Take Charge of Conflict

Conflict is a given. You will have conflict with other people in your lifetime. Here is what I have learned about taking charge of conflict.

Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is. D. H. Lawrence, the author, wrote, "My beliefs I test on my body, on my intuitional consciousness, and when I get a response there, then I accept."

Remove yourself emotionally and do not take the situation personally. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." How you choose to respond is far more meaningful than what happens to you. If you learn not to take things personally, you can think more clearly about what you want to do and say.

With any person with whom you have conflict, and especially with a bully, stop, listen and observe.

Breathe. Listen to your own breathing. When you're in conflict with someone, stop and listen. Really deeply listen.

Be an eagle and soar above. Look at the situation from atop the peak.

Decide what you want. Ask yourself, what is my goal? When I got married (more than 25 years ago), my mother gave me some advice. She said, "You can be right all the time or you can be married." You may very well be right but getting others to admit that you're right may not get you what you want.

Have alternative plans. Determine several responses you could make to the situation. List the advantages and disadvantages of each response. Think about the long-term implications of each response.

Think ahead. Conflict is the chess game of life. Strategize your every move. Determine what the person with whom you have conflict might do. Avoid surprise attacks. A famous chess player, when asked his strategy for success, said, "I always think through at least one more move than my opponent."

Move slowly but deliberately. Do not make assumptions. Check out the facts. Make decisions based on data, not on emotions.

Know the person with whom you have conflict. Listen for grains of truth in what he or she says. There is an old adage that says, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Finally, take time to reflect. Ask yourself, what have I learned from this conflict situation? What did I gain?  What did I do brilliantly? And, what might I still need to learn?