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Guest post by: Keith Ferrazzi Become an Author

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I’ve been asked many times, “How do I build a relationship with a person I just don’t like?” And typically, we’re talking about the workplace – a customer or boss or associate. My answer is usually, “Not everyone is going to be your best friend, but if you’re forced to deal with a person, why not make the relationship more personal and real? Wouldn’t you want a better relationship for the sake of success, mutuality, and most importantly, less angst and more joy?”

I found myself in a position to have to take my own advice recently when I was playing polo. A new individual was introduced to the group and I was pretty quickly put-off. This individual seemed to me to be untruthful and inauthentic. And when I come across someone like that, I have to assume that this is an insecure person who’s threatened by others and is pushing people away so he won’t be hurt.

So how do I deal with that? A friend once told me that he actually responds by doing the opposite of what his instant reaction is. So if his reaction is to push back and be defensive, he would try to be positive and very affirming. When you’re confronted with difficult individuals, your job is to create a safe space for them as best you can because they’re just looking for safety and comfort in their lives.

But that’s not what I did – I was tweaked and annoyed. We all need our own accountability group; the people around us have to hold us accountable for a level of behavior that we choose and want to have in this world. I was lucky enough to have a member of my accountability group present who called me on my behavior. I needed to look at why I was tweaked by this person on a visceral level. Chances are, when this happens, it’s because you own some of that behavior yourself. I suspect I was reminded of behaviors in myself that I’m not particularly proud of.

So my own personal work is to focus more on contribution and generosity and not allow myself to be tweaked. Let’s see how I do in making this new individual feel safer and more welcome into a relationship with me.

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