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A Little Thing Called Trust

Guest post by: Terri Levine

Article Overview: We take matters of trust for granted, so when someone betrays our trust it shocks us. Once we've lost faith is it possible to rebuilt trust?

A Little Thing Called Trust

In an ideal world, all children would be taught about matters of trust so that as adults, the simple art of trusting would not be the problem that it becomes. To establish trust in any relationship requires honesty - trust is the first thing to go when lying and cheating become apparent. This is true whether dealing with a lying child, a deceitful partner or a dishonest co-worker.

But we all know what trust is and how easily it can be lost. The problem is how to re-establish trust once it has been broken.

How easy it would be if everyone was open and honest with each other at all times, and if everyone was reliable and dependable and "trustworthy". But imperfection is part and parcel of being human. We learn from our mistakes, but think how terrible it would be if we were never given second chances and never trusted again simply because we erred once in our life.

Are you familiar with the old adage "honesty is the best policy"? Discovering that somebody has made a terrible mistake is one pill to swallow, but it becomes a bitter pill to discover they have not only made a mistake but lied to you about it or tried to cover it up. Because then it becomes much more than one person making a mistake... it's one person who has made a mistake and added betrayal, dishonesty, and disrespect to the situation. Who do you think is easier to forgive? A person who has made a mistake and come to you and openly admitted it and apologized, or a person who has made a mistake and not told you about it so that you find out later and when questioned they lied to you?

If you have trouble trusting others, or somebody is having difficulty trusting you, the first step you need to take is be open and honest with them. Admit you were wrong and apologize. If you are the one trying to do the trusting, let the other person know how you feel. Having trust requires having confidence in others and yourself. One cannot exist without the other. A dose of faith is often a useful ingredient too. After all, you have no "proof" you can trust a new friend, and all you can do is have faith that they won't let you down and have confidence in them to not do so. Trust is established when you are satisfied that they are worthy of your confidence and faith. This is not to say this person will not commit mistakes, however, because to err is human, after all!

When trust is at stake, remember that significant others are not deliberately setting out to hurt you. Cover-ups are a result of fear. Ask yourself why is somebody afraid to be honest with you? How do you normally react? Like a screaming banshee? Sulky and manipulative? Abusive? Do you never let them forget it? Do you overreact? Sure, some mistakes are hurtful, for example, when a partner has been unfaithful. Rebuilding trust takes time and commitment. It requires mutual respect and caring for each other. If you can honestly forgive your partner for an indiscretion, then rebuilding trust will be so much easier.

You may feel vulnerable, placing your trust in others, and perhaps sometimes, your trust will be misplaced, but when those around you treat you fairly and honestly and are open with you, it seems unlikely that they would betray your trust in them. This is not to say that it doesn't happen, and being careful doesn't necessarily mean you are not being trusting. You don't need to divulge your deep, dark secrets to somebody just because they are honest with you. Some honest and fair people are blabber-mouths! You need to use your own judgment and TRUST your own intuition.

Realize that some people cannot trust easily. Don't take it personally - unless, of course, you have given them good reason not to trust you easily! People who have either grown up in a divorced or other type of dysfunctional family, or experienced put-downs or emotional hurts or been lied to or cheated to in the past, will carry this lack of trust into future relationships as a protective mechanism. When somebody has been hurt by another person, it can take a long while for the wounds to heal. If someone is so unfortunate to experience this more than once, you can imagine how much longer it might take before they can trust anybody else again.

If you are such a person, that is, someone who has been so badly hurt that you believe you can never trust anyone again, there are some things you can do to heal the wounds and begin to trust again.

• Remember what goes around, comes around. Some people call this 'karma'. Some people call it the laws of cause and effect. Whatever you want to call it, know that it is real. If somebody has hurt you, know that they will "get theirs". Also know that if you hurt another, maybe someone who loves you very much and you cannot trust them, you will also get yours. There is no need to withhold your trust from every person on the planet just because one or even a handful have let you down in the past. Not everyone is rotten!
• Adopt a "let go, and let God" or similar type of saying guide you. Accept that a spiritual power who is much wiser than you, may just have some divine plan for your life. Maybe, you had to experience some hurtful things in order to grow. So don't allow yourself to be stuck in the experience. Learn and move on.
• Where possible, communicate with those who have hurt you and try to understand what happened. This is not always easy or possible, in which case, try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what could have made them behave the way they did. Nobody is perfect; not even you. If you wouldn't deliberately and knowingly hurt another, perhaps they wouldn't either and were not "themselves" when they hurt you. Maybe, they need more help than you do! In any case, you owe it to yourself to let go of whatever holds you back from trusting others again. There are many wonderful people in the world, and like you, they do not deserve to be treated with anything other than respect and dignity and offered trust.
• Respect and trust yourself. If you are not a "trustworthy" person, the first step is to recognize and acknowledge that part of yourself before you can do anything constructive about it. It may take many years, but every journey begins with one step, and your first step is recognizing this about yourself. Only then can you take steps to overcome whatever it is that makes you an untrustworthy person. When you start to gossip, remember, and stop yourself. Change the subject, and if prompted, laugh it off and say you forgot what you were saying! Whatever your weakness, you CAN overcome it - but you must acknowledge it first.
• If you find yourself feeling sick with distrust about a new partner or friend, you do the same. You stop, recognize and acknowledge this. Then you rationally ask yourself whether you have a valid reason for the current mistrust or whether it is your old programming. If you can't find a real reason to validate your mistrust, then just let it go... It's okay, and it gets easier the more you do it.
• Take your meaningful relationships a step further by opening up and practicing the art of trust. It's a risk, but for a true relationship, it's well worth it. Use your head. Don't just open up to any person just for the sake of testing the waters... you will know, instinctively, whether somebody is trustworthy or not. Give people the benefit of the doubt... maybe they are trustworthy, and think how much damage you do to your potential happiness by not trusting them!
• Remember, we are all vulnerable. Find your inner strength and know that should somebody disappoint you again, you are strong enough to overcome it and move on. This is something every person does, every day. In a group of ten new friends, perhaps only five are truly trustworthy, but you won't know unless you open yourself up to them, and rather than think of the five who disappointed you, concentrate on the five who honored you and in whom you can openly trust.
• Let go of fear - yes, this is easier said than done. It takes practice. Start with the small things and build your way up and don't forget to congratulate yourself along the way. Many people fear rejection, ridicule, failure, and even success, and many people jeopardize their personal relationships because they don't want to be hurt again. Your tough exterior may seem to protect you, but in reality, it can't and doesn't. What it does do is damage any chance you have of closeness and happiness with some significant other.
• Don't be hard on yourself. I repeat, nobody is perfect. We aren't expected to be. Accept yourself and accept others for who they are - warts and all. Some of us are trying very hard to change and we need your faith and belief in us that we can do it. This is not to say that you should let people walk all over you, abusing your trust and faith in them. Don't be anybody's doormat. Use your common sense. You CAN tell the difference between a true 'cad' and somebody who sincerely errs and is trying to mend their ways.

Ask yourself, if you are not feeling trust in a relationship, why are you feeling this way? Has the other person deserved your mistrust or are you acting on instinct, a protective mechanism... something you've bought into the future from your past?

What is behind your sense of mistrust? What reasons do you have? Can you validate them or are they "fears"?

What's the worst that can happen if you put your trust in this other person? If the worst came to pass, would it kill you? Could it make you stronger and wiser next time? It is always a personal choice to be defeated or to get up and move on...

Try writing a pretend letter to the person you mistrust. Include all your feelings and emotions. Tell them why you don't trust them. Tell them what you would like to be able to do to overcome this. Get it all off your chest, using whatever language you feel necessary to do so. The letter can be as long as you want or need it to be. You can repeat yourself if you want. When you have run out of things to write, read the letter you have just written - if you remember anything else you'd like to say, write it down... then... rip it up and throw it in the bin. You will find this is an excellent form of release... a healing... it really works.

Don't make people prove themselves before you will trust them. By all means, use your instinct and your common sense, but don't paint all people with the same brush. Just as all people are not thieves or adulterers, not all people are untrustworthy. It's a big beautiful world, full of many beautiful, kind and sincere people, just like you... alas, you'll never be friends with them if you can't let your guard down long enough to establish a trusting and honest relationship.

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Article Tags: betrayal, faith, relationships, trust



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