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Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People - The Art of Listening

Guest post by: Dr. Maynard Brusman

Article Overview: Almost every day in my coaching practice someone shares a story with me of how someone at work is driving her up the wall. Some very good people have had it with the difficult individual and decide to quit their job. Improving your listening skills and developing empathy can often help rapidly deteriorating workplace relationships.

Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People - The Art of Listening

Dealing with Difficult People

Are you having trouble coping with difficult people where you work? If you are, then you probably have plenty of company. The workplace is full of difficult people who can make your life miserable if you let them.

Difficult people come in all shapes, sizes and distinct personalities. They can be demanding, controlling, and energy eaters. Remember the old adage "Misery loves company?" They are often unhappy and make everyone around them miserable.

Almost every day in my coaching practice someone shares a story with me of how someone at work is driving her up the wall. Some very good people have had it with the difficult individual and decide to quit their job.

Active Listening

Developing good listening skills is an art by which we use empathy to engage others. Passive attention doesn't work. Not only is listening an active process, it often takes a deliberate effort to suspend our own needs and reactions. To listen well you must hold back what you have to say and control the urge to interrupt or argue. The art of listening requires a shift of focus from self to others. This is not always easy, especially when we are too interested in being right and not truly open to the other person's point of view.

Anytime you demonstrate a willingness to listen with a minimum of defensiveness, criticism, or impatience, you are giving the other person a gift of understanding. You then earn the right to have it reciprocated. Suspending your needs long enough to hear the other person out is part of willing yourself to listen.

Deep listening involves being assertive and not just accommodating to keep the peace. Fierce conversations require dealing with conflict, threats of rejection, arguments, or signs of distress in others. Listening well is often silent but never passive.

Emotionally intelligent and assertive communication is not achieved simply by taking turns talking, but requires a concerted effort at mutual understanding. A good way to promote understanding is to take time to restate the other person's position in your own words then ask the other person to correct or affirm your understanding of her thoughts and feelings. If you work on this process of explicit feedback and confirmation until the other person has no doubt that you grasp her position, she will feel understood, and she will then be more open to hearing from you.

The simple failure to acknowledge what the other person says explains much of the tension in interactions with other people. Furthermore, you don't have to be responsible for someone's feelings to be aware of them and to acknowledge them. When two people keep restating their own positions without acknowledging what the other is trying to say, the result is dueling points of view.

Whether or not someone is really listening only that person truly knows. When someone does not feel listened to, she doesn't feel listened to. We judge whether or not others are listening to us by the behavior we observe.

The next time you have an encounter with a difficult person, experiment with suspending judgment and listening for what might be behind the words. Asking some powerful questions and seeking to understand may reveal an opportunity to resolve a conflict and build a more productive relationship.

Are you working in a professional services firm or other organization where executive coaches provide leadership development for leaders at all levels? Does your company provide executive coaching to help leaders improve their listening skills, and be more effective at resolving conflict? Leaders at all levels need to improve their emotional intelligence and social intelligence skills.

One of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself is "Am I a good listener?" Emotionally intelligent and socially intelligent organizations provide executive coaching for leaders who help their employees to improve their ability to influence others.

Working with a seasoned executive coach and leadership consultant trained in emotional intelligence and incorporating assessments such as the Bar-On EQ-I, CPI 260 and Denison Culture Survey can help you get better at resolving interpersonal conflict and creating a healthy workplace culture. You can become a leader who models emotional intelligence and social intelligence, and who inspires people to become fully engaged with the vision, mission and strategy of your company or law firm.

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Article Tags: dealing with difficult people, empathy, job, listening skills, workplace relationships



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