If Your Home Page Could Only Talk
If Your Home Page Could Only Talk
I can’t tell you how glad I am that you found my website. You have no idea the great lengths we’ve gone to get you here, let alone what we’re about to do to keep you on this web site.
First, let me say, I have no idea who you are, or why you came, but believe me when I say, I built my site just for you. My company and products are the best there is to offer. You can find everything you need to know about me in my About Us page (it says “us”, but there is only me, really. It’s all about impressions you know?). I removed my address because Google Autolink will give you a map to my place and, like I said earlier, I have no idea who you are.
Contacting me is easy. Just fill out the form when you find it. When you find the privacy policy, please take an hour to read that. Basically it says I don’t have time to record your data and don’t care who you are. I’m only interested in selling you something that has my company name on it.
Speaking of which, did you find my site in search engines by using my company name? Being new to the web, I figured I had to do some things to grab your attention. I’m so sorry the “blinds” you searched for led you to my sunglasses page. While you’re here, can I interest you in my e-book about ostrich feather arrangements?
The product catalog is to the left of that big fat image on the right of the homepage that’s distracting you. Above the two global navigation schemes in the top header is your login area. To register, you need to first give me your phone number so I can call you at 3am and tell you about my specials. I put the search box at the bottom of the page, so you can find things quickly. The sitemap needs to be updated, sorry. We put it there for search engines to crawl and then forgot we had it. Since we’re not sure how you like to find our products, we figured we’d put a link to what we think are the most popular items in the left navigation. Unfortunately there’s an endless need to scroll. We couldn’t decide what you’re favorites are, so we put everything there, just to be safe.
A word to those who use screen readers. We heard that getting to the top of search engines is a nightmare and were advised to put in hidden keywords in the text, behind images, and repeat our keywords in the content. I wouldn’t advise turning on your screen reader, as it will say a lot of words over and over again and drive you crazy. We’re sorry for the inconvenience and the loss of your sale. But, we were guaranteed the number one spot by that SEO Company, and by golly, you found us didn’t you!
We know you want to know everything about our products and that you use different browsers. We know you like to control your experience and totally understand your right to do so. Therefore, we made a popup window for each product that allows you to zoom in, enlarge or shrink the image, rotate the product and imagine it on your girlfriend’s body. For the convenience of those with their pop up windows turned off, please use the link that says “Relax, this is not a popup window” so you may view and rotate to your heart’s content in a new window.
For those who hate new windows, we offer a FLASH demo, but you’ll need the plug in. For those who hate plug ins, we put in a link to one static, basic product picture, with the “Add to cart” button next to it, because, dear one, you cause us the least amount of hassle and we really appreciate that.
Some of our pages may look weird. This is because they’re separate landing pages. We removed the template and navigation you’re used to seeing on every page and replaced it with a story about our trip to Manchu Picchu, with a link to our homepage, and catalog. We know it’s strange but the conversions people told us to have landing pages. And besides, you should have seen it when we had 350,000 doorway pages to the site.
We get lots of requests for links to our site. If you came to us because you wanted our PR score to make yours look good, we’re just so tickled about this. We worked quite hard for our PR 3 and are more than happy to sell, or lease, a link to you for 300 US dollars paid in advance via PayPal.
While you’re here, we invite you to visit our links pages. We know the sites we thoughtfully linked to have a lot to do with the subject of our site, and the ones that aren’t, well; they sent us such sweet emails about how they visited our site and loved it. How could we possibly resist such a nice gesture like that?
Our products are great, like I said earlier. If you want to see if I’m telling the truth, just read the many testimonials we provided throughout the site. You know, the ones with the comment and the handy unlinked, unidentifiable initials next to them. We value your trust.
Please note that we prefer you ignore the broken links and the copyright year of 2001 in our footer. We haven’t bothered to maintain our site in years, but we hated like hell to lose our great rank.
The newsletter sign-up isn’t really an underhanded way to spam you later. We’re just not skilled enough to put up an example copy or archives of the older ones we sent out a few years ago.
Like I said, I don’t know who you are or what you want, so I decided to put all kinds of fun things up on my site. The web ring, guestbook, links directory to links pages that lead to links pages, email to friend, Google Ads, banner ads, animated spinning things, RSS feed, blog, directions to my cousin’s house (he doesn’t mind surprise visitors), picture of my dog (I link to that from my profile on the dating sites I belong to), vacation pics and logos I had to put on my site so that people wouldn’t remove my site from theirs – all this is hopefully something you might like.
I know I do.
Thanks again for visiting my web site. It’s fun to watch my traffic stats to see where you came in from and where you left. I’ll even give you a hint about one thing, just to show how customer oriented I am. Don’t bother to buy anything. The shopping cart stopped functioning months ago.
If Your Home Page Could Only Talk - To learn more about this author, visit Kim Krause Berg's Website.
Like this article? Share it with your friends
Dear web site visitor.
I can’t tell you how glad I am that you found my website. You have no idea the great lengths we’ve gone to get you here, let alone what we’re about to do to keep you on this web site.
First, let me say, I have no idea who you are, or why you came, but believe me when I say, I built my site just for you. My company and products are the best there is to offer. You can find everything you need to know about me in my About Us page (it says “us”, but there is only me, really. It’s all about impressions you know?). I removed my address because Google Autolink will give you a map to my place and, like I said earlier, I have no idea who you are.
Contacting me is easy. Just fill out the form when you find it. When you find the privacy policy, please take an hour to read that. Basically it says I don’t have time to record your data and don’t care who you are. I’m only interested in selling you something that has my company name on it.
Speaking of which, did you find my site in search engines by using my company name? Being new to the web, I figured I had to do some things to grab your attention. I’m so sorry the “blinds” you searched for led you to my sunglasses page. While you’re here, can I interest you in my e-book about ostrich feather arrangements?
The product catalog is to the left of that big fat image on the right of the homepage that’s distracting you. Above the two global navigation schemes in the top header is your login area. To register, you need to first give me your phone number so I can call you at 3am and tell you about my specials. I put the search box at the bottom of the page, so you can find things quickly. The sitemap needs to be updated, sorry. We put it there for search engines to crawl and then forgot we had it. Since we’re not sure how you like to find our products, we figured we’d put a link to what we think are the most popular items in the left navigation. Unfortunately there’s an endless need to scroll. We couldn’t decide what you’re favorites are, so we put everything there, just to be safe.
A word to those who use screen readers. We heard that getting to the top of search engines is a nightmare and were advised to put in hidden keywords in the text, behind images, and repeat our keywords in the content. I wouldn’t advise turning on your screen reader, as it will say a lot of words over and over again and drive you crazy. We’re sorry for the inconvenience and the loss of your sale. But, we were guaranteed the number one spot by that SEO Company, and by golly, you found us didn’t you!
We know you want to know everything about our products and that you use different browsers. We know you like to control your experience and totally understand your right to do so. Therefore, we made a popup window for each product that allows you to zoom in, enlarge or shrink the image, rotate the product and imagine it on your girlfriend’s body. For the convenience of those with their pop up windows turned off, please use the link that says “Relax, this is not a popup window” so you may view and rotate to your heart’s content in a new window.
For those who hate new windows, we offer a FLASH demo, but you’ll need the plug in. For those who hate plug ins, we put in a link to one static, basic product picture, with the “Add to cart” button next to it, because, dear one, you cause us the least amount of hassle and we really appreciate that.
Some of our pages may look weird. This is because they’re separate landing pages. We removed the template and navigation you’re used to seeing on every page and replaced it with a story about our trip to Manchu Picchu, with a link to our homepage, and catalog. We know it’s strange but the conversions people told us to have landing pages. And besides, you should have seen it when we had 350,000 doorway pages to the site.
We get lots of requests for links to our site. If you came to us because you wanted our PR score to make yours look good, we’re just so tickled about this. We worked quite hard for our PR 3 and are more than happy to sell, or lease, a link to you for 300 US dollars paid in advance via PayPal.
While you’re here, we invite you to visit our links pages. We know the sites we thoughtfully linked to have a lot to do with the subject of our site, and the ones that aren’t, well; they sent us such sweet emails about how they visited our site and loved it. How could we possibly resist such a nice gesture like that?
Our products are great, like I said earlier. If you want to see if I’m telling the truth, just read the many testimonials we provided throughout the site. You know, the ones with the comment and the handy unlinked, unidentifiable initials next to them. We value your trust.
Please note that we prefer you ignore the broken links and the copyright year of 2001 in our footer. We haven’t bothered to maintain our site in years, but we hated like hell to lose our great rank.
The newsletter sign-up isn’t really an underhanded way to spam you later. We’re just not skilled enough to put up an example copy or archives of the older ones we sent out a few years ago.
Like I said, I don’t know who you are or what you want, so I decided to put all kinds of fun things up on my site. The web ring, guestbook, links directory to links pages that lead to links pages, email to friend, Google Ads, banner ads, animated spinning things, RSS feed, blog, directions to my cousin’s house (he doesn’t mind surprise visitors), picture of my dog (I link to that from my profile on the dating sites I belong to), vacation pics and logos I had to put on my site so that people wouldn’t remove my site from theirs – all this is hopefully something you might like.
I know I do.
Thanks again for visiting my web site. It’s fun to watch my traffic stats to see where you came in from and where you left. I’ll even give you a hint about one thing, just to show how customer oriented I am. Don’t bother to buy anything. The shopping cart stopped functioning months ago.
If Your Home Page Could Only Talk - To learn more about this author, visit Kim Krause Berg's Website.
Like this article? Share it with your friends
 | |
 |
No article feedback found. |
| |
Leave Your Feedback |
 | |
| |||
Staging DivaDebra Gould, aka The Staging Diva®, is President of Six Elements Inc., an internationally recognized home staging company. Inspired by many requests from aspiring home stagers wanting to start similar businesses, Gould created the Staging Diva Home Staging Business Training Program. Gould has trained over 1000 Staging Diva Graduates worldwide to start staging businesses. Buying decorating and selling six of her own homes in four years lead to an interest in real estate staging which she turned into a career with the launch of sixelements.com in 2002. Since then she has staged hundreds of homes in addition to teaching home staging training. Gould is the author of several home staging resources including a series of popular ebooks made up of a Design Guide, Color Guide and Portfolio Guide. For more information about Debra Gould visit stagingdiva.com. - Visit Staging Diva's Website |
|||
John PowerJohn Power, founder of Biltmore Franchise Consulting, has extensive experience developing and marketing franchises and business opportunities. He has been in and around franchising for over twenty years. From 1980 through 1990 he conceptualized, organized, and developed the American Video Association. He grew AVA to 2,000 national members, before selling the company it 1990. It was later merged into another home video marketing company. From 2000 to 2005 he worked as a contract marketing and human resources consultant to several local and national companies. In 2005 Mr. Power began working as a franchise development consultant on a full-time basis. Since that time he has helped more than three dozen companies initiate and develop their franchising program. He notes that there are many companies interested in developing a franchise program, and who need his specialized assistance. Mr. Power is a “hands-on” franchise consultant. He said, “I am the ‘nuts and bolts’ person who tends to the details for my clients.” Mr. Power holds a B.S. degree with a major in Marketing. See: www.biltmorefranchise.com You may contact Mr. Power at: jpower@biltmorefranchise.co - Visit John Power's Website |
|||
Stephanie RobeyStephanie Robey is President and CoFounder of Pivot Positive, LLC - an Internet marketing business focused on helping people start work at home ventures. Previously, she was employed at The Search Agency with over 20 years experience in graphic design and 10 years experience in online marketing. She was responsible for launching the Conversion Path Optimization (CPO) unit where she and her team have conducted hundreds of optimization tests for online companies across multiple verticals. She is a successful entrepreneur having started and sold 2 companies and remains on the board of directors of the third, PhotoSpin.com Stephanie began her career in the direct marketing realm creating and producing direct mail for many of the major cable television companies and directly attributes her understanding of Internet marketing to those early offline experiences. Stephanie is a graduate of San Diego State University with a BFA in Graphic Arts and also holds an Executive MBA from the Graziadio School of Business and Management at Pepperdine University. Read Steph's Blog Meet Steph and Dave Sign up for our Free 7-Day BootCamp: Self Employed & Rich - Visit Stephanie Robey's Website |
|||
|
To learn more about the Evan Elite Author Program please contact us. | |||
 | |
|  |
Subscribe to Kim's articles
 | |
|
|  |
 | |
|
| |
 | |||||||
|
 | ||
 |
||
 |
||
 |
||
|
| ||
 |
| Have you written articles that would be of value to entrepreneurs? Become an expert on our site by publishing them! Expose yourself to a wide audience, drive more traffic to your website and get more sales! Click Here for details. |
|
|
 |
| Modeling the Masters: Learn the true secrets behind Walt Disney's business success factors & grow your company! Video produced by Phanta Media |
|
|
 |
"Learn straight from Evan how you can Make a Full Time Income (And More) from a Website"
Click Here To Learn More |
|
|
|
|
Get advice & tips from famous business owners, new articles by entrepreneur experts, my latest website updates, & special sneak peaks at what's to come!
|
|
|
 Get Ready for The Recovery Delegation Workbook Ideal Client The Leadership Edge Why Business Owners Quit |
|
 | ||
 |
Top 50 SEO Posts - 2007
Top SEO Posts of the Year | |
 |
Top 50 Raising Capital Blogs
Top Blogs To Watch In 2008 | |
| ||
 | ||||
| ||||
|
| ||||
| ||||
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||
|
Email us your ideas on how to make our website more valuable! Thank you Sharon from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for your suggestions to make the newsletter look like the website and profile younger entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez and Sean Combs!
|
|
|
