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Get Strong by Getting Vulnerable

Written by: Keith Ferrazzi

Article Overview: Recently I wrote about how trusted advisors can - should, must! - be on hand if you want to achieve your wildest dreams. But how do you take friends and relationships that may have so far been superficial - "my work's great, just great, but more importantly, how's that new skinny latte?" - and turn them into true compatriots who will not just support you but help you course-correct when you need it?

Get Strong by Getting Vulnerable

Recently I wrote about how trusted advisors can - should, must! - be on hand if you want to achieve your wildest dreams.

But how do you take friends and relationships that may have so far been superficial - "my work's great, just great, but more importantly, how's that new skinny latte?" - and turn them into true compatriots who will not just support you but help you course-correct when you need it?

First and foremost, you need to really know and understand each other. "Really know someone" might sound vague, but it's not. You know it when it happens. And the way you get there isn't vague at all: You need to take some risks. I don't mean saving someone from a burning building - I'm talking emotional risks. Getting outside your comfort zone. I'm talking about vulnerability, a word some people practically like to whisper so it won't get them.

Hear me out: You need to be vulnerable. Vulnerability means opening yourself up to someone else, and acknowledging that you need help. It does you no good if you gloss the situation. That's like lying to your therapist! What's the point?

I held back information about myself for years. Ever since I was a kid, I projected an image of being completely together. I was the guy who always did well in school, pleased his parents, sprinted the last mile up the hill, ran for office, led the company, dominated the conference. And it worked--in the sense that people really believed I was the Man of Steel. But the trouble with being Superman is, who offers a superhero help? Nobody!

But man did I need help, with my business goals, my behaviors, and my relationships. Suddenly I realized that while I had become an expert at connecting with other people to build business networks, I hadn't gone deep enough with anyone to cultivate trusted advisors. It was time to shed my red cape and get vulnerable.

Unfortunately, people who dump their baggage on others without "permission" have given vulnerability its bad name. For years, behavioral scientists noticed that people who regularly expressed negative emotions tended to be less likable and less social. Big surprise, nobody likes a whiner. But a 2008 report funded by the National Science Foundation and the National Institute of Mental Health suggests there are strong positive feelings associated with people who express negative emotions in an appropriate manner. The research team, led by Steven Graham of Florida State University, cited four studies to support their conclusion that expressing negative emotions "within the context of a communal or potential communal relationship...provides partners with information about one's needs, thereby helping the partner respond in an appropriate and caring manner."

In other words, vulnerability that's part of an evolving relationship of trusted mutual advisors leads to positive results. To work your way up to appropriate vulnerability, start slow, by sharing your passions and interests with someone else. Then move up to sharing hopes and dreams, and finally your struggles and fears. Also remember, this is a two way street - you need to find someone who wants to share back. Not everyone will be ready. Pay attention to others' feelings and go slow. (In my book, we'll be going much further with the "how to"s of embracing vulnerability.)

Is vulnerability already a behavior you practice with good results? Or maybe you've read the above and thought, "Vulnerable? Me? Never." Let's talk about it in the blog comments, or shoot me an email. If you're game, it's possible I'll include your story in my next book.

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Article Tags: business goals, business networks, comfort zone, compatriots, emotional risks, latte, man of steel, parents, red cape, relationships, superman, vulnerability, wildest dreams



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