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HAI Principles

Guest post by: Mary Allen

Article Overview: HAI - Human Awareness Institute - If you are intrigued with the idea of opening your heart more fully, moving past fears around intimacy, healing core relationships, getting beyond issues of body image or packaging, becoming more comfortable with both men and women, and/or would like to learn how to "love" people without necessarily "liking" their behavior, I highly recommend their program.

HAI Principles

HAI Principles

1. Be vulnerable; tell the truth at deeper and deeper levels.I love the idea of being vulnerable and sharing my "truth," in theory. Personally, I find this challenging, however, as I share more of my "truth" with others, especially those I care about most, it's incredibly liberating to be seen and accepted for who I am. What is your truth?Ask yourself these questions.

What am I feeling? What am I NOT feeling?

Use these questions as a mantra to constantly check in with yourself, especially when you find yourself stirred emotionally. And, for me, being vulnerable is not just noticing what I am or am not feeling, but more importantly "sharing those feelings"- saying what is most difficult to say, telling my most embarrassing moments, truly revealing myself.Even more difficult for me is being vulnerable requires me to become aware of the barriers that I create that keep me distant from someone.

Why is it difficult for me to gaze into another person's eyes for an extended period of time?
What makes me feel uncomfortable about hugging someone?

What internal blocks keep me from connecting more fully with another person?

When I can address these questions, as well as truly express the things I don't want to, I feel vulnerable. And, that is very exciting for me. Funny how the things that we are most scared to admit just act as blocks to us really being able to connect with someone else. Perhaps some important questions to ask ourselves are, "What am I hiding? What don't I want people to know about me? BE VULNERABLE…share one of these questions AND answers with a friend or partner.

2. Listen more to others.How often do we ask a question, then as our partner is answering, feel we MUST RESPOND NOW? So, we jump in, and interrupt them...not allowing our partner to finish. AND, then we start talking...expecting them to now give US their undivided attention?? Then, they jump in wanting to finish...and the vicious cycle continues, while neither person truly "listens" to and "hears" the other. Sound familiar? Listening takes the pressure off. We often feel like we must always respond. But we don't have to. Just listening is such a gift to the person who is sharing. And, it's easy to hear what the other is saying when we quiet our own dialogue about what comes next and just be.

SOULFUL CHALLENGE:Ask your partner (or friend) a personal question...just focus on listening. Take in 100% of what they are saying. Allow them to speak fully without interruption. Appreciate your partner for their willingness to share their thought or feelings with you. Let go of any thoughts or judgments that show up. When they are finished, thank them for sharing. Refrain from responding. Notice how your partner feels when they've been able to communicate 100% of their truth. Then switch roles with your partner, and without responding to what they said, answer the same question. Notice how it feels to be "heard."

3. Ask for 100% of what you want 100% of the time; be willing to hear "no"; and look for ways to give and create win-win.Asking for what you want dramatically increases your chances of getting it. Others can't read your mind, so it's your responsibility to ASK. People often wait until it's something that they really, really want...then they get all attached to it, and if the other says "no," it's nearly impossible to accept "no" for an answer. Hearing a "no" from someone isn't personal. It's just their choice in the moment. Honor it. Respect it. Allow others to have their choices.

Once you're clear about what you want, and willing to hear "no," the next step is finding ways to give and create win-win. Let's say you ask for a raise today. So what if they say no?Now you have a choice. Asking for what we want actually gives us choice, and choice is liberating. If you don't ask, you live in the realm of "what if." If you do ask, you might get what you want. Sometimes you don't even know what you want until you ask for something and then the whole world opens up. The same is true in relationships.

4. Take care of yourself; love yourself unconditionally.This is by far the hardest for many, and in many ways the most important. How can we expect anyone else in the world to take care of us, if we can't take care of ourselves? How can we expect "yes's" in our world, if we can't say "yes" to ourselves? How can we expect others to find us attractive, if we are not attractive to ourselves?When you truly take care of yourself, and love yourself unconditionally, you'll more automatically want to HONOR yourself, and your choices. You'll feel that what you have to say IS important and worth sharing. And, you'll want to give yourself the power to act on the choices that serve you best. When we sacrifice for others, we're essentially saying they are more important than my own well-being. How can you care for yourself even more?

5. Say "no" when you mean "no," "yes" when you mean "yes."So often I find myself saying "yes" when what would be best for me is a "NO." I'm embarrassed to say, I've dished out lots of "faux yes's" out of obligation, wanting to please others, not wanting to reject another, convenience, or in "indecision." All crummy reasons for saying "yes."

Another important element is to recognize whether we are a "yes person" or a "no person." We all have tendencies. I am a "yes person" and find myself saying "yes" so easily to just about anything. "No" people may find themselves resistant to saying "yes."

SOULFUL CHALLENGE: For the next week, pause briefly before each action or decision, and check in with yourself. CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE. YES or NO?Which action, decision, or choice is best for YOU NOW? Do you want to drop everything for a spousal request? Will choosing that cheesecake serve your highest good? Do you want to join your in-laws for dinner? Challenge yourself to say "no" when you mean "no" and "yes" when you mean "yes." Notice how it feels when you honor the choice that feels best for you.

6. Remember you are always at CHOICE.This IS the core principle.You ARE ALWAYS at CHOICE. If you say yes, it's a choice. If you say "no," it's a choice. If you succumb to another, it's a choice. Not deciding is a choice. If you've committed to something, it's a choice to follow through or not.

As creatures of habit, it doesn't always feel like we're "choosing" because we're often on autopilot. (When we go with "autopilot" we're subconsciously choosing to go with a choice we made long ago.) However, it is a choice to let the habitual pattern take precedence, or to "choose" what is truly right for you in the moment now. And, you can always make a new choice at any moment. How conscious are you of your choices?Where are you saying "yes," when you'd rather say "no"?

A couple of my clients chose to embrace this element over the past week. By slowing down and checking in with themselves, they found they made choices that honored their highest good. And, in doing that, felt an enormous sense of personal power and control.

Try the Soulful Challenge in #5 "Choices in Action"- Colleen, Small Business Owner & Coaching Client."This week, the word "choice" was key to many transformed opportunities for me. I often feel that sensation of getting sucked into the current of a situation, and tended to go with the flow, whether or not it was what served me best. Now I think, "You have a choice." This helps me to stop ... refocus ... and take a second to think about whether or not this is the choice I want to make in this moment. I can still go with the flow, but now, it's a conscious choice. Then, rather than life running away with me, I am directing my life and moving it in the direction I want.

"By working through keys 1-5, it becomes easier to see that we truly are at choice.The world and life is not happening to us. Everything we do is choice. When we realize that we truly have "CHOICE," it's liberating. And, so easy to forget.

HAI - Human Awareness Institute -If you are intrigued with the idea of opening your heart more fully, moving past fears around intimacy, healing core relationships, getting beyond issues of body image or packaging, becoming more comfortable with both men and women, and/or would like to learn how to "love" people without necessarily "liking" their behavior, I highly recommend their program. Visit their website for more info or attend their one-day workshop call "Pathways to Intimacy." I don't receive anything for the referral, except the satisfaction of passing along a resource that had a profound impact on me.

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Article Tags: awareness, being real, body image, fears, heart, human awareness institute, intimacy, men and women, peace, present, relationships



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