These “Dragons” Hold You Back?
These “Dragons” Hold You Back?
- Marianne Williamson
Best Selling Author, Spiritual Leader, Quoted by
President Nelson Mandela Inaugural Speech, 1994
The dragons that affect how we lead came into being when we were young.
I met an important dragon of my own when I was 5 years old. It was the afternoon before my friend Terry’s Halloween party. My Dad and I were working away on the greatest Halloween costume ever created. I was going to be a yellow duck!
Looking back, it was the kind of outfit no parent in their right mind would ever put on a child. It was made out of cardboard – one of those huge monstrosities that I couldn’t walk in very well. I’d bump into things all the time and it chaffed my legs. Don’t get me started about trying to go to the washroom with it, either. You know the kind of outfit I’m talking about, right?
Anyway, Dad and I were having a great time, cutting the curved lines in the cardboard, gluing, stapling and painting. It was a real father/son bonding experience. As it was coming together near the end, I started to feel a knot forming in my stomach, but I wasn’t sure why.
When we were done, we put the outfit on the coffee table, stepped back and admired our work. In the eyes of a five-year-old, it was absolutely grand. It was bright. It was perfect. So much so, REAL ducks would be turning their heads! For sure this would be the BEST outfit at the party. People would really notice ME.
And that was precisely my problem…
It was then I realized what the knot in my stomach was all about. The outfit was TOO great. I was actually afraid of standing out, being different, being laughed at, and not being accepted. I couldn’t face my fears. There I was, all dressed up WITH a place to go and I chose to stay home. You heard me right: I didn’t go to the party.
This is one of my earliest childhood memories and it marked the beginning of over twenty years of playing it safe. I was often the shyest kid in the class. I didn’t play many sports. Girls scared me to death and once I finally found one when I was 17, I stayed with her for FIVE years! Why? So I wouldn’t have to face going out and dating again!!
The funny thing is that over those 20 years, people thought I had it together: “He’s got the good grades in school. He doesn’t get into too much trouble. He got the ‘good’ degree and a ‘good’ job once he graduated.” Yet, inside I knew there was FAR more I could contribute.
I’d become an expert at playing life safe, looking good and fitting in.
Fieldwork:
We often have thoughts that drive (and limit) us as people and leaders, I call them “dragons.” They play a critical role in determining the results we create.
We all have a unique combination of dragons and they fear different things:
• Loss of image
• Not being approved of
• Failure
• Letting our guard down (vulnerability)
• Being rejected
• Getting conned
• Success (yes, success)
• Feeling helpless
Before you start to groan about the oh-so-inspiring list above, I want you to get that there’s NOTHING wrong with you. These are things – dragons – we’ve all experienced, seasoned leader or not.
Rest assured though, there are ways to leash your dragons.
The first step is to identify the dragon. Here’s a quick way to do just that.
Take out a piece of paper. Go as far back as you can remember and think about your biggest failures (I know, it sounds weird but bear with me). Write down a thought or two describing the event, enough so it’s clear for you. Leave some space between each event on the page.
E.g., “Five years old: Not going to the Halloween party after Dad and I built the duck outfit.”
After you’ve created your list of events (5 min, 10 or more would be nice), write down what NEGATIVE thing you said to yourself about yourself or the situation at the time.
Situational comments may come to mind first:
E.g. “I can’t have the best outfit at a party.”
Then move them into a broader context:
E.g. “People will think I’m showing off.” “People will laugh at me.”
Finally, turn them into an “I” statement about yourself.
E.g. “I don’t fit in” or “I’m too _X_ (or not _Y_ enough.)”
Do this for each of the events on your list. Step back and look at your answers. Usually, there is a theme or pattern in your final “I” statements. Capture the pattern in a single “I” statement that resonates most with you.
The statement:
• Will be familiar. You’ll recognize how much you actually say it, when you identify it.
• Is not attractive. You won’t feel good about it (that’s why we do everything we can to hide it).
• Is often used as a reason or excuse to justify not giving it our best.
Imagine what it would be like if you could leave THIS dragon behind?
You can.
These Dragons Hold You Back - To learn more about this author, visit Jamie Broughton's Website.
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“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…Your playing small doesn't serve the world.”
- Marianne Williamson
Best Selling Author, Spiritual Leader, Quoted by
President Nelson Mandela Inaugural Speech, 1994
The dragons that affect how we lead came into being when we were young.
I met an important dragon of my own when I was 5 years old. It was the afternoon before my friend Terry’s Halloween party. My Dad and I were working away on the greatest Halloween costume ever created. I was going to be a yellow duck!
Looking back, it was the kind of outfit no parent in their right mind would ever put on a child. It was made out of cardboard – one of those huge monstrosities that I couldn’t walk in very well. I’d bump into things all the time and it chaffed my legs. Don’t get me started about trying to go to the washroom with it, either. You know the kind of outfit I’m talking about, right?
Anyway, Dad and I were having a great time, cutting the curved lines in the cardboard, gluing, stapling and painting. It was a real father/son bonding experience. As it was coming together near the end, I started to feel a knot forming in my stomach, but I wasn’t sure why.
When we were done, we put the outfit on the coffee table, stepped back and admired our work. In the eyes of a five-year-old, it was absolutely grand. It was bright. It was perfect. So much so, REAL ducks would be turning their heads! For sure this would be the BEST outfit at the party. People would really notice ME.
And that was precisely my problem…
It was then I realized what the knot in my stomach was all about. The outfit was TOO great. I was actually afraid of standing out, being different, being laughed at, and not being accepted. I couldn’t face my fears. There I was, all dressed up WITH a place to go and I chose to stay home. You heard me right: I didn’t go to the party.
This is one of my earliest childhood memories and it marked the beginning of over twenty years of playing it safe. I was often the shyest kid in the class. I didn’t play many sports. Girls scared me to death and once I finally found one when I was 17, I stayed with her for FIVE years! Why? So I wouldn’t have to face going out and dating again!!
The funny thing is that over those 20 years, people thought I had it together: “He’s got the good grades in school. He doesn’t get into too much trouble. He got the ‘good’ degree and a ‘good’ job once he graduated.” Yet, inside I knew there was FAR more I could contribute.
I’d become an expert at playing life safe, looking good and fitting in.
Fieldwork:
We often have thoughts that drive (and limit) us as people and leaders, I call them “dragons.” They play a critical role in determining the results we create.
We all have a unique combination of dragons and they fear different things:
• Loss of image
• Not being approved of
• Failure
• Letting our guard down (vulnerability)
• Being rejected
• Getting conned
• Success (yes, success)
• Feeling helpless
Before you start to groan about the oh-so-inspiring list above, I want you to get that there’s NOTHING wrong with you. These are things – dragons – we’ve all experienced, seasoned leader or not.
Rest assured though, there are ways to leash your dragons.
The first step is to identify the dragon. Here’s a quick way to do just that.
Take out a piece of paper. Go as far back as you can remember and think about your biggest failures (I know, it sounds weird but bear with me). Write down a thought or two describing the event, enough so it’s clear for you. Leave some space between each event on the page.
E.g., “Five years old: Not going to the Halloween party after Dad and I built the duck outfit.”
After you’ve created your list of events (5 min, 10 or more would be nice), write down what NEGATIVE thing you said to yourself about yourself or the situation at the time.
Situational comments may come to mind first:
E.g. “I can’t have the best outfit at a party.”
Then move them into a broader context:
E.g. “People will think I’m showing off.” “People will laugh at me.”
Finally, turn them into an “I” statement about yourself.
E.g. “I don’t fit in” or “I’m too _X_ (or not _Y_ enough.)”
Do this for each of the events on your list. Step back and look at your answers. Usually, there is a theme or pattern in your final “I” statements. Capture the pattern in a single “I” statement that resonates most with you.
The statement:
• Will be familiar. You’ll recognize how much you actually say it, when you identify it.
• Is not attractive. You won’t feel good about it (that’s why we do everything we can to hide it).
• Is often used as a reason or excuse to justify not giving it our best.
Imagine what it would be like if you could leave THIS dragon behind?
You can.
These Dragons Hold You Back - To learn more about this author, visit Jamie Broughton's Website.
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