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Guest post by: Millard MacAdam Become an Author

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Have you noticed how many people fail to keep the commitments they make? It's increasingly a problem with our political and business leaders who get bad press over promises broken. At the bottom of the food trough, it happens with business associates, clients, customers, suppliers, subcontractors, and even with friends engaged in purely social things. It also happens in families, and leads to increasing numbers of failed marriages. Failing to keep commitments destroys interpersonal trust and right and productive living. It's becoming a norm that's some how alright for people to be late for appointments, not follow through on promises made, and be unconcerned with deadlines. Grace is great, but what's going on with these people? Are you a victim of this kind of behavior, or possibly guilty of doing it yourself?

Understanding some of the things that drive these unproductive, trust-busting, and relationship-destroying actions is a step toward making and keeping solid commitments and building interpersonal trust with others. The first three reasons for failed commitments listed below are legitimate; the others are the result of a lack of competency, personality short suits and character flaws which deter the keeping of commitments.

Opposing Priorities - When you ask someone to do something and they commit to doing it, make sure the agreement includes a common understanding of the urgency and immediacy of the task involved. Each person has his own set of priorities as to what is most important or urgent. Unfortunately, these differences are not often discussed and clarified and they should be. Here's an example: "It's important to me that you complete the painting by 4:00 p.m. next Thursday. Will you be able to meet that deadline?"

Vagueness - Some people use indirect communication, usually driven by some level of fear. They fail to directly say what they want and don't take steps to ensure that there is a common meeting of the minds. They couch their request so that they do not appear to be demanding. The direct approach: "Will you give me a ride home?" The indirect approach: "My car broke down and I'm wondering how can I get home today after work?" The indirect approach is manipulative. It's far better to say what you want and run the risk of a "no."

Misunderstanding - Sometimes the meanings of words are not crisp. "ASAP" means different things to different people. To a schedule-driven type A, it may mean within the next five minutes. To an easy-going creative type, it can mean sometime today. Eliminate this problem by being clear on what you mean and, if there is any doubt, ask the other person to paraphrase your request.

The above three points have covered the main positive, reasonable, and acceptable reasons for not honoring commitments. The seven that follow are not acceptable, but all too common.

Ineffective Time Initiative - Some people make commitments with the best of intentions toward keeping them, but then something always gets in the way, a previous assignment takes longer than planned, they didn't allow enough time to get there, or they had to do just a little bit more before leaving the office. It's likely that we've all fallen into the time traps. A big one is the inability to say "no" when asked to take on more than you can realistically handle. These time traps and others are seductive because they are based on the motivation to get more done in less time. However, the final result is the other person is inconvenienced and your stress level increases.

Unrealistic Expectations Of Others - Some people have grown up in homes where others took up the slack. They have grown to expect it from those around them. People having unrealistic expectations of others are unfortunate because they probably won't get the very feedback they need to change. Those impacted by the person's unrealistic juvenile behaviors tend to withdraw from the person, get the work done, and thus reinforce a life-long pattern.

Procrastination - Some people act like born procrastinators. No matter how little or how much they have to do, they always come up with reasons for avoiding taking action. You are unfortunate if you have to deal with a committed procrastinator. The best strategy for dealing with them is regularly following up. If you are a procrastinator, and want to break this negative behavior, try everyday for 90 days to select the most unpleasant, difficult, high-priority task from your list and do it first. You'll discover that during this time period you have substituted a new timely behavior for your old behavior. You'll feel better about yourself and enjoy your work more!

Irresponsibility - Being responsible is a learned character trait that some people never master. This character trait is so weak in some adults that they are incapable of honoring their commitments. They were never taught as children to be responsible and most likely had irresponsible parents as role models. Building the character trait of responsibility is a long, hard climb. It often begins with the mastery of the simple tasks and continues, sometimes agonizingly slowly, towards responsible adulthood.

Ego - Some people have the view that others owe them a certain level of deference by virtue of their position, intelligence or wealth. These people think that your concerns are not as important as theirs. When they fail to keep a commitment, they believe it's not important in their slanted picture of things. The best way to deal with these people is to assertively check their intent. When it happens, ask them, "Is your intent to ignore the commitments you have made when you have something to you to do that you consider more important?" Keep pushing and force them to declare their intent. If it's clear their intent is to always keep the options open and not honor commitments, avoid them if you can. Their inflated sense of ego pretty much guarantees that they won't be receptive to your suggestions for growing in commitment and trust.

Manipulation - There are people whose consciences have declined to a point where they have no intention of keeping their commitments. They commit only to stringing you along, getting a little more out of you, and then moving on to the next unwary victim. You don't need these people in your life. Assertively distance yourself from them.

What's my bottom line advice on the issue of interpersonal commitment? Give it, expect it, get it, or forget it, and help the uncommitted to move on and out of your way.

If you need help in mastering and implementing any of the skills and tactics mentioned, I'm here for you! Please visit the Call-A-Coach section of my web site for more information.

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