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What To Do When Bullies Win

Guest post by: Terri Levine

Article Overview: Many excellent articles on bullying exist, and what stands this one apart is that sometimes the bullies win... and what does the victim do next?

What To Do When Bullies Win

In an ideal world the good would always win and bullies would not only not exist but if they did, they'd never win. It's a fact of life that some crimes go unsolved, and some bullies go unpunished. The good guy doesn't always win as much as we'd like him to. So what happens to the victim who has to endure the knowledge that the bully has ruined their life (or so it seems at the time) and the bully is getting away with it? Our society teaches us that wrongdoing will be punished and we expect that. We also still associate bullying with schoolyards and not adult work places. Do you know what happens to schoolyard bullies who either go undetected and get away with it, or are dealt with so lightly and not treated so they still get away with it? They grow up into workplace bullies.

Victims of bullying are too scared to speak up for fear of repercussions and making matters worse. Especially if the bully is somebody considered important or from a background that such a concept would be unbelievable. In the workplace, victims don't speak up because they feel embarrassed that they are being bullied at their age and that it bothers them. They don't want to look foolish or childish and they don't want to be laughed at or suffer retribution. They don't want to be seen as the weak one, unable to handle "the pressure". Bullies rely on these reactions and it's why they seek out weaker targets - office juniors, timid personalities, new employees or members of minority groups.

Bullying in the workplace can take many different forms such as physical abuse, verbal abuse and taunts, psychological abuse and social abuse. It can happen to men and women and it can come from just one person or even a group of people in the same close-knitted department. It is not unheard of for a departmental manager to "gang up" with his workers against a new employee that they don't want in their department. This can be for a variety of reasons. Maybe the manager feels threatened by the new employee's ability and experience and fears for his job, or maybe somebody in their close-knitted group had plans for the vacancy to be filled by one of their own close friends or even a member of their own family.

The games they can then play can include outright verbal abuse and speaking in a derogatory manner, playing mind games or ganging up on the new person, intimidation, making fun, or sabotaging the new employee's success by either withholding important information that they need to complete their work, giving them work that is clearly beneath them, or tasks that they can't possibly accomplish by the required deadline on their own. One way or another they want to make you look bad.

Physical bullying is not unheard of either and can be anything from elbowing you as you walk past so you drop files, tripping you, pushing roughly past you, sexual harassment or threatening to hurt you.

Bullies who don't have a hidden agenda such as wanting the vacancy free again for one of their own friends, often bully others because there is something wrong with them - not the victim.

They have one thing in common with school bullies and that is their lack of self-esteem, and they may also be victims of bullying or abuse themselves in the past. Not all bullies, however, are victims of abuse themselves; some are just weak individuals who feel stronger only when they can stand over others. Others bully because they are jealous or afraid that their victim is smarter than they are and will be promoted before them and they will do whatever they need to ensure that doesn't happen. Many bullies come from dysfunctional families and they were never taught the social and coping skills that the rest of us were taught. Still, ignorance is not an excuse when you are an adult and you do know right from wrong.

If you are the victim of an office bully, realize the bully is not as tough as they want you to believe they are and you can nip it in the bud if you stand up to them and tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate their "games" and there will be consequences if they continue. Make it clear you are not the pushover they thought you were and that you are not intimidated by them. Always remain professional and calm and do not exchange insults or threats or raise your voice.

If you don't feel strong enough to stand up to them, check with your supervisor or HR department for the company's bullying policy and find out how the company would prefer you handle it. Private and government operated workplace organizations can also help you with information as can your industry union and some of these organizations will take action on your behalf.

You must keep a diary of all bullying incidents. Record everything - the identity of the bully, the date of the bullying, the incident, and all other details, including anything you did to try and stop it. Your HR Department or any organization or authority brought into resolve the problem will need this information.

Keep your work standards up - the bully may be relying on you to let them drop so they can complain about you behind your back. Bullies think nothing of using deceitful and underhand tactics to make you look bad, while at the same time, trying to make themselves look like the good guy. Don't be surprised if you get called into an interview with the boss to discuss the situation and find he has already been fed "fiction" and has the wrong idea because the bully got to him before you did.

Keep up healthy relationships with others in your workplace (provided they aren't in it with the bully, of course), because the bully will try to isolate you and turn others against you. The more others know about you and your work practices and ethics, the less damage the bully can do against you. If you are new, this may be difficult to achieve but worth trying.

Try not to involve other workers in your department. Of course, you'd like more people on your side but you may also be playing into the bully's hands. Maybe he or she has not said anything to the other workers in your department so the moment you say something negative, you are the one who will look bad. Then if the Manager asks them for details of the bullying at a later date, they are going to say you were the one talking about the bully and not vice versa. Do you see how this will not help you? In any event, most people are probably aware of the situation and in sympathy may try to support you, or they may stay out of it because they don't want to attract the bully's attention to themselves.

In an ideal world the bully will be taken aside by higher management and counseled. They might be transferred to another department or you might be offered a transfer. In severe cases, they may lose their job, and unfair as it is, you may also be the one losing their job if the problem can't be solved. Or as often happens, you will simply resign. This will create even more problems for you. Use your exit interview wisely. You don't need to apologize for being the victim of a bully.

By this stage your own self esteem and self confidence will be low, especially as you now need to explain why you left your last job and decide how much to divulge (knowing they can ring your ex employer and check and you don't know what version they will receive). Of course, you don't have to mention that employment on your resume and that way you don't have to answer awkward questions. You can say you went on extended vacation backpacking around Europe, or staying with relatives, or that you tried some work-from-home activity. It shouldn't affect future employment prospects, but the fact you were bullied and left a job because of it can be viewed differently by some employers as a negative rather than a positive.

At the end of the day you must stand tall and know that you were not the one who did anything wrong, and have faith that what goes around comes around. Start afresh, wiser and stronger. Learn from your experience and you will never be a bully's favorite plaything again.

Related Articles
  Don't be bullied!
  Bullying
  Workplace Bullying: 7 Ways to Ward Off the Bully
  Leadership Stereotypes: Playing the Victim
  How to handle workplace bullying.
  Managing Conflict
  Bullying - From The Playground To The Workplace
  Abuse in the Workplace
  Bullies At Work
  Battling the Bully - Standing Up for Yourself with Confidence and Assertiveness
  Bullies At Work: Exceeding Corporate Limits
  The Need for a Skill
  How to Deal With a Bully
  Bullying and Boundaries
  We’re Both On the Same Side
  My Way or The Highway!
  Toxic Leadership and Change Management - How to Spot it, Deal With it and Avoid it
  Cyberbullying---a Growing Problem
  Words of Wisdom for Leaders and Wanna Bes
  Broken Promises & Bagging the Competition

Article Tags: bullies, bully, bullying, bullying in the workplace



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