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THE PERMISSION MODEL

Written by: Carol Wilson

Article Overview: This article was first published in Training Journal as part of the series by Carol Wilson identifying the tools and models frequently used during coaching projects, of which Learning & Development Directors and Corporate Coaches will find it useful to be aware. It is reproduced by kind permission.

THE PERMISSION MODEL

1. Resolving conflict: Can I tell you? Permission is the unsung hero of conflict resolution. Think of the person who irritates you the most; you may have vowed before a meeting that you will be ultra polite in order to avoid the usual conflict yet, in the event, the person becomes more upset with you than ever. What is missing here is undoubtedly permission, both spoken and implied in your body language to each other. ‘What I think we should do', however politely spoken, is not going to turn enemies into friends. If you can grit your teeth and rephrase it to, ‘Can I tell you what I think we should do?' the barriers will start to crumble and rapport will grow. Permission is probably the only coaching skill which can be successfully faked.

2. Being heard: "Can I add something to that?"

In a situation where one or more people are ‘talking over' you and not making it easy for your contribution, try the phrase ‘Can I add something to that?' People will stop talking and listen to you, because you are respecting what has just been said.

The opposite of ‘can I add something to that?' is ‘Yes, but ...', which imp[lies dismissal not only of everything that has gone before, but of the person who said it, laying a ripe foundation for resentment. ‘Can I add?' carries the message that we have heard and understood what has been said and found it so valuable that we want to expand the topic instead of introducing a new one. Other people will then have a sense of hearing more about their own ideas rather than ours. It validates what they have said.

3. Giving feedback: "Can I share something I have noticed?"

When you have to give some learning, or ‘negative' feedback, asking permission to do so will soften the blow and relax people, so that they will be more ready to listen and cooperate with you. The most effective way of delivering feedback is to ask the person to give themselves feedback before offering yours (covered under ‘Coaching Feedback' in this manual). However, there are times when it is necessary to be more direct and permission will ease the situation here.

4. Creating boundaries: "Can I make a suggestion?"

Coaching is about enabling self-discovery and asking people for their own solutions. However if you as the coach or manager have some useful information or experience, or your intuition is flagging up a message, it would be churlish not to pass it on. Preceding your offering with a question creates a boundary between eliciting information from the coachee and giving your own. It eliminates intrusiveness and turns your contribution into a gift which can be used if helpful or discarded without any awkwardness if not.

The coach must not be attached to the outcome; if the coach's suggestion does not appeal to the coachee, it must be put aside. A general rule of thumb is to offer suggestions no more than 20% of the time in formal coaching sessions, and only after the coachee's own ideas have been exhausted.

Permission also works well in creating boundaries in team situations, demonstrating respect and that people are willing to listen and take account of each other's views.

5. Harmony: implicit

Think of an exchange with your best friend or most trusted colleague; the actual words of permission are probably rarely used because permission is inherent in the relationship. It will however be evident in voice tone and body language. The higher the level of trust, the less permission needs to be overtly stated and vice versa.

When is a permission not permission?

We have all heard politicians say ‘can I finish?' when interrupted by an interviewer or opponent. This is a statement which appears to comply with all the criteria of asking permission yet which produces conflict. This is because of the intention behind it; there is an implied criticism and the question is not a request but a demand. It is essential to keep in mind that coaching is a mindset and attitude rather than a set of tools; the underlying intention must be aligned with coaching values, which are to make people feel comfortable, help their development and build trust.



About Permission

Unlike most coaching questions, asking permission is of its essence a closed one. Its power is in the fact that people can say ‘no', although this is rarely the result. Of course, one has to be prepared to accept a ‘no' if that is the reply. However, the reason this is unlikely to happen is because what we are giving the person is control, and control is a fundamental need of the human race, going back to the time when control of our environment meant the difference between survival, being eaten by an animal or freezing to death. Our sense of safety is increased when people ask permission. This is reflected in the fact that the safer people feel at work, in terms of a blame-free and supportive environment, the more risks they will be prepared to take, the more confident they will feel and the higher their performance will be.

Fundamentally, permission is a tool which creates and respects the non-aggressive types of boundaries essential for harmony in relationships. The importance of positive boundaries has been recognised for centuries in different cultures all over the world:

"Good fences make good neighbours" - English proverb

"There must be a fence between good neighbours" - Norwegian proverb

"Between neighbours' gardens a fence is good" - German proverb,

"Build a fence even between intimate friends" - Japanese proverb,

"Love your neighbour, but do not throw down the dividing wall" - Hindi proverb

"Love your neighbour, but put up a fence" - Russian proverb.

"Bonum est erigere dumos cum vicinis" ("It is good to erect hedges with the neighbours")- medieval Latin proverb

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Article Tags: body language, conflict resolution, enemies, giving feedback, grit, negative feedback, phrase, resentment, resolving conflict, teeth, unsung hero



Related Forum Posts
VALUE = ROI / Price (Cost) or Opportunty Spent - OK, this is getting good. So let me just expand on this a little bit. So we talk about "Giving value first and ask for nothing in return"... it's easy to say because we hear it all of the time being effectively used by respected marketers. Let's think about that a bit deeper so that we could improve on it. For example, I get contacted by stranger network marketers around the world on a daily basis who would stuff my email and voicemail with their "free" offers. It's great that they're offering something for free, but how in the world would I know or even care what they're offering would mean anything to me? For example, to get anyone's attention who has no knowledge of you, the recipient EXPECTS something to be presented at zero cost so that they'll give you the PERMISSION for the upcoming sales pitch. In other words, we are all "suspects" who haven't gained our market's confidence until and unless we first give something of value and prove our messages could possibly benefit the user. OK, but what many people do not realize is.... just because the "free offer" is relevant, or we didn't pay money for the message, it still costs our opportunity to be just paying attention to it. Here is a scenario, I get a phone call from a stranger who knows nothing about me. Without asking me for a permission, just because their FREE message is relevant to what I do, they assume they're doing me a favor by approaching me with their promotion. Is this message offering me any value? I think we all know this approach is not valuable. Is the message free? I sure didn't pay for the message, but it costs me each and every time I have to pay attention to it. We drive our cars, listen to the radio, expect stations to be playing commercials because we give them permission while we tune in to listen to their music. But that situation is certainly at a different level of permission than voice mailbox full of messages who haven't gained my permission to approach me with their free offers. You can visit any business forums on the internet, new people eagerly register and tell the world what they do. Well, it just took someone's time to sort through that post. So there has to be some steps taken [i:1sx5qrpd]prior [/i:1sx5qrpd]to the market deciding to find our message valuable. And when they see true value in our message, that message no longer needs to be anything of free. OK, everyone, anything you could do to help expand this discussion? I hope you know where I am going with this -- I don't have problems with anyone suggesting one way or another and nobody is wrong at anything they say, it's just an appropriate topic to discuss deeply in Sales and Marketing section of the forum.


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