MULTI- TASKING

THE REALITY OF MULI-TASKING “Scientists at MIT now say multi-tasking is bad for our health. Just like smoking; as soon as we get good at something they want us to quit it.”

At no other time in my life did I learn to improvise more than when I was a working mother. Not even when I was at Second City, where improvising was born.

I always felt I had to make the house perfect in order to go out to work. Call it some form of female Homeland Security. I blame it of Martha Stewart. We almost got ourselves out of the kitchen and that broad came along and said:” Come back here and carve the guts out of that squash and use it as a centerpiece. Add a ribbon and you’ve got yourself a hat. It’s a good thing.” It’s a good thing I didn’t share a cell with you Martha, you would never have made parole.

On this day I had awoken at 5:38 am, cleaned the floors, packed the kids’ lunches, and everything was going well, until I add the one extra thing. I decided I should bleach the teacups. Why bleach the teacups? Because I’m nuts. And yes, I do have a cleaning lady, but she doesn’t clean. My husband says I should fire her but he doesn’t realize that having a bad cleaning lady is better than having no cleaning lady at all. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, believe me, but it’s no use. Every time I do she says “No comprendez-anglais”, which is crazy since she’s my second cousin, Merle, for God sakes. I feel bad because she’s had a hard life and really is too old to be cleaning. So we’ve built this complex relationship where she doesn’t clean and I give her clothes and she tells me I’m thin.

My husband and I have the same relationship. He tells me I’m not fat and I tell him he’s not bald. It works for us.

They say it’s called “Denial”, but I don’t believe it. Besides, as a life style choice, denial is highly-under rated.

Anyway, I was cleaning the house and packing the lunches before I left and nobody was cooperating. I thought I was going to explode, so to let off a little pressure, I just started in on them.

Don’t touch that.

Don’t be late.

Don’t bug me.

Don’t . . . Don’t. Don’t! Don’t do that. It will bleed . . ..

No, you can’t have peanut butter sandwiches…Why not? Because Michael J. is allergic and he could breathe in your peanut butter sandwich breath fumes and he could die. Do you want Michael J to die? . . .

No you don’t. His father’s a lawyer and he could sue us. Have ham. ….

What do you mean you don’t like ham? Since when? ……

No, you’re not Jewish. . . . . You are not Jewish! You’re Catholic. At least your father is. Me? Well, I’m confused.

Here I am trying to be in control and still be nice when my daughter spills milk over the floor. She’s eighteen. Now I’m not one to cry over spilled milk, but I certainly don’t mind yelling over it so I ‘m yelling and crying, “I’m supposed to be a motivational speaker! How can I be good at my job when everyone is driving me crazy? I’ll be a depressed motivational speaker, that’ll go over really, well won’t it? ‘Great talk Deb. Before I heard you I wasn’t motivated to do anything. Now you’ve given me reason to go home and kill myself. Thank you’.

Then my husband, The Last Straw I like to call him, emerges from the bathroom and swaggers into the kitchen, dripping water all over my clean floor. He sees I’m having a Code Red breakdown and with his FM radio voice he says, “Will you calm down? I thought getting away would make you happy?”

Then he leans in and gives me a kiss. One of those pathetic, pity kisses that men give their wives after too many years of marriage.

It sits there on my cheek like a big wet fart, and I want to throw a bleached teacup at his head.

But I’d only have to sweep it up afterward.

excerpt from Deborah Kimmett's new book Reality is Over Rated. www.kimmett.ca

MULTI- TASKING - To learn more about this author, visit Deborah Kimmett's Website.

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