Self Management is Critical for Handling Problems
Self Management is Critical for Handling Problems
Your young child is playing upstairs. You decide to go and check on her and discover that she’s been drawing on the wall. “Look at my beautiful picture!” this small face smiles up to you. You, of course, are enraged and think before responding, “Haven’t I taught her not to draw on the wall? Doesn’t she know better?”
There are probably thousands of examples of these moments, moments when you think “What would make someone do that?” It is at this very moment when we reach a fork in the road and quite often, we get stuck. The stuck point is the assumption that the person knows better. This is the expectation. You have an expectation for how an employee should behave, how your children should behave, how things should function, even how you should be and what you should do. These expectations sound like “shoulds”.
Unmet Expectations Are a Great Source of Stress
Expectations in and of themselves are not bad. We need to have some direction, some vision, and some idea of what we want. Of course, some expectations are unrealistic and this causes tremendous stress, anxiety, anger, struggle, and discontent. But other expectations are reasonable and realistic. Whatever the case, it’s not having the expectation that gets us in trouble; it’s when the expectation is not met that gives us difficulty.
When your expectations are not met, you can experience a psychological response including anger, resentment, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, etc. In fact, disappointment always points to an unmet expectation. This physiological response often causes people to choose the path at the fork that leads to what I call “The Ugly,” the inappropriate, unproductive, and unprofessional expression of emotion – loss of temper, yelling, conflict, bad feelings, name-calling, gossip, etc. In fact, this response leads to poor relationships, decreases morale, and can be deadly to a leader’s reputation as well as detrimental to the environment or culture of the workplace or your home. It leads to fear, causes shame, and requires effort to correct as well as time to heal.
Take a Step Back
The opportunity for choosing a better response is at the stuck point, that moment when you feel the anger start or the frustration creep in. What are you assuming here? Take a step back and question your assumption. The employee should know better but she did this anyway. Why? That’s what you need to find out. The employee’s response will give you direction – either she did know better and did it anyway in which case you might need to reinforce the policies, rules, and guiding values; or she didn’t know better and requires additional training.
When you take that step back, you are able to stand strong against your emotions. Take a deep breath and ask the person some questions about what they were thinking or feeling that would cause them to make that choice. If you are an emotional wreck and not in control, your behavior may instill fear and the person will respond to that with defensiveness or by cowering. And in that moment, you lost your opportunity to step into their world to discover how they handle their fear, what thoughts they have in moments of stress, or their knowledge base on your organizational policies. You might learn that they have difficulty asking for help or perhaps they don’t know when to defer to their manager or supervisor for assistance. There is a huge difference in your effectiveness as a leader when you are able to create a safe space for someone to be themselves – right or wrong in their thinking – but okay wherever they are. Detach from believing or wishing their thinking was different and instead, stay grounded in reality. If your child draws on the wall, then clearly she didn’t know the rule well enough or believe in it enough to follow it. You can choose to get angry and yell, or you can choose to love her in spite of her mistake.
This requires a huge amount of self-awareness to be able to recognize what you are feeling in that moment, as well as self-management so you can maintain self-control and make good choices to honor the this human being in front of you.
Human beings are infinitely more valuable than the rules or thoughts about how things should be done. In that moment, if you succumb to the emotional current, it may be difficult to remember that people come first.
Fear of Confrontation
Leaders often have difficulty addressing issues for many reasons all of which are habits of thought and not actual, real issues. In other words, you might want people to like you so you value being liked over confronting the issue. You might be concerned about how the other person will react so you value keeping the peace over clearing up the problem. You also could care so much for others that you feel bad about saying anything at all because you don’t want them to feel bad. You could have difficulty with rules yourself so a little rebellion on the part of someone else excites you.
These are all value judgments or thought patterns. But when you operate based on these thoughts, you cannot create the reality that you want. Focusing on being liked for instance, won’t bring you respect from others; in fact, it often has the opposite effect.
People want to be great but they don’t always know how. They want to do a great job but often their thoughts and impulses get in the way. Your job as a leader, is to see the good in others, have compassion, empathize by understanding where they are coming from, and then lead them in the direction they need to go.
“Wow! That is a beautiful picture! Look how colorful that is. You are truly an exceptional artist. Now, where are you supposed to draw? Are you supposed to draw on the wall? You are going to help clean that up now and I will get you some paper to use, ok?”
To your employee, you might validate him using empathy first by acknowledging what he might be feeling: “That was a difficult situation with customer Jones. Are you okay?” Once you’ve addressed his emotional state, then you can discuss things he did, things he didn’t do, things he needed to do, and how he can do things differently in the future. You can also identify gaps in learning and/or any attitude issues (not following rules, for instance, or maverick behaviors) if that is a problem.
By keeping yourself cool when you find yourself in that “stuck” place, you can walk yourself through it and choose a better, more effective, and professional path. It also is more enjoyable – you remain in control of yourself, you engage with others on a deeper, more respectful level, and the process feels good for all parties.
Self Management is Critical for Handling Problems - To learn more about this author, visit Julie Fuimano's Website.
Like this article? Share it with your friends
A staff member doesn’t handle a problem with a customer well, and you, as the manager, are upset. You think to yourself, “Why on earth would he do such a thing? Doesn’t he know better? He should know that’s not how to deal with a customer!”
Your young child is playing upstairs. You decide to go and check on her and discover that she’s been drawing on the wall. “Look at my beautiful picture!” this small face smiles up to you. You, of course, are enraged and think before responding, “Haven’t I taught her not to draw on the wall? Doesn’t she know better?”
There are probably thousands of examples of these moments, moments when you think “What would make someone do that?” It is at this very moment when we reach a fork in the road and quite often, we get stuck. The stuck point is the assumption that the person knows better. This is the expectation. You have an expectation for how an employee should behave, how your children should behave, how things should function, even how you should be and what you should do. These expectations sound like “shoulds”.
Unmet Expectations Are a Great Source of Stress
Expectations in and of themselves are not bad. We need to have some direction, some vision, and some idea of what we want. Of course, some expectations are unrealistic and this causes tremendous stress, anxiety, anger, struggle, and discontent. But other expectations are reasonable and realistic. Whatever the case, it’s not having the expectation that gets us in trouble; it’s when the expectation is not met that gives us difficulty.
When your expectations are not met, you can experience a psychological response including anger, resentment, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, etc. In fact, disappointment always points to an unmet expectation. This physiological response often causes people to choose the path at the fork that leads to what I call “The Ugly,” the inappropriate, unproductive, and unprofessional expression of emotion – loss of temper, yelling, conflict, bad feelings, name-calling, gossip, etc. In fact, this response leads to poor relationships, decreases morale, and can be deadly to a leader’s reputation as well as detrimental to the environment or culture of the workplace or your home. It leads to fear, causes shame, and requires effort to correct as well as time to heal.
Take a Step Back
The opportunity for choosing a better response is at the stuck point, that moment when you feel the anger start or the frustration creep in. What are you assuming here? Take a step back and question your assumption. The employee should know better but she did this anyway. Why? That’s what you need to find out. The employee’s response will give you direction – either she did know better and did it anyway in which case you might need to reinforce the policies, rules, and guiding values; or she didn’t know better and requires additional training.
When you take that step back, you are able to stand strong against your emotions. Take a deep breath and ask the person some questions about what they were thinking or feeling that would cause them to make that choice. If you are an emotional wreck and not in control, your behavior may instill fear and the person will respond to that with defensiveness or by cowering. And in that moment, you lost your opportunity to step into their world to discover how they handle their fear, what thoughts they have in moments of stress, or their knowledge base on your organizational policies. You might learn that they have difficulty asking for help or perhaps they don’t know when to defer to their manager or supervisor for assistance. There is a huge difference in your effectiveness as a leader when you are able to create a safe space for someone to be themselves – right or wrong in their thinking – but okay wherever they are. Detach from believing or wishing their thinking was different and instead, stay grounded in reality. If your child draws on the wall, then clearly she didn’t know the rule well enough or believe in it enough to follow it. You can choose to get angry and yell, or you can choose to love her in spite of her mistake.
This requires a huge amount of self-awareness to be able to recognize what you are feeling in that moment, as well as self-management so you can maintain self-control and make good choices to honor the this human being in front of you.
Human beings are infinitely more valuable than the rules or thoughts about how things should be done. In that moment, if you succumb to the emotional current, it may be difficult to remember that people come first.
Fear of Confrontation
Leaders often have difficulty addressing issues for many reasons all of which are habits of thought and not actual, real issues. In other words, you might want people to like you so you value being liked over confronting the issue. You might be concerned about how the other person will react so you value keeping the peace over clearing up the problem. You also could care so much for others that you feel bad about saying anything at all because you don’t want them to feel bad. You could have difficulty with rules yourself so a little rebellion on the part of someone else excites you.
These are all value judgments or thought patterns. But when you operate based on these thoughts, you cannot create the reality that you want. Focusing on being liked for instance, won’t bring you respect from others; in fact, it often has the opposite effect.
People want to be great but they don’t always know how. They want to do a great job but often their thoughts and impulses get in the way. Your job as a leader, is to see the good in others, have compassion, empathize by understanding where they are coming from, and then lead them in the direction they need to go.
“Wow! That is a beautiful picture! Look how colorful that is. You are truly an exceptional artist. Now, where are you supposed to draw? Are you supposed to draw on the wall? You are going to help clean that up now and I will get you some paper to use, ok?”
To your employee, you might validate him using empathy first by acknowledging what he might be feeling: “That was a difficult situation with customer Jones. Are you okay?” Once you’ve addressed his emotional state, then you can discuss things he did, things he didn’t do, things he needed to do, and how he can do things differently in the future. You can also identify gaps in learning and/or any attitude issues (not following rules, for instance, or maverick behaviors) if that is a problem.
By keeping yourself cool when you find yourself in that “stuck” place, you can walk yourself through it and choose a better, more effective, and professional path. It also is more enjoyable – you remain in control of yourself, you engage with others on a deeper, more respectful level, and the process feels good for all parties.
Self Management is Critical for Handling Problems - To learn more about this author, visit Julie Fuimano's Website.
Like this article? Share it with your friends
 | |
 |
No article feedback found. |
| |
Leave Your Feedback |
 | |
| |||
Leanne Hoagland-SmithAre your sales where you want them to be? Will you be one of the few who achieves sales or business success or one of the many who have failed to change? Are you tired of being told you are like everyone else? Then you may find my first book on sales of interest. Be the Red Jacket in the Sea of Gray Suits, The Keys to Unlocking Sales available at Amazon or at http://www.processspecialist.com/red-jacket.htm. This book is a reflection of my no-nonsense approach to improving sales to overall business results. If you are truly committed to making sustainable changes, then I can help you secure a positive return on your investment because I focus on executable solutions not telling you the problems you already know you have. From training to corporate (group) coaching to executive one on one coaching, my approach is to assess, create awareness, build a goal driven action plan and then execute. The bottom line question is "Not do you or your employees know it, but do you or they want to do it?" Please call for a free strategy session at 219.759.5601. - Visit Leanne Hoagland-Smith's Website |
|||
David AchesonDavid Acheson is the founder of DCJA Consultancy. DCJA Consultancy is a management consultancy business specialising in B2B sales consultancy. They offer bespoke and packaged sales consultancy including Sales Optimisation Review, Interim Sales Management, Sales & Marketing Review, 1:1 Sales & Management Staff Analysis, Management Training, Solution Sales Training, Creation of New Pay Plan, KPI's, run Customer Feedback Campaigns, assist with Recruitment, Coaching, Appraisals and set up Strategic Marketing Campaigns. David spent his early career in accountancy and then moved into sales in 1982, working in Office Equipment, IT, Advertising, Training, Outsourcing and Consultancy. He has held many Senior Positions in SMBs and Global Organisations including Head of Sales Operations & Head of Business Development. His knowledge, skills and great experience of the Sales Industry has led to David making keynote speeches and running educational sessions to key businesses through organisations including The Chamber of Commerce and Business Link. - Visit David Acheson's Website |
|||
Dave KurlanDave Kurlan is the founder and CEO of Objective Management Group, Inc., the industry leader in sales assessments and sales force evaluations, and the CEO of David Kurlan & Associates, Inc., a consulting firm specializing in sales force development. Dave has been a top rated speaker at Inc. Magazine's Conference on Growing the Company, the Sales & Marketing Management Conference and the Gazelles Sales & Marketing Summit. He has been featured on radio and TV, including World Business Review with General Norman Schwarzkopf, in Inc. Magazine, Selling Power Magazine, Sales & Marketing Management Magazine and Incentive Magazine. He is the author of Mindless Selling and Baseline Selling – How to Become a Sales Superstar by Using What You Already Know about the Game of Baseball. He created and wrote STAR, a proprietary recruiting process for hiring great salespeople, and he writes Understanding the Sales Force, a popular business Blog and is a contributing author to The Death of 20th Century Selling and 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life, Volume 2. - Visit Dave Kurlan's Website |
|||
Linda RichardsonLinda Richardson is the Founder and Executive Chairwoman of Richardson, a global sales training and performance improvement company. As a recognized leader in the industry, she has won the coveted Stevie Award for Lifetime Achievement in Sales Excellence and she was identified by Training Industry, Inc. as one of the “Top 20 Most Influential Training Professionals.” Ms. Richardson is credited with the movement to Consultative Selling and is the author of ten books on selling and sales management, including Sales Coaching — Making the Great Leap from Sales Manager to Sales Coach, and Stop Telling, Start Selling. She teaches sales and management at the Wharton Graduate School of the University of Pennsylvania and the Wharton Executive Development Center. Linda is a frequent speaker at industry and client conferences, has been published extensively in industry and training journals, and has been featured in numerous publications, including The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Nation’s Business, Selling Power, Success, and The Conference Board Magazine. Learn more about Richardson's sales training and performance improvement solutions at http://www.richardson.com web - Visit Linda Richardson's Website |
|||
Stephanie RobeyStephanie Robey is President and CoFounder of Pivot Positive, LLC - an Internet marketing business focused on helping people start work at home ventures. Previously, she was employed at The Search Agency with over 20 years experience in graphic design and 10 years experience in online marketing. She was responsible for launching the Conversion Path Optimization (CPO) unit where she and her team have conducted hundreds of optimization tests for online companies across multiple verticals. She is a successful entrepreneur having started and sold 2 companies and remains on the board of directors of the third, PhotoSpin.com Stephanie began her career in the direct marketing realm creating and producing direct mail for many of the major cable television companies and directly attributes her understanding of Internet marketing to those early offline experiences. Stephanie is a graduate of San Diego State University with a BFA in Graphic Arts and also holds an Executive MBA from the Graziadio School of Business and Management at Pepperdine University. Read Steph's Blog Meet Steph and Dave Sign up for our Free 7-Day BootCamp: Self Employed & Rich - Visit Stephanie Robey's Website |
|||
|
To learn more about the Evan Elite Author Program please contact us. | |||
 | |
|  |
Subscribe to Julie's articles
 | |
|
|  |
 | |
|
| |
 | |||||||
|
 | ||
 |
||
|
||
 |
||
|
| ||
 |
| Have you written articles that would be of value to entrepreneurs? Become an expert on our site by publishing them! Expose yourself to a wide audience, drive more traffic to your website and get more sales! Click Here for details. |
|
|
 |
| Modeling the Masters: Learn the true secrets behind Walt Disney's business success factors & grow your company! Video produced by Phanta Media |
|
|
 |
"Learn straight from Evan how you can Make a Full Time Income (And More) from a Website"
Click Here To Learn More |
|
|
|
|
Get advice & tips from famous business owners, new articles by entrepreneur experts, my latest website updates, & special sneak peaks at what's to come!
|
|
|
 Get 'em Good or Get 'em Gone! Tips for QuickBooks Backup Managing the Unimaginable The Art Of Networking 100 Success Tips |
|
 | ||
 |
Top 50 SEO Posts - 2008
Top SEO Posts of the Year | |
 |
Top 50 Productivity Blogs
Top Blogs To Watch In 2009 | |
| ||
 | ||||
| ||||
|
| ||||
| ||||
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||
|
Email us your ideas on how to make our website more valuable! Thank you Sharon from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for your suggestions to make the newsletter look like the website and profile younger entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez and Sean Combs!
|
|
|
| ||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||