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How not to avoid tough conversations

Guest post by: Jonathan Payne

Article Overview: Eight steps to help you tackle those tough workplace conversations.

How not to avoid tough conversations

Some people are simply averse to having tough conversations. Tough conversations are those that require us saying to people things that might not want to hear – such as holding them to account for actions, asking questions about performance and engaging in disciplinary processes.

For some it is easier than others. Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung identified two types of ways in which people prefer to make decisions. The one preference he called a “thinking” preference. People with this preference are able to make decisions based purely on the facts without placing too much weight on the human impact of their decisions. The other preference he called “feeling”. People with a feeling preference are concerned about the impact of their decisions on people and are often willing to overlook the facts if they are hard to face.

Obviously people with a feeling preference find it more difficult to have tough conversations than those with a thinking preference. It is sometimes said that if you have a manager with a feeling preference and you are called in for a tough conversation, when you leave you are not sure if you have been fired or promoted. They just have a rough time delivering tough information.

While people with a thinking preference may come across as thoughtless and can unintentionally hurt people with their bluntness, people with a feeling preference need to be aware of who their preference can get in the way of them exercising a key area of leadership.

If you know yourself to prefer a feeling way of coming to decisions, then you will know that you naturally procrastinate when it comes to having those tough conversations. At the same time, however, you will realize that you have a responsibility to have them.

If having tough conversations is something you avoid, try this:

1. Acknowledge that you are procrastinating and that there is no real reason for you not to have the conversation.
2. Remind yourself that as a leader it is your responsibility.
3. Remind yourself that thinking preference people do easily and therefore it can be done.
4. Take time to prepare yourself with all your facts and what you are going to say – don’t go into the meeting unprepared. Rehearse the conversation with another colleague or coach if need be.
5. During the conversation keep reminding yourself of the facts of the case and why you are having this conversation.
6. Slow your pace while you are talking, consciously breath deeply, stay relaxed and focused on the subject, not the person.
7. If you feel tired during or after the conversation, acknowledge that this is because you are working against your natural preference, that it does take energy and that this feeling will pass as you recover energy.
8. Try to avoid replaying the conversation in your mind afterward as this can lead into a downward spiral of misplaced guilty feelings.

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Article Tags: Carl Jung, feeling preference, thinking preference, tough conversations



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