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Adventures in Wally World

Written by: Doug Gorman

Article Overview: I went to walmart 2 nights ago and had a very fun experience. I was going there for a chocolate cake. Cash in hand and ready to rock...

Adventures in Wally World

I went to walmart 2 nights ago and had a very fun experience. I was going there for a chocolate cake. Cash in hand and ready to rock. That is it. Chocolate cake. Then....my wife calls me and asks me to check her friend's bridal registry and get a bed set for her that is on her list. So, I automatically start drooling and doing the duuuuuuhhh thing.

Since it is midnight, I ask a cashier where the registry "machine" thing is. She tells me go to the customer service desk and ask. Well, I go over there and stand for 10 minutes and assume it is closed. So after feeling like a total nutcase for 10 minutes, a cleaning guy comes by and says, "they are closed". So obviously smoke starts to come out of my ears. I go to another cashier and ask again and she tells me it is by the jewelry counter! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

I walk over to the counter and find the registry and put in the info and wait for the list to print. Paper gets stuck. I pull it out and it doesnt print so i have to do it again. As I wait for the 1 page I think is printing, it spits out 8 pages! It also takes at least 30 seconds to print each one! I get the pages and then I have to go find this stupid bed set.

I am in a pair of shorts with no pockets and I am holding my keys, wallet, cell and this encyclopedia of a bridal registry. I go across the store (about 2 miles I guess) and search for this bed set. I get to the bed section and of course I have an item # and name for it but no clue whatsoever what it looks like! I start rummaging through the bed sets (3 aisles of them) and I finally find it. I have already been in wally world for 45 minutes by the way. I find it and now have cell phone, keys, wallet, bed set (with handle woohoo), and my wife calls and tells me we need trash bags.

So, I find the aisle marked trash bags and it is about a mile south from where the bedding was. I go into to the aisle with all of this crap I am carrying and guess what?! No trash bags. I then proceed to find a stocker and ask him where trash bags are. He says, "aisle 13". Guess where aisle 13 is? A mile north next to the bedding section!!!!! So I head to aisle 13 and the aisle is blocked so I have to walk half a block to get down the other side to get trash bags.Finally, carrying trash bags, bed set, keys, wallet, and cell I come across a stray cart.

Felt like I just had 100 PIPS sign-ups just fell from the sky! It was sweeeeeeet! Put everything in the cart and started to push and a freaking rock is jammed in the front wheel! I wrestle the rock out and then of course and opposite wheel wobbles. I did not care if it had 2 wheels and a dog house dragging from it...myself and this cart were getting out of this prison no matter what.

I head toward check out and forgot the chocolate cake! No reason to go home if I don't have the chocolate cake. I would be homeless. Remember that is the reason I went there in the first place. Isn't that funny? HAHA. You laugh at my pain. So, I go to get the cake and there it is. I have never seen a more beautiful cake in my life. I pick it up and........drop it. No harm no foul. I flip it over and grab another just like it and grab a case of pop on the way to the register.

Since it is now almost 1 AM, they are cleaning the floors and have a little aisle roped off that you are supposed to get a wobbly cart through. It is about 12" wide and I knock over a stand that they had the rope tied to. I pick that up and finally get to check out. Scan everything run my credit card and TA DA! Finished! Wrong!!!

I look at my receipt and was charged for 2 cases of pop instead of 1. At $4.98 a case that is a good deal but I am not giving away 5 bucks to a multi-billion dollar company. I turn to look for the cashier and *poof* she is gone. Must be related to Copperfield I thought. So, I track her down and she says I can wait for someone to come up and credit my card or grab another case of pop. So knowing how fast I could be at grabbing another case, I took option B. I go to grab a case and the cashier tells the night manager and she OK's it. I grab a case and head for the door like a kid running for the Christmas tree on Christmas morn.

I get to the door and I get stopped and have to show my receipt. They can't help you with anything or have things were they are supposed to be, but hey they know if you grab something. I explain it to him, he sees it on my receipt, but he has to confirm it with the manager!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! If I wasn't a humble person, you all would have seen me on Fox news as the man on a rampage in Walmart tearing the store apart.He comes back 5 minutes (not kidding) later. Lets me go. I walk out a free man!

It is now almost 1:30 AM and I cannot find my car. I have been in that !#@$%!$ store for an hour and a half and forgot 3/4 of my life in that time span. I get to my car and load up. As I go to close the trunk, I drop the bag holding the cake that I was going to put in the front with me so I did not smash it! I grab the cake which made it through with very minor lacerations and take off like a man buying crap for his wife in Walmart. I get home and vow to never go to Walmart again. (Went back yesterday for veggies).

Murphy's Law my butt!
Walmart's Law now baby!

The moral to this story? Don't give up until you have your cake and eat it to!

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Article Tags: bridal registry, chocolate cake, chocolate cake, trash bags



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