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How to become a more helpful business coach by asking intelligent questions

Written by: Chris Farmer

Article Overview: If you were to discover that there was one verbal skill that would dramatically improve your ability to coach others more effectively, would you be willing to practice it until you were an expert?

How to become a more helpful business coach by asking intelligent questions

That one vital skill is asking intelligent questions.
What is the difference between “asking a question” and “telling somebody something”?

Here are some definitions to clarify the difference.

A question requires an answer in either thought or action.
A question requires the person to evaluate, or re-evaluate a fact or idea. It causes the person to judge or decide. It causes the person to consider the causes of an event, or its possible implications.

Questions trigger thought.
And since human thought directs human action, questions can elicit a change in behaviour.

Let us contrast asking questions with “telling”:

“Telling” is making an assertion about what you think the other should do.
An assertion is “a statement that purports to be true”. So when you make an assertion, it tells about you: the way you think.
That may be enough to affect the way I will act in the future.
But it probably won’t.
I act in accordance to my ideas, not yours.
You act in accordance with your ideas, not mine.


So here is the point.

When coaching, ask more questions, make fewer assertions.

Some people think that questions are used only to ask for information. But is that the only way you can use them?

No. Questions can be used more creatively than that.



With questions you can:
o Ask for agreement
o Gently challenge a belief
o Gain involvement
o Generate options
o Clarify thinking

Why is it better to ask questions?
When communicating with others it is often better to ask questions because, people do not like being told;
They do not like being told what to do nor told what to think.
Instead, they prefer to be shown an idea or asked to do an action.

For example, which would you prefer: to be told to do something, or to be asked to do it?
Most people prefer to be asked, don’t they?

If you are being told what to do, or think by someone else, how does that make you feel?

You may that feel the other person is being a little too pushy.

And as a coach you cannot afford to come across as “pushy”.
If someone keeps pushing you, what do you feel like doing?
Pushing back.

Telling people what you think they should do, rarely works.

In fact it is counter productive because “telling” can set up a resistance in the mind of the listener.
Sir Isaac Newton put it this way
“For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”

You are in the business of creating positive changes in others, so you want to avoid doing anything that inspires opposition.
And you want to do everything that creates a feeling of mutual agreement.

Remember this fundamental fact of human nature:



You cannot force a mind

People tend to think what they want to think, not what you think they should think!
And as action follows thought, you must influence the thinking of another if you want to change their actions and improve their results.

You cannot force a mind.
It is just human nature.
If you try to force a mind, you will lose.
So, rather than forcing, why not try leading it, with questions?

Why are questions so much more useful?

They are more useful because they cause the person to think of the answer. The answer may not be verbalised, but it will occur anyway in the privacy of the others thoughts. And by inviting a change of direction in thinking, we are opening the door on the possibility of new actions and new results.

A second reason that questions are more helpful to you is that they stimulate answers from the inside, as opposed to you attempting to force answers in from the outside. As a result, questions can seem a less “aggressive” form of influence.


Let me show you an example:
Imagine you are management a coach Julia, who has admonished her colleague Rebecca, in a highly visible way. You want to help Julia to make changes to her style. Imagine trying this approach using assertions:

“Julia. I need to tell you something. I think that you were wrong to speak to Rebecca in front of everyone else. If you speak to Rebecca in front of everyone, you will make her feel angry. So you should take her aside and say it in private.”

The points you make are true and valid, but you are telling Julia, so she may fight you.

Instead, what would happen if you asked these questions?

“Julia. I noticed that this morning you reprimanded Rebecca in front of all her friends. May I ask you; If you had made an error, what would you prefer; to be corrected in public, where every one can see, or corrected in private, where nobody else can see?
(Pause)
So, please, next time Julia, if Rebecca makes another mistake, wouldn’t it be better to take her aside and speak to her in private?”



Two useful types of questions
There are two very useful types of questions I would like you to perfect:
o Questions that ask for minor agreements
o Questions that challenge belief systems.
Let us look at each in turn:

Questions ask for minor agreements
Being a good coach and team leader is a skilled job.
You need to be able to contradict and challenge others, but in an agreeable way.
We want to avoid unnecessary resistance and conflict. So it is important to ask questions because questions can stimulate “Minor agreements”.
A “minor agreement” occurs anytime that you say something that causes the other person to say “Yes”.
Could you find ways to use questions to stimulate the other person to say “Yes”?
With every “Yes” you get, as a coach, you take one step forward.
Questions can have the effect of winning minor agreements.

How could you use questions in this way?
You do it by taking assertions and transforming them into questions by:
“Tagging on” a question phrase.
Examples of tag question phrases are:
o Isn’t it?
o Wasn’t it?
o Can’t we?
o Can’t you?
o Wont you?
o Wont we?
o Could they?
o Wouldn’t you?

You get the idea, don’t you?
As you speak, gently scatter tag questions, changing your assertions into questions that invite an agreement.
What happens if you gently ask for agreements, as you speak?
Three things:
1. You gain minor yeses.
2. You increase the level of understanding and trust.
3. You “take them with you”, mentally.

Imagine that, as their coach, every time you can win a “Yes” from the other person, you score ten points.
And your goal is to score points.

If you do not ask for minor agreements, i.e. if you fail to get “yeses”, you may lose.
Why?
Because without “yeses” you’ll lose the trust and confidence of the people that you are managing. If you make too many assertions, they may begin to feel that you are not taking their feelings into account.

Another effect of tag questions is they “hook the mind” of the other person.
When you ask a question, what happens in the mind of the listener?
They answer it.
They do not necessarily say anything aloud, but they think of the answer, and that has the effect of keeping them more involved in what you are saying.

Compare that to a person who drones on as they tell you what they think you should do. After two minutes, what happens?
You drift off. You don’t want them to drift off, so bring them back with questions.


Remember: Questions keep people mentally engaged.

Exercise, Look back at the last two pages and count the number of questions I have asked.
Do you think my use of questions was intentional or accidental?


Why do you think I asked so many questions? Write down two reasons:

1

2




Ask questions that gently challenge limiting belief systems
o I define “belief” as a “personal evaluation of what is true”

o A belief system is “An organised view of the world that affects the persons feelings and actions”

o A “Limiting belief” is a belief system that puts mental restrictions on the person who hold it. Those restrictions prevent the person from expressing their true potential.
People can only do what they believe they can do. So a person’s true potential is expressed only to the degree that he believes in himself. We want to maximise the expression of a person’s full potential so we have to maximise a person’s self-belief. Putting the same point the other way, we need to have a person break through limiting beliefs.

So, as a coach, your job includes:
o Helping people to become conscious of their own beliefs.
o Helping people to identify contradictory beliefs.
o Helping people to identify un-realistic beliefs.
o Helping people to identify dis-empowering beliefs.
o Helping people to upgrade their self-belief.
All this is done more effectively with questions.

Sometimes, what people believe is true, can be more trouble to them than what actually is true!

What I mean by that is: Do you know someone who creates stress for themselves by reacting to non existent problems?
They respond to events that are in their own mind only.
So as a coach, we may need to challenge dis-empowering belief systems.

Remember: We respond to two things:
1 Reality (for example, cold temperature may cause us to respond by shivering)
2 What we believe is reality (For example, an unfounded fear may also cause us to respond by shivering).

People are not only influenced by the facts, but also by their beliefs about what is possible.
A person’s “belief system” may hinder or help them.
For example, do you know someone who has the education, has the knowledge, but does not achieve what you think they might because they lack Self-belief?

You may find that the person you are coaching either lacks self-belief, or worse, actually holds negative belief systems about themselves. The Negative self-beliefs that hinder their progress.

Under these circumstances, wouldn’t it make sense to gently boost their self-belief, or challenge their negative belief so as to permit them to access more of their potential?

But how? You cannot just say “Think Positive!” and expect that to work.

Again, the way forward is to ask good questions that will inspire a re evaluation on the part of the listener. You want them to re-evaluate and upgrade their own self-belief. Ask them great questions.



For example: Imagine you were working with Nigel, who had to make a presentation to a group of important decision makers. Nigel, said, “I can’t make that presentation because I could never stand up in front of all those people”

You could say, “Don’t think so negative. You will be fine. I’m telling you. Just think positive!”
That would not work, because you are telling, not asking.

Instead, you might ask questions to have Nigel gently turn a corner. Like this:

“The person who can do the best job of this presentation is the person who best knows the material. Out of you and John, who knows the material the best?

Nigel says, “I do”

So are you the best person for the job?
Well yes. But I hate public speaking.
Why?
It makes me nervous.
Is it possible for someone to make a good presentation even though they are nervous?

Yes. I suppose. Provided they knew their stuff.
“You know the material the best. And if we gave you the support you needed, do you think it would be possible you could win over your nerves”

Nigel “I don’t know. Maybe it is possible. But I would need you to help me.”
You “When you say help, how do you mean?”
Nigel “I would need help with structuring and organising my material.
You “ If you had that sorted, so you had a step by step plan, would you feel stronger?
Nigel “ Yes. A bit”
You “ So if you and I worked on the notes and built a step by step plan, do you think you could do a decent job?
Nigel “Yes. I reckon I could.”
Great. Well done!

We have gone from “I can’t make that presentation “ to “Yes I reckon I could” by asking questions.

Why not develop your ability to become a “Skilful questioner”?

Think of the benefits you would gain.





Going on. Belief systems may be about other people.
We all have attitudes to “the world at large”. Some of them are optimistic and some are pessimistic.
Because you want to develop yourself as coach and team leader, you want to inspire optimistic belief systems in others.
That would be a good idea because optimism allows people to access their potential. If people believe they can do something, they will access their creative mind to discover how.

If they do not believe they can do something they will not access their creativity, because to them, it would be a useless waste of time. So optimistic people have a tendency to achieve more.

And their achievement inspires even more optimism.

Pessimistic people achieve less. And then their lack of success justifies their pessimism.

Some people ask me : “How can I inspire optimism in a pessimist?”
I tell them “You cannot just say, “Cheer up. Think positive. Look on the bright side!”. That annoys most people.
Rather, the answer is to continually ask questions that inspire thoughts that will lead to optimism.
Let me give you an example: Listen to this example and notice how it is all done with questions:

Imagine that Joss says to you:
“I would like to go for the job, but I would never get it!”

You: What would you need?

Joss: What do you mean?

You; What would you need to get the job?

Joss: I would need more experience in sales

You: If you had that, would you have a good chance?

Joss: Maybe

You: Didn’t you have to sell yourself to get the job you are in now?
Joss: Yes, of course. There were six other candidates!
You: And weren’t you successful then?
Joss; Yes
You: So might you have a chance to get the new job too?
Joss: Maybe?
You: What would be the first thing to do, to get the job?
Joss: Get an application form
You: When shall we get it? Lunchtime?
Joss: Okay.


Notice that you did not argue. You didn’t say, “Don’t be pessimistic. You have to have more faith in yourself” That direct assault on his belief system would fail.
Let us summarise what we have discussed in this section
o Ask more questions, make fewer assertions.
o Because, you cannot force a mind.
o Practice asking questions that gain minor agreements.
o Practice asking questions that gently challenge hostile or destructive beliefs systems

Related Articles
  Bay Area Executive Coaching - Make Good Use of a Coach
  THE ART OF THINKING
  Emotionally Intelligent Job-Related Feedback
  Executive Presence and Leadership Development
  Ten Tips to Build a Culture of Trust

Article Tags: assertion, assertions, belief, coa, communicating with others, definitions, intelligent questions, vital skill



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