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When Service Stops Feeling Good

Guest post by: Stephanie Florman

Article Overview: Learn common self-sacrifice symptoms and the important questions to ask yourself when service stops feeling good

When Service Stops Feeling Good

A few months ago, when some of my clients started to become concerned that the failing economy would negatively impact their business, I helped them create spiritual solutions that focused on increasing their customer service. But lately many of those same people are sitting on my counseling couch and letting me know that service does not feel so good anymore; and I know enough about service to know that when service stops feeling good, it is sacrifice (I know about sacrifice, too!). There is a fine line that distinguishes service and sacrifice and I would like to help you make that line a bit bolder.

I have been hearing this a great deal lately:

- I feel taken advantage of

- I feel unappreciated

- I do not want to give anything to anybody

- I am tired, overwhelmed, exhausted, shaky, etc.

- I want everyone to just leave me alone

- I do not want another person to need another thing from me

- I did it because I had to

- I felt guilty

- If I did not do this for them, they would have never gotten it done, but now I am behind

- And my personal favorite "F*ck it, I am done"

All of these statements point to -- you guessed it -- sacrifice. I am here to let you know that sacrifice has a cure, a cure that involves practicing self-care and flexing the boundary muscle.

The first step to healing sacrifice is to evaluate the people in your life who have been bothering you. Usually "everybody" is really one or two people, so watch out for the tendency to over-generalize. Creating spiritual solutions for one or two people is a lot more manageable than creating spiritual solutions for everyone; but you will not know what you need to do to feel better until you know who and what is bothering you and why.

- Who is bothering you? (Hey, do not hold back here!)

- Why are they bothering you? (Get specific, I want details.)

If you gave yourself some objective space to figure that out, you can use your answers as a starting point to lead you to clarity. Great job, by the way. Now it is time to ask yourself some important questions:

- What are my needs? (In general, or regarding this situation.)

- Am I meeting my needs? (If you found yourself resonating with the sacrifice symptom list, you probably have unmet needs.)

- How can I meet those needs? (I want you to give yourself permission to meet your self-care needs.)

- What are your boundaries regarding this person or this situation?

- Have you clearly defined your boundaries with this person or situation?

- Have your boundaries been crossed?

- Have you tried saying "no" (without offering an explanation)?

- Can you accept that some people may have a problem with your needs, your new boundaries and with your new favorite word (if you do not know, your new favorite word is "no")?

- What internal actions do you need to take?

- What external actions can you take?

I want you to consider that it is only after you meet your needs and respect your own boundaries that you can serve others powerfully. Remember that when you sacrifice, you give what you do not have; and when you authentically serve, you need nothing in return. The only way to guarantee that you do not need anything in return from your exchange is to make certain your needs are met going into the interaction... makes sense, right?

For me, the hardest shift from sacrifice to service was getting over the fear that people may not like me, that I may be disappointing people or letting them down, and that my relationships may change and even possibly end. And, as I have met my needs and protected my boundaries, people have not liked me, and I have disappointed people; my relationships have changed and some of them have even ended... and I accept that.

I accept it because there is one person I will go to sleep with every night for the rest of my life and wake up with every morning -- and that person is me. To face my fear, I needed to make the decision that my relationship with myself was more important than my relationship with anyone else in my life, and that taking care of me was the only way I could help others. I hope you will join me in that thinking -- it has made all the difference in my world.

Today I invite you to find your place along the sacrifice-service spectrum. If you find yourself slipping into sacrifice, please take the time to answer these questions, and, if you need help creating spiritual solutions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

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Article Tags: Authentic Service, Feeling Overwhelmed, Feeling Unappreciated, Self-Sacrifice



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