Tweet

Stand Up For Yourself

Guest post by: Terri Levine

Article Overview: Simple techniques for handling the office bully.

Stand Up For Yourself

Are you a victim? Do you:

- whine?

- think people don't realize how hard things are in your life?

- feel sorry for yourself?

- make mountains out of molehills?

- don't take responsibility for yourself/your life?

- have plenty of reasons and people to blame for why things arenot right for you?

Well, of course, not all victims do these things, and some victim's complaints are justified... but only to the extent that they allow themselves to become victims in the first place.

Wherever you got the idea from that you're helpless, we'd like you to forget it, right now. Rule #1 for all victims is "I am not helpless". Rule #2 is you do not need other people's recognition or approval. Instead, you need to give it to yourself. You need to practice daily, positive affirmations to drum it in to your subconscious that you are successful, talented, good enough, etc. When YOU believe this, it will no longer matter what anyone else believes. You will become what you believe.

Many victims' problems are exacerbated by an inability to be assertive and stand up for themselves. They are uncomfortable with stating their needs and are mortified by the thought of confrontation or expressing opposition to anything. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive - the two are entirely different things.

For some, being assertive is something they've not been taught or perhaps they were encouraged as children to behave passively in order to avoid confrontations in the playground. So now, as adults lacking this skill, how do we assert ourselves?

First, we remember to keep a cool head. Being assertive, as previously stated, has nothing to do with being aggressive. In a calm manner, you stand up for yourself by expressing the facts of a situation as you believe them to be, then you simply state how this situation makes you feel and how it affects you, and finally, you say what it is you require to happen - and if there are any benefits to the other person in meeting your requirements, mention them too.

If you remember these 3 steps, you will be able to practice your assertiveness in any situation:

1. you state the facts

2. you state your feelings

3. you state your requirements

Here's an example: Mary Moaner was the victim of an office bully, a senior who delighted in ridiculing Mary in front of the rest of the department. He loved to watch Mary blush and squirm. He was a nasty fellow! (Boo! Hisss!) Mary put up with this for months until she decided to go to assertiveness training classes. Then one day, when the bully commenced his regular performance in front of the entire department, instead of trembling, Mary said in a firm, calm voice: "When you speak to me like this, in front of the entire department, it turns into a sideshow performance. Everyone stops work and listens. I feel embarrassed by this and I lose the respect of my co-workers. I would like you to stop saying these kinds of things to me in public or in private, and if you do have something to say to me, choose the appropriate place and time. This way the entire office won't be disrupted, I will be happier, and so might you because it may give us an opportunity to get along together better."

Without resorting to aggressive tones or words, without losing her cool, without raising her voice, without putting him down, and without losing the respect of the department, Mary stated the facts, explained how the situation made her feel, and stated her requirements to fix it. The bully stood, mouth wide, like a stunned goldfish. His favorite victim had finally stood up for herself, in front of his audience, and he didn't know what to do. This time, he was the one feeling foolish. (Because everyone agreed with her and he never bothered her again.)

If you have a need to assert yourself, why not practice some scenarios in your head so that if/when the need arises, you will be better equipped to put it into practice. Think how you can deliver your message clearly and calmly. What language can you use that is specific but not insulting or aggressive? Also, think about what you will say if/when the person you are finally confronting is quick with comebacks and smart retorts. How will you respond?

You can maintain eye contact and repeat what you have said. If the other person delights in turning it into yet another joke, something else to tease you about and publicly humiliate you with, how will you react? Don't rise to the bait. Stay calm, cool, and collected. You may try saying something like, "Perhaps we can discuss this at a more appropriate time and place", and then simply walk away. Do not play the 'victim' to their aggressor.

Then when they are back at their desk or in their office, you can approach them again and reiterate what you said earlier. Perhaps without the audience, the bully may react differently. You may be able to sort it out. If even this fails, keep in mind that you do have recourse in reporting it to your manager, and at the very least, you will be able to say you have taken appropriate steps to address the problem yourself, to no avail.

There are many situations in which victims can practice their assertiveness. Think of all the ways in your life where you traditionally play the victim, or find yourself unable to be assertive. It could be the simple act of saying no, or confronting a bully or manipulator, or any number of situations that make you feel awkward.

Some situations are made worse when the aggressor/bully/manipulator plays their "game" in a covert manner, making it harder for you to actually state any evidence of their behavior toward you. Remembering the 3 steps, you can approach them and just come right out and ask them. You have nothing to lose, and if you are right, you are letting them know that YOU know and will not accept it.

There are many different tactics aggressors and bullies use when confronted with their behavior. Some will refuse to acknowledge you or your statements, or they will deny any wrong-doing/intentions, or even try to rationalize their behavior. Some will try to make light of it, accusing you of being "too sensitive". Some may even stoop so low as to threaten you using subtle or implied threats. Others will rely on your sense of decency and lay guilt trips on you, twisting things around so that you become full of self-doubt, and you begin to wonder if it is you, and not them!

If you have a low self-esteem you are more at risk of becoming a victim, but regardless of your level of self confidence, know that you do not have to tolerate the unacceptable behavior and tactics used by bullies. You can stand up for yourself in ways that are non-aggressive and non-abusive, by staying calm and polite as you say what you have to say.

Related Articles
  Where You Stand Is Important
  Do you invite thinking or evict thinking?
  If Life Gives You Lemons, Pay for Them When You Can
  Are you standing out or blending in?
  Strategies For Utilizing Social Media Outlets
  Fall Seven Times, Stand up Eight
  7 tips for better speaking
  Are You Ready to Work for Yourself?
  So Be You
  Personal Branding to Help You Standout From The Crowd and Boom Your Business
  Franchising Continues To be a Safe Way to Go in Troubled Economy
  How to make your blog stand out in a tough niche
  Business Communication With PowerPoint Slides
  Entrepreneurs and the “Oh! No!” Trap
  Mines a BMW thats me
  How to Be Different in a Homogeneous Business World
  Personal Branding: Make Your Business Card Stand Out
  When Entrepreneurs are Outstanding
  I Need You For a Mission!
  Franchising Continues to Work Better Than a Stand-Alone Business

Article Tags: bully, bullying in the workplace, self development, self esteem, stand up to bullies



Related Forum Posts
Fundraising for school activities such as sports, clubs - About a month ago, there was a two week time span when I entered my local Walmart, and saw a bunch of kids (with an adult supervisor) stationed outside each door asking for donations for their track team, or their swim team. (Never saw one for a debating or science club, but they may have been out there.) They weren't selling anything - no cookies, no candybars - just asking for donations. And I felt sorry for 'em because most people were just walking on by, so I contributed a dollar each time. But it got me to thinking.... was this really good training for the younger generation? Stand outside stores 'guilting' people into contributing to their wants, but without giving anything in return (ie those cookies or candybars.) And usually every weekend I drive by people standing by the side of the road holding up signs advertising car washes, again presumably sponsored by an organization in order to earn money. And I remember reading somewhere that these types of events rarely do make money. (Especially when any signs pointing people to them are usually so small and illegible that drivers can't even read them and drive on by in frustration...) What activities can kids do to earn money for their school, that isn't equivalent to begging? Moving lawns, dog walking... what? Should they form an entrepreneurial group and do something that way?


Share this article with your friends. Fund someone's dream.

Leave a comment below or share on the left and you'll help support entrepreneurs in Africa through our partnership with Kiva. Over $50,000 raised and counting - Please keep sharing! Learn more.

Newsletter

Get advice & tips from famous business
owners, new articles by entrepreneur
experts, my latest website updates, &
special sneak peaks at what's to come!

Name:
Email:

Popular Articles

Local Marketing: 3 Simple Low-Cost Strategies

Pay Per Click Advertising

Small Business Internet Marketing

Suggestions

Email us your ideas on how to make our
website more valuable! Thank you Sharon
from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for
your suggestions to make the newsletter
look like the website and profile younger
entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez.