Seven Steps to a Drama-Free Office

Step 1: Get Out of Your Own Drama

One of the most difficult challenges for aspiring leaders is to “own their stuff”—to acknowledge that they are equally responsible for relationship shortcomings. So, before you can guide others, you must take inventory of both your interaction strengths and the ways you sabotage relationships. The strength inventory is usually easy. The sabotage inventory is more difficult. It requires the vulnerability and courage to seek others’ candid observations and advice about your behavior. To find out your own drama tendencies, you can use self-reflection, ask your colleagues, or find an assessment of these behaviors. You can only help others when you are curious yourself. Take a deep breath, get re-centered and get out of your own way.

Step 2: Diagnose the Type of Drama in the Other Person

Once you are committed to authenticity and curiosity yourself, you can determine what kind of drama the other person is displaying. There are four primary drama roles that emerge most frequently in office settings: the Complainer, the Controller, the Cynic and the Caretaker. If you’ve ever tried to apply a single coaching strategy across your organization, you know that different strategies work for different personality types. Notice the kind of person you’re dealing with. Will they respond more to direct confrontation and setting boundaries (better for Controllers and Cynics) to appreciation and encouragement (better for Caretakers and Complainers)? Knowing who you’re dealing with and tailoring your approach will maximize your success.

Step 3: Assess The Risk Of Confronting The Other Person

Before meeting with drama-prone colleagues, you must identify and evaluate the potential downsides of doing so. Without objectively assessing these risks, you might be tempted to either accept a dysfunctional relationship you could have salvaged or make a misstep you could have avoided. So, before launching into a direct conversation with your boss or a team member, consider the possible side effects and whether you’re willing to face them.

Step 4: Develop Rapport with the Drama-Prone Person

It’s important to establish rapport with the other person so he is best prepared to receive your message. Try opening with a blend of connection, appreciation, ground rules, and expectations. Your goal is to get the person’s full attention and to set him up to be receptive to your ideas. People prefer to collaborate with those they know and like, so this step is powerful in setting the tone for the rest of the conversation.

Step 5: Have a Direct Conversation

While an entire article could be written about direct conversations, what’s most important is to be able to describe what happened factually, the derived meaning and emotions that arose, how you contributed to the situation (why it’s your fault, too), and to end with a specific request. Usually these conversations end with an agreement about what will happen next to make sure the drama ends.

While this sounds simple, each component outlined above is worth practicing and mastering so that the entire conversation flows smoothly. For instance, it’s very easy to mix facts and derived meaning. People often say, “The facts are, you are being difficult.” When, in fact, the level of cooperation or difficulty of an individual is derived meaning or perception. One person may consider challenging an idea as difficult behavior and another might appreciate it as a commitment to improvement.

Step 6: Get Their Commitment

The last step of the direct conversation in Step 5 is your specific requests or expectations of the person. A commitment to realize these expectations without excuses, sarcasm, self-pity, or martyrdom is often difficult to obtain from drama-prone people. They’ll dance around the expectation or rephrase it in vague terms. These deflection or evasion tactics are a self-protection mechanism that helps the dramatic person avoid both change and accountability. Don’t get hooked. Reiterate both your specific expectations and your need for the drama-prone person’s commitment to meet them. If she continues to resist or deflect, be prepared to calmly lay out an ultimatum, including specific rewards or consequences.

Step 7: Validate And Anchor Their Commitment And New Behavior

Praise the person for his positive behaviors during your meeting, and honor the commitments he made. Follow up with a short note or e-mail confirming and affirming the person’s commitment. Ideally, ask them to create a summary of your meeting that includes their specific agreements. People live up to what they write down.

Once you’ve done these seven steps, you have done the hard work. Now you can redirect your energy toward the collaborative, meaningful projects that you enjoy doing and work in an office free from Drama.

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