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Listening Intentionally For Better Communication With Others

Guest post by: Millard MacAdam

Article Overview: How well are you intentionally listening to others? Most of us spend around 70% of our waking hours in some form of verbal communication. Yet, how many of us have ever had any formal training in the art of listening intentionally? If you desire stellar interpersonal relationships and clear communication with others,read on! You'll discover specific things you can do to listen more intentionally.

Listening Intentionally For Better Communication With Others

Most of us spend around 70% of our waking hours in some form of verbal communication. Yet, how many of us have ever had any formal training in the art of listening intentionally? Here are some action steps you can take to enhance your intentional listening skills and strengthen your interpersonal communication with others.

Center And Focus On The Other Person - To be centered is to be emotionally calm and ego free at a very deep level. It's like going inside yourself to focus on the other person instead of yourself. When you're centered and focused on the other person, you are without agendas or predispositions as to the outcome of the dialogue. You are genuinely open to experiencing the other person's ideas, concerns and desires. Being centered and focused on the other person is a prerequisite to truly open listening. It sets the stage for more easily and effectively taking the other action steps for effective listening which are listed below.

Refuse To Think Any Topic Is Uninteresting - Creative people are always on the lookout for new information. While some conversations may be frivolous, it's wise to make sure the subject is not worthwhile before tuning out.

Accept The Speaker's Message - This may seem like an argument for gullibility, for believing almost anything anyone tells you. It's not. The point here is to suspend judgment during the immediate experience of listening to the other person. In accepting "as is" what others are saying to you, you're not making a determination as to the truth or falsity of the statement. You simply seek to receive, understand and acknowledge correctly what the person is saying, right or wrong, good or bad. This capacity for total acceptance will free your mind to sincerely listen.

Listen For Non Verbal Messages - It's estimated that 75% of all communication is non-verbal. If you take away the words, what's left? It turns out, significant messages! Beyond the words themselves is a host of clues as to what the speaker is communicating. Some examples:

• Posture that's rigid or relaxed, closed or open.
• Facial expression that does or does not support the words expressed.
• Hands that are clenched, open, relaxed, or tense.
• Eye expressions and contact.
• Voice tone that matches or doesn't match the words expressed.
• Body movement that's intense, relaxed and congruent or conflicting with the message

Do the non verbal messages suggest that the words expressed are sincere or staged? What you're looking for are inconsistencies between what is said and what is really meant, clues that tell you the spoken message isn't really genuine.

Avoid Judging The Person's Delivery - There are factors that simply reveal an awkwardness in delivery rather than any attempt to mislead. The key is being able to distinguish between the two. It's easy to tune out when someone speaks haltingly, has an irritating voice, or simply doesn't come across well. The key to good listening, however, is to get beyond the manner of delivery to the underlying message. In order for this to happen, you have to resolve not to judge the person's message by their delivery style. It's amazing how much more clearly you can "hear" once you've made the decision to actively listen rather than to criticize.

Tune Out Distractions - Poor listeners are distracted by interruptions; effective listeners tune them out and focus on the speaker and the message. It's a discipline that lends itself to specific techniques for maintaining one's focus. Here are some things that will help: Maintain eye contact with the speaker; lean forward in your chair; let the speaker's words register in your ears; and turn in your chair, if necessary, to block out unwanted distractions.

Be Alert To Your Own Prejudices - It's important that you think specifically about the impact your prejudices have on your ability to effectively hear what's being communicated. Often, we are unaware of how strongly our prejudices influence our willingness and ability to hear. Any prejudice, valid or not, tends to obscure the message.

Resist The Temptation To Rebut - Why is it that, when we hear someone saying something with which we strongly disagree, we immediately begin mentally formulating a rebuttal? There are many reasons, but one of the most common is our natural tendency to resist any new information that conflicts with what we believe. Keep in mind that you can always rebut later, when you've heard the whole message and had time to think about it.

Take Little To No Notes - The world seems to be divided between those who take prolific notes and those who take few or none. Each side is equally strong in its position. I believe in the latter view for this reason, the more focused you are on writing down what is being said, the more likely you are to miss the nuances of the conversation. There are two good ways around this dilemma. You can write down only key words and then, after the conversation, go back and fill in. You can also take notes by forming mental pictures, like diagramming in you mind what the speaker is saying. It's a technique called, "mind-mapping" and it was first popularized by the author, Tony Buzan, many years ago in a book entitled, "Use Your Head".

After you have listened to a person, check out what you think you have heard with them. Ask them key "paraphrase" type questions to make sure you have understood what they have said. Here's an example. "What I heard you say was that the time I gave you to complete the task was not sufficient. Right?"

You also need too check out your understanding of the messages the person's non verbal behavior might be communicating to you. To do this, you can use "perception check" type questions to verify your understanding of their possible non verbal messages. Here's an example. "When I heard the volume of your voice go up, I wondered if you might be feeling some degree of anger over the issue we're discussing? Are you?"

If the answer is "Yes," continue to explore with the person the intensity or degree of the feeling as well as the specific things that they believe are contributing to the feeling. This will help you to better understand them, without necessarily agreeing with them.

If you need help in mastering and implementing any of the skills and tactics mentioned above, I'm here for you! Please visit the Call-A-Coach section of my web site for more information, and contact me if you have any questions.

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Article Tags: active listening, communication with others, interpersonal communication, interpersonal relationships, listening, verbal communication



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