will convince their spouses that positive change is taking place. What an interesting therapeutic technique! Bowing down before one’s spouse will neither save a marriage, nor eradicate anger in the individual.
Finally, Hightower’s communication commandment differs dramatically from my “talking” model. Hightowers instructs “rageaholics” to control their anger by keeping their volume low, their tone kind, and by learning key phrases as, “You’re right!” and “I’m wrong!” “Rageaholics” are told to remember the acronym CBSSW when spouses ask, “Why did you do that again?”: I was Crazy, Bad, Stupid, Sick, and Wrong. Hightower’s prescription teaches insincerity and dishonesty. More importantly, expressing oneself falsely helps to diminish the already low self-esteem found in his “rageaholics.”
As a clinical psychologist, for many years I have seen the deleterious effects of rage and anger acted out in our society, but I also strongly oppose the abstinence technique of the “Angerbuster’s Movement.” Verbal expression of anger to the “right” person produces a positive frame of mind with a concomitant reduction of stress and frustration. The failure to cope with anger dramatically interferes with our ability to be fulfilled not only at home, but in the workplace. If an individual feels angry at a spouse, parent, co-worker or boss, he or she should have the right to share the feeling, but not through acting out inappropriately by raising voices, slamming doors, or hitting. In all phases of our life today, we do not have the privilege to talk about anger and, as a result, we learn to suppress our anger. This needs to change! When you don’t verbalize anger, you act it out!
Today, domestic and workplace rage is skyrocketing. According to the National Women Prevention Project, 34 percent of all female homicide victims over the age of fifteen are killed by husbands and boyfriends as a result of anger and rage. Concomitantly, the National Safe Workplace Institute released a study showing that anger and violence costs American business $4.2 billion each year. Contrary to Mr. Hightower, I believe that talking through anger between parties with appropriate counseling will be able to reduce domestic violence in America. Likewise, properly expressed anger in the workplace lessens employee turnover, increases productivity, and enhances profitability.
Whether it be at home or in the workplace, “rageaholics” should talk through their angry feelings to an accepting listener, be that his boss, spouse, therapist, or mentor. When you don’t talk through angry emotions, you act out through rage and passive aggressiveness. Anger, if properly handled, can create positive results. In the history of this country, anger has sparked courageous citizens to speak out against injustices, and has brought the oppressed together to work for the common good. Anger is a part of every human being’s makeup, and if expresses appropriately, is a useful emotion. It is time to bust the Angerbuster’s bubble!
UNDERSTANDING RAGE BUSTING THE ANGERBUSTERS - To learn more about this author, visit Wilfred Calmas's Website.
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Newton Hightower, LCSW and director of The Center for Anger Resolution, Inc., is spearheading the “Angerbuster’s Movement,” which is his attempt to eradicate anger from our society by suppressing natural emotions.
Repressing angry feelings, however, will only increase the level of rage in our country. We need to understand that all feelings are normal. Many contend that there are positive and negative emotions. Anger, jealousy, and hate are bad emotions, while love and happiness are good feelings. Such a dichotomy is not fruitful nor scientifically correct. Feelings are innate; children need no instruction on how to feel sad, hungry, or angry. From an early age, parents must teach their children how to constructively verbalize emotions while rewarding them for expressing themselves. Children need to learn the difference between verbalizing a feeling and acting out. For example, if a child feels angry with her father, mother, or teacher, she should have the right to express her anger through dialogue, but not to misbehave through hitting, biting, or slamming doors.
Hightower, the guru of the “Angerbuster’s Movement,” published his bible, Anger-Busting 101: New ABCs for Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them in 2002. His book has attracted attention from troubled couples seeking a useful tool to help keep their marriage together. In his book, Hightower rightfully contends that angry men are becoming an epidemic in our society, that their “rageaholic” behavior is the primary reason for the escalating rates of domestic homicide, abuse, and marital breakups.
However, Hightower’s ABCs for curing men of the anger illness are dangerous. He proposes that the “rageaholics” totally and completely abstain from expressing anger. He suggests that appropriate verbalization of anger with another person is not therapeutic at all, but merely a prelude to another outburst. Citing from Carol Tavris’ Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, Hightower claims that overcoming rage through thoughtful discussion is a myth; discussion more often increases rage than cures it.
As between parent and child, talking about feelings to the right person reduces the probability of acting out the anger. More importantly, the individual feels less stressed and frustrated when given the opportunity to express controversial emotions without fear of retaliation. The key to solving interpersonal conflict is through open, effective communication. Unfortunately, most people are afraid to express their true feelings to people in authority.
Newton Hightower contends that anger is an addiction that for “rageaholics” spirals out of control once it begins. He even suggests that total abstinence from expressing anger is healthier than open communication. Citing the work of Dr. Ichiro Kawacki of the Harvard School of Public Health, Hightower claims that men with the highest levels of anger were three times more likely to develop heart disease than those who experienced less rage. How long can Hightower’s abstaining approach control anger before it explodes, with very detrimental repercussions to the health and well-being of the “rageaholic” and his loved ones? Open communication is the way to blow off steam.
Hightower insists that “rageaholics” must learn to buckle in a conflict with his spouse rather than stir up an angry dialogue. By conceding to their spouses’ wishes at all times, “these critical, self-centered, controlling rageaholics” will convince their spouses that positive change is taking place. What an interesting therapeutic technique! Bowing down before one’s spouse will neither save a marriage, nor eradicate anger in the individual.
Finally, Hightower’s communication commandment differs dramatically from my “talking” model. Hightowers instructs “rageaholics” to control their anger by keeping their volume low, their tone kind, and by learning key phrases as, “You’re right!” and “I’m wrong!” “Rageaholics” are told to remember the acronym CBSSW when spouses ask, “Why did you do that again?”: I was Crazy, Bad, Stupid, Sick, and Wrong. Hightower’s prescription teaches insincerity and dishonesty. More importantly, expressing oneself falsely helps to diminish the already low self-esteem found in his “rageaholics.”
As a clinical psychologist, for many years I have seen the deleterious effects of rage and anger acted out in our society, but I also strongly oppose the abstinence technique of the “Angerbuster’s Movement.” Verbal expression of anger to the “right” person produces a positive frame of mind with a concomitant reduction of stress and frustration. The failure to cope with anger dramatically interferes with our ability to be fulfilled not only at home, but in the workplace. If an individual feels angry at a spouse, parent, co-worker or boss, he or she should have the right to share the feeling, but not through acting out inappropriately by raising voices, slamming doors, or hitting. In all phases of our life today, we do not have the privilege to talk about anger and, as a result, we learn to suppress our anger. This needs to change! When you don’t verbalize anger, you act it out!
Today, domestic and workplace rage is skyrocketing. According to the National Women Prevention Project, 34 percent of all female homicide victims over the age of fifteen are killed by husbands and boyfriends as a result of anger and rage. Concomitantly, the National Safe Workplace Institute released a study showing that anger and violence costs American business $4.2 billion each year. Contrary to Mr. Hightower, I believe that talking through anger between parties with appropriate counseling will be able to reduce domestic violence in America. Likewise, properly expressed anger in the workplace lessens employee turnover, increases productivity, and enhances profitability.
Whether it be at home or in the workplace, “rageaholics” should talk through their angry feelings to an accepting listener, be that his boss, spouse, therapist, or mentor. When you don’t talk through angry emotions, you act out through rage and passive aggressiveness. Anger, if properly handled, can create positive results. In the history of this country, anger has sparked courageous citizens to speak out against injustices, and has brought the oppressed together to work for the common good. Anger is a part of every human being’s makeup, and if expresses appropriately, is a useful emotion. It is time to bust the Angerbuster’s bubble!
UNDERSTANDING RAGE BUSTING THE ANGERBUSTERS - To learn more about this author, visit Wilfred Calmas's Website.
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Dave KurlanDave Kurlan is the founder and CEO of Objective Management Group, Inc., the industry leader in sales assessments and sales force evaluations, and the CEO of David Kurlan & Associates, Inc., a consulting firm specializing in sales force development. Dave has been a top rated speaker at Inc. Magazine's Conference on Growing the Company, the Sales & Marketing Management Conference and the Gazelles Sales & Marketing Summit. He has been featured on radio and TV, including World Business Review with General Norman Schwarzkopf, in Inc. Magazine, Selling Power Magazine, Sales & Marketing Management Magazine and Incentive Magazine. He is the author of Mindless Selling and Baseline Selling – How to Become a Sales Superstar by Using What You Already Know about the Game of Baseball. He created and wrote STAR, a proprietary recruiting process for hiring great salespeople, and he writes Understanding the Sales Force, a popular business Blog and is a contributing author to The Death of 20th Century Selling and 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life, Volume 2. - Visit Dave Kurlan's Website |
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Stephanie RobeyStephanie Robey is President and CoFounder of Pivot Positive, LLC - an Internet marketing business focused on helping people start work at home ventures. Previously, she was employed at The Search Agency with over 20 years experience in graphic design and 10 years experience in online marketing. She was responsible for launching the Conversion Path Optimization (CPO) unit where she and her team have conducted hundreds of optimization tests for online companies across multiple verticals. She is a successful entrepreneur having started and sold 2 companies and remains on the board of directors of the third, PhotoSpin.com Stephanie began her career in the direct marketing realm creating and producing direct mail for many of the major cable television companies and directly attributes her understanding of Internet marketing to those early offline experiences. Stephanie is a graduate of San Diego State University with a BFA in Graphic Arts and also holds an Executive MBA from the Graziadio School of Business and Management at Pepperdine University. Read Steph's Blog Meet Steph and Dave Sign up for our Free 7-Day BootCamp: Self Employed & Rich - Visit Stephanie Robey's Website |
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