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Chapter 2 from The Secret of Communication - What Is The Secret?
| Guest post by: N. R. Brown |
Article Overview: Introducing the Seven Simple Steps to Solid Success!
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Chapter 2 from The Secret of Communication - What Is The Secret?
Chapter
Two
What is the Secret?
What you don’t say can ruin your life! You
already learned the hard way that saying the wrong thing in a job interview can
destroy your chances of getting hired. Or if you are working saying the wrong
thing can wipe out your chance of getting a promotion or a raise. It can also
turn people against you and wreck friendships. What you may not have known is
that the things you don’t say can have the same affect and perhaps worse.
People who would have given you an offer of your lifetime don’t because in
their mind you weren’t among the group of people they were considering and
that’s because you never said things that would have built a connection between
you. Relationship failures, financial loss, unemployment, and divorce are
outcomes that follow not making or maintaining connections with people in
life.
Survival and success
are not a matter of luck they belong to those who understand how and what to
communicate. There are self-proclaimed experts out there who would try to
convince you that success is all about positive thinking, visualization,
personal magnetism, or the law of attraction. Those may help but the real
workhorse that powers success is knowledge of how and what to communicate, such
as the authentic communication of certain essential elements described in
chapter seven. Success may indeed be about who and what you know. First you
better be able to do everything involved in your kind of work as good as or
better than anyone else. After that it becomes a matter of connecting with the
people who can give you a break; to buy from you, offer you an opportunity,
give you a promotion with higher pay, or someone who you hope will say yes to your
proposal.
Visualizing what
you want is a great mental exercise but only a starter towards solving
problems. Positive thinking helps a person escape their fears and mask their
worries. Platitudes can help keep your spirits up but they never change
anything in the real world. Attracting to you what or who you want can be very
disappointing, and it is not a practical lifestyle. It works for some people
some of the time but not all of the time for everyone. Authentic communication
is the only reliable means for achieving goals and solving problems.
The first secret is
that most any problem a person ever has in life comes directly from some
communication gone wrong! Communication gets fouled up and a troubled situation
follows as a result. Money issues, relationship difficulties, production
problems, interpersonal failures, family disruptions; nearly any difficulty you
can name can appear only because the correct communication did not happen.
Troubled situations tend to persist until the truth of how it was caused is
found. The beauty of the matter though is that problems solutions are easy to
find because the problem is the result of just type of communication: Either something that should have been said
never was; or, something that should not have been said is exactly what
happened. Owning up to which it is can be difficult.
Seven Simple Steps to Solid Success
Any of these simple methods can immediately increase
your wealth and well-being!
1. Get more authentic with people (with everyone);
2. Admire ~ Tell others things about
them that you like;
3. Appreciate ~ Express and show
gratitude and thanks;
4. Validate ~ Tell which accomplishments
you value and why;
5. Get face-to-face to say important things;
6. Listen fully ~ respond non-defensively; and,
7. Persist until you achieve understanding.
Anyone can use
these simple methods in their personal and professional life and will find they
become wealthier, happier, and healthier! Model those essential elements of
what and how to communicate and you demonstrate communication excellence!
All of us members
of the human race are dependent upon other people with whom we have direct
contact. Whatever you do, wherever you go, no matter what your age, your life
involves coping and dealing with others. In that interdependence we are forced
to form relationships. Not all relationships are worth working at! You choose
which ones are your payoff-relationships; the ones which can sustain or increase
your wealth or well-being. A payoff-relationship is one that gives you a reward
for creating, working at, or salvaging it. The parent enjoying their child’s
learning experience is one type of relationship-payoff. Closing a sale turns a contact
into a payoff-relationship for both the salesperson and the buyer; the sale
enhances survival a bit for each one of them. Marriage and life-partnering is a
payoff-relationship because wives, husbands, partners receive a steady flow of
survival enhancements: food, sex, clothing, and other material and spiritual benefits
and rewards. Employers get new alliances, productivity and profits from
payoff-relationships with employees.
The secret of
communication includes the fact that when it is authentic it can achieve
miracles. There is a wonderful world waiting for those who decide to approach
problems and goals as challenges to be resolved using authentic communication.
Most people have no idea that authentic communication can make problems
dissolve, hostilities fall away, anger disappear; bring prosperity, harmony, as
well as emotional and physical healing. It can turn worry into a lost habit. People
need to know it can do those things, yet most still need to learn how to make and
keep communication authentic!
Although
verbalization may be occurring the fact is that people are not communicating!
What passes as communication is mainly a line of socially acceptable blather,
prattle, chatter, drivel and natter. In the pursuit of acceptance by other
people, and a desire to be popular, adults wear false smiles, utter insincere
greetings, respond with pretended interest, and spread favorite distortions.
The most gregarious personality is usually false, shallow, and completely
self-absorbed. Sweet seemingly kind displays of caring mask hidden resentment,
hostility, and a deep belief all people are enemies. Children copy these adult
pretenses at communicating surrounding them. How does anyone manage to survive
in this world where people do not say what they mean and can hide behind social
machinery?
To tap into the total
power of communication you have to deliver it in person to be sure the other
person really gets the message. Emails, text messages, IM, videos, recorded,
written, printed, or video messages all fail to convey vital elements such as
intention and other qualities that give communication its power.
No one lives in a
cocoon or on an island; we are inter-dependent upon each other. Every
connection with another person is a relationship, no matter how brief or
temporary. To connect with others we communicate. Some occupations are
obviously tied to how well and how much the employee communicates, like sales.
Sales people can’t support themselves or their families unless they connect and
communicate with an adequate number of prospective buyers. With other occupations
it can be harder to see how their communication ability controls their income –
but it does!
See someone across
the room or street that you wish you could spend the evening with? To connect
you must communicate. You don’t need a line or a pitch; you need only to be
authentic! That doesn’t always mean you have to use words; a look, nod, touch,
hair flip, or other ploy can work to get their attention. Then sooner or later
you must speak, and what you say will make or break the connection! Some people
have scripted lines to say in an effort to communicate, which rarely works
because social-pretense always fails to connect. That includes the pasted on
smile, head-turns, glancing away, and all the rest of social machinery that is
pre-programmed behavior. You really being there will connect because it is you
being authentic!
Image is all about how
you look, what you are driving, what you are wearing; your clothes, shoes and
the watch on your wrist. Style is optional; those things help only if you communicate
with excellence! How and what you communicate today will show up in your
tomorrow as prosperity, loss or poverty. Here are the simple methods that allow
you to easily cope with all kinds of people in life. Success comes with being
absolutely authentic; it attracts people to trust and support you. That and a
clear focus on communicating the three essential elements, Admiration, Appreciation,
and Validation
will get you winning more than you imagined! Success goes to those who don’t
rely on social machinery and mental circuits that automatically greet, respond
and converse like a pricey computer game!
o Knowing how and what to communicate is what
makes connection happen. A relationship can get as stale as a month old
loaf of bread and when that happens people stop communicating; the connection
drops, and soon they are no longer enjoying each other the way they used to do.
It can take imagination to keep the communication going; try sorting out what
questions you can ask to learn more about the other person. My wife and I were
married almost twenty-three years but I still hadn’t learned everything there
was to know about her, or to tell her everything about me. Be curious about
where a person has been, what they did, what life was like for them back then; it’s
virtually impossible to run out of things to talk about. As they describe parts of their life you
hadn’t heard yet, you discover new things and new reasons to enjoy them.
Communication is
fun! Sometimes it is silly. People get very good at the games of making
something out of nothing or making nothing out of something. When he says, “You
are not going to wear that rag are you?” he is making nothing out of something.
When she says, “You should always know
how much we owe the electric company!” she is making something out of
nothing.
All activity begins
with an idea, but where do ideas come from? They come from an area beyond the
heavens, beyond the physical universe, that place which consists of absolutely
nothing. Communication is not a physical universe element; it belongs to the
realm of that which created all things. Concert pianist Daniel Barenboim, the
legendary music icon, refers to it in his master class as the place artists
must go to be great. Even equipment operators demonstrate it by how smoothly they
control a machine.
Men and women like
to communicate but prefer exchanging ideas about different interests and
things. Women are all about color, style, and odor. Men are all about shape,
sound, and sensation. A woman chooses her wardrobe, interior décor, and table
setting mainly by color and style. She is entranced by perfume, good smelling
lotion or powder, and would use any product on her body that smells good. She
is repulsed and repelled by bad smelling restaurants, houses, stinky people,
scuffed-up shoes, torn clothing, and mangled or paint-bare cars.
Men are all about
shapes, sounds and sensations. A man loves a car because of its design (shape),
is attracted to a woman because of her looks (shape), and chooses or likes a
house because of its layout (shape). Men enjoy sounds: engines, power tools, and birds and other
animals in the woods or wilderness. Men favor certain musicians because of
their signature sounds. Any man can be turned into a fool instantly by certain
sensations given or received: smell, taste, or touch. Often men make fools out
of themselves by studying the shape of physical anatomy passing by them. A
couple, standing next to each other gazing at the scenery will agree they love
the view. She will comment on the brilliant colors of the autumn leaves. He
will be thinking how the distant mountains look like a woman’s breasts. I love taking lunch at a table under the sky
on a dock or pier, next to the water, with the waterfront noises and all the
while soaking up warmth from the sunshine. The one thing both sexes seem to share
is an appreciation for good food cooked expertly. Perhaps there are other
things they share as well?
When is a
relationship over? No relationship ends on its own, you are the source of its
life; it’s over the instant you stop creating it. Relationships are a form of
game: the players have the choice of continuing or deciding to do something
else. The moment one’s attention no longer includes the other person, the
relationship is either suspended or ended! Putting a relationship on hold in
order to do other things is a necessity; however, perpetually doing other
things signals the end of the relationship. Relationships require that each
person manufacture the time to continue them.
Communication is
the only solvent for relationship problems; personal, marital, family, work,
civic, or between nations. Anyone willing to exchange communication with good
intent, sufficient energy, and adequate persistence can arrive at agreements
that settle any dispute, resolve any conflict, and restore the respect between
people. Things may not always work out
just because you communicate; there is no chance they will if you don’t!
Advice from a
counselor cannot save a marriage; truthful communications between tolerant,
accepting, forgiving, marriage partners can save a marriage, however, it takes
a trained counselor to know which communications the couple needs to exchange,
and to coach them to do that properly. Pre-marital counseling can solve serious
issues before they become extreme relationship problems.
The basic reason half
of all new businesses fail within five years is because they do not put enough
emphasis on what and how they communicate to and with their public. Often they
have a product or service the public does not need or want at the price the
business must charge. Other young businesses don’t make the money they need
because they are not reaching the segment of the public who will buy their
product or service or aren’t putting out the correct message. There is a buyer
for everything, assuming what is being sold has fundamental quality and value.
A whistle that looks like a whistle but doesn’t work is never going to be
bought by anyone. Neither will a whistle that works but makes an annoying sound.
Make communication
your weapon-of-choice; it’s the best weapon you can ever have, offensively or
defensively! Communication is under-appreciated,
under-utilized, under-applied, and its power is misunderstood! Communication is under-exploited as a
means for dissolving problems, penetrating difficulties, and mastering the
attainment of worthwhile goals.
Tony and Judy were
counseling clients who lived in Loudenville, New York, an affluent suburb of Albany.
They asked me to give some time to their teenage son who was struggling with
his academic classes in grade school and had been doing so poorly they were
afraid he was going to fail year after year. The young man walked around with
his face dragging as low as his grades. After just a half dozen short sessions
with their son he was suddenly on top of his studies and his whole attitude was
better, and it continued at that level. The power of communication is
unbelievable! I met with him and did no more than show sincere interest in the
subjects he was studying. I got him to explain in detail what the class was
doing in each subject at that time. I gave him Admiration on things he
deserved it for, and I validated the
intelligence and resourcefulness he displayed while talking with me. My expressions
of Appreciation
for the efforts he was really making lifted his spirits and he began solving
problems that previously had baffled him! That’s how authentic communication
works. To help someone only requires that you really have an interest in the
person, be willing to do what you can to help them, and then show them sincere
and genuine Appreciation, Admiration, and Validation. These are
covered in detail in chapters seven through ten. It can take more than one
discussion, but often that simple action will prove enough to turn a person from
despair to hope, or replace thoughts of suicide with feelings of value. Advice,
opinions, or threats are not therapy, nor is psychotropic drugs. Make the
person cognizant of their strengths using the three vital relationship elements
(Appreciation,
Admiration
and Validation).
As described later in this book, those create magical changes, and can
revitalize a person, marriage, company, or nation.
Feel like life owes you a break? The way to
get it to give you one is to communicate! Communication is the secret that
exists unseen in plain sight. Luck comes to those who communicate. Anyone who
will communicate can get themselves out of poverty. Communication makes life
beautiful! The person with the better life has better communication skills. Your
willingness and ability to communicate is the sole, direct, and determining
step, to personal success in relationships and lasting prosperity. Your future
will be the result of how well you communicate. No other human skill or ability
even comes close to accomplishing the fantastic things that communication does.
Skilled communication will resolve problems. Solving problems with
communication eliminates stress and creates prosperity, peace of mind and better
health. Communication helps healing and is the best means for eliminating or preventing
stress and creating harmony. The truth of the amazing power of communication
seems unknown, a secret.
How many divorces
would never have happened if one or both people had communicated better? How
many career advancements will never happen because the employer decided the
person lacks communication skills? How many children would not flunk a grade or
drop out of school, if their teacher’s could communicate better? How many times
have nations gone to war because one or both leaders lacked the ability to communicate
well enough? Good leaders are good communicators. Becoming a good communicator
will make the person a good leader.
The secret of
communication is that disasters happen when the people involved are unaware of
how and what to communicate. Persistence can replace skill, preventing even the
worst outcome. Even an unskilled communicator will succeed if he or she
communicates long enough and thoroughly enough.
Marriage is a partnership;
it requires collaboration which in any instance can be difficult. Where does
one find training or classes in communication for marriage? Who knows how to do
it well enough to teach it successfully?
One of the secrets
of communication is that success in any area of life comes with being a good
communicator. Communication is the prime agent of durable change. It is the
basis of all survival, social and commercial. It is how we exchange previously
unknown information or truth. The common belief that you are communicating when
you are chatting with friends, making conversation at parties, or getting
on-going counseling, is misleading. The society of mankind needs to realize and
respect the fact that communication is a precise comprehensive tool for making
a successful life. Kids leave home knowing more about electronics than how or
what to communicate. That’s not right! Anyone can prevent ruin and create a
lasting success in their career, marriage, or family when they know how and
what to communicate, even if they use that knowledge amateurishly.
There are communication techniques that help patients receive the full benefit of antibiotic medications; techniques for preventing shock, and others that can shorten recovery times from broken bones. The origin of communication is “thought” which is not a physical universe phenomenon; nor is it a measurable element or property. The entire world depends upon communication to drive its economies and its political, religious, and educational systems. Without communication there would be no society. How strange that as a society we spend so little time or money on researching and teaching the subject that we are so terribly dependent upon!
Children get the wrong idea about what adulthood is all about when grownups ask what they want to be when they grow up. Actors are the only ones who can earn a living by “being”. The majority of people in the world offer their skills to an employer in exchange for a paycheck. Survival comes by getting things done that an employer or customer needs doing. Every job has an end-result; a product which is valuable. Most things we do fit into a larger picture to form a final product, but every sub-product is complete within itself. Individuals survive by using certain skills to achieve a job-specific result, a product or sub-product. One of the most helpful things to do with a child is to ask them, “What do you want to do when you grow up?” Success is a matter of getting a very clear idea of what the employer wants produced, the result they expect to get, and then doing exactly that as swiftly as possible. Success comes from doing; when you are doing something, you are engaged communicating.
Communication is as essential to living as breathing. Most people can go without air for only three minutes, or without water for up to a few days, and most of us can go for up to a few weeks or longer without food. How long can you be comfortable going without communication? Studies show that extended periods of isolation from human contact produces delirium, delusions, and eventually results in insanity. Communication is not something we do for the fun of it. It is not a simple amusement we pursue like some hobby or do for recreation on a Sunday afternoon. Authentic communication is how we survive! But that is no secret.
The lack of open communication may cause extinction of the human species. The absence of open communication between people and nations is the greatest threat we face as a species. Terrorist acts, biological warfare and nuclear holocaust are possible only when there is a lack of communication. The information not passed, the data not sent, the false statements and colored facts are ruining our lives. How many of the world’s problems are the result of no communication, insufficient communication, or communication gone wrong? Global warming, terrorist attacks, the threat of economic collapse, rape of the rain forests, genocide, and armed schoolyard bullies are failures to communicate. Many undesirable, unwanted, problem situations exist today because the people involved have decided they did all they can when in fact if they had been aware and willing to use communication more none of that strife would be in their life. Communication is the technology that lets anyone overcome barriers and accomplish goals. Communication can stop things from getting worse and bring hope for a better life.
The personal productivity of a person has a huge influence on his or her health and wealth. Your annual earnings are your FGP (Fiscal Gross Product). My father believed he should put money aside in an “emergency” fund and sure enough our family always had emergencies. Your solvency depends on keeping monthly expenses well below income to set aside for gifting, holidays and retirement. During our marriage, my wife and I invested in a walnut orchard instead of an IRA or other retirement fund, and we also set aside money in savings for holidays. We used the savings to buy gifts and take vacations. Our favorite go-to-relax spot became Marina Cay in the British Virgin Islands and the Pussers stores on Tortola. We loved it much more than Hawaii for climate, beauty, safety, solitude and good food.
The economy rules the world and history shows those who are better communicators rule the economy. Their reward is they get to enjoy the best of life. The ability to communicate is number one of all survival skills! We live in a world that has not made it a priority to teach or preach communication skills or their vital role in living life. The ability to communicate well requires a mastery of several separate skills, well beyond reading, writing, and vocabulary. Individual communication ability starts with vocabulary, but a person can be intelligent, educated, and bright and have underdeveloped communication skills. To them life and living becomes an overwhelming mystery. Successful communication requires an almost guerilla-like capability to cope with a wide variety of personalities and their spectrum of human emotions arising in a diverse number of situations. The ability to communicate goes further and deeper than basic or even super literacy. Children and adults who can read and write are able to lift themselves out of poverty. Developing an expanded vocabulary and grasp of grammar elevates you to yet another level. But every individual also deserves to learn how to use communication to make their life all it can become. To whatever degree a person is unaware of how to use communication that person will have unnecessary suffering.
Part of the secret of communication is that the potential effects of communication are not fully understood. Its power is not exploited widely, and is under-appreciated by those who make the world turn: the entrepreneurs, parents, teachers, and clergy.
o When you communicate authentically good things happen! Although we cannot always see the effects of our words and gestures or what is going on in people’s minds, how and what you communicate makes a difference in what they think and feel. When you focus past the eyeballs of your listeners and impinge upon the very soul of the people you have contact with there is no doubt you are making a difference in people’s lives!
Without meeting and interviewing you I cannot say specifically which communications are the ones you need to be do to get your life, finances, or health into a better condition. I do know that if you intend to change things for the better and leave unwanted conditions behind, pursuing communication excellence can do that for you. I guarantee that no matter how bad a circumstance you find yourself in that by applying the laws of communication in your life things will get better rather quickly.
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About the Author: N. R. Brown RSS for N. R.'s articles - Visit N. R.'s website Click here to visit N. R.'s website   Great Public Speakers Dont Talk to Groups Chapter 1 from The Secret of Communication Chapter 2 from The Secret of Communication What Is The Secret |
Related Forum Posts
Victoria's Secret - Too Sexy?
- This will be upsetting for some men. I just heard a report about Victoria's Secret and it was interesting. Their sales were down drastically in the 4th quarter of 2007 and the report was about how they are thinking the company has gotten too far away from the heritage that made it the blockbuster company it is. They are thinking the ads etc have become too sexy and the plan (at the moment) is to make the ads more sophisticated. That would be like the Super Bowl commercial which was very tasteful, but very different from any Victoria's Secret I've seen lately.
Who do you all think the current sexy ads are targeting? I think its the men that they hope will buy these items for their female significant others. I hate to give Omarosa any kudos - but most women aren't "sold" on an item by an ad of a near naked sexy woman.
Shri
Re: Success
- I study success intently, and would like to share:
Here's two excellent and nearly identical success-formulas from a couple of the world's masters.
FIRST FORMULA:
1. Passionate Desire
2. Clear, Definite Purpose
3. Committed Decision
4. Take Action In Faith
(Bonus Secret Sauce: 5. Repeat Consistently)
I made a video about this, but am not allowed to link it yet. Google "Ryze Success Steps" for it.
Oh, and this is Napoleon Hill's (Master Of Success Laws)'s Formula.
SECOND FORMULA:
1. Passionate Desire
2. Understand It Is Already Done (Faith)
3. Relax & Allow It To Unfold (Go about your life calmly)
This one is courtesy of Abraham-Hicks (inspiration for the movie The Secret).
Hope that helps!
The Secret
- Hi Binary Guy - The Secret certainly has been getting a lot of attention and promotion by the likes of Oprah.
What have your experiences been with the program?
Social media
- which is more effective social media networking; Facebook or twitter?
follow me at My Secret Staff
cathy
secretstaff05
Re: Web Business Podcast is LIVE! :)
- Hi David - have you thought of making these into videos? Even if it doesn't have you live on screen?
Remembering the Success Secret Keywords would be a lot easier if we could see them.
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