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That person has a difficult personality

Guest post by: Howard Miller

Article Overview: Does it irritate you when one of your employees, peers, or boss is very difficult?

That person has a difficult personality

They just have that personality which gets under your skin. They seem to always be negative and never smile. Or they seem to always be optimistic and not realistic. Or some other irritating attribute.

Getting irritated by someone's personality is an opportunity to change the relationship! What you need to do is look at it differently.

When I teach skills to managers I don't allow them to use the word personality. I have the use the word behavior. If they slip and use personality I have them change it to behavior (well, by the second day, they're making the change themselves!)

Why this focus? What's the difference between using the word behavior vs. personality?

Because unless we are a psychiatrist who can prescribe mind altering drugs or we are one of those characters with supernatural powers on the now defunct television show Heroes, we don't have the power to change someone's personality. It is a trap and pitfall to focus on changing their personality or even be bothered by it. It increases one's stress level and doesn't lead to anything productive.

What we can change is our behavior. Not their behavior. But our behavior.

For example, if we feel we're always talking to someone and they never seem to do what we want, maybe we should stop talking! They might prefer email.

Or if we deal with someone who seems always in a rush and is quite frankly, intimidating, maybe we should behave a little like them. When we go up to them be brief and to the point, and offer solutions with your conversation.

When we focus on how someone behaves instead of how others are acting:

• We put responsibility on ourselves
• We can take action to change the situation
• We can change our behavior to match or complement theirs

Changing our behavior does not guarantee that someone won't still be difficult. But not changing our behavior pretty much ensures things will stay the same.

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Article Tags: absenteeism, acronyms, always, asking questions, behavior, behavior assessment, Change management, coaching, colloquialisms, communications, conflict, conflict resolution, dealing with difficult people, dealing with difficult situations, difficult personalities, DiSC, do as I say not as I do, effective questions, facebook, facts, fair, fairness, focus, gen x, gen y, generational differences, glass half empty, glass half full, how to deal with difficult people, humor, leadership, listening, management, management skills, management skills for new managers, miscommunication, motivation, never, new managers, objective vs subjective, opportunities, optimism, personality, powerful questions, questions, shift, sometimes, time management



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