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The Secret to Finding the Three People Who Will Change Your Life

Written by: Keith Ferrazzi

Article Overview: That’s the crux of the Who’s Got Your Back message, the vital need for a handful of deep, trusting relationships with people mutually invested in your success. Now: How to find them?

The Secret to Finding the Three People Who Will Change Your Life

That's the crux of the Who's Got Your Back message, the vital need for a handful of deep, trusting relationships with people mutually invested in your success. Now: How to find them?

Often, you don't need to - these people are already in your life. You just have to make a choice to take the relationship deeper than you have in the past - you have to invite them in.

One of the best ways I know of doing that is what I call the "long slow dinner," introduced to me by one of the all-time great bosses, Greg "The Hammer" Seal at Deloitte. The Long Slow Dinner isn't about "wining and dining" someone. It's about getting to know someone in the right environment. You don't even have to go out to a restaurant at all-especially given that you may be meeting over time with a number of people you are thinking of as potential lifeline relationships. Its main purpose is simply to get people out from behind their defenses, those concentric circles of desks, cubicles, office doors, home offices, living rooms, phones, and computers, that close off people at work and at home.

People at their desks are effectively locked in a cocoon of established behavior. You want to get them away from that. At work, the open floor plans that are so popular nowadays actually frustrate genuine relationships. The no-walls office style is meant to engender efficiency and openness while breaking down rigid hierarchies-and in some ways it does. But I've seen it also prevent open communication for fear of who may be listening; it makes some people cling to their desks like life rafts, as the last refuges of safety and solitude.

Try this instead: Invite someone out for a cup of coffee or tea. Sometimes I'll use the couch in the reception area of a company, since it's typically the quietest, least used space around. Better still is breakfast or lunch outside the office or home. Early or midday meals can be challenging because time boxes you in, but at least they get you away from the physical distractions and clatter of the office.

The long slow dinner, in short, can take place anywhere the two of you both feel safe. Your job during the dinner is, first and foremost, to get to know the other person better - gradually traveling up the intimacy pyramid with them. (The "Eight Steps to Instant Intimacy" are in the Greenlight Group Launch Kit with your purchase of Who's Got Your Back, one of the free resources available at keithferrazzi.com.)

If your candidate already knows you well, the long, slow dinner is also a time to check out his "candor quotient": Is this someone who can be honest with you about what you need to change to improve? Trying asking, "I'd love to hear if you think there is anything that would benefit me to know that holds me back?" Invite him to take a risk with you, and see what happens.

Warmest,

Keith

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Article Tags: cocoon, concentric circles, crux, cup of coffee, deloitte, desks, genuine relationships, handful, hierarchies, life rafts, lifeline, midday, office doors, open communication, open floor plans, openness, reception area, refuges, solitude, trusting relationships



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