In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

Lately I have been getting emails that show time posted between 2-4 AM. No, not from someone selling me a "good time" or for a product I don't want. Thankfully most of these go into junk mail and I don't ever see them.

These are from clients who are in various degrees of distress and can't sleep so they write. Here is an example: "Couldn't stop thinking about the meeting yesterday and the way it got out of hand. I was so upset with my behavior and not sure what to do. Should I apologize again for losing my temper and telling Steve he was out of line? Should I just forget about it and go back today with a business as usual manner?  I worry he will go to HR with a complaint about this being a hostile work environment. I know I am probably over reacting yet, in these tense days you never know. Any suggestions will be appreciated. Hope you are sleeping and not reading this in the darkness of night. Best, Larry".

I began to categorize these late night/early morning responses and they all have the same flavor of fear and dread.

So, what is going on underneath the specifics? The themes are almost always about unresolved conflict and what conflict resolution should look like. Almost all are from those in leadership positions and there is always a sense of disappointment with oneself, rarely finger pointing at another.

So, here is my advice. First, if you can't sleep, write. It is as good release for the stress and tension being felt. Next, do not hit the send button until the next morning. Sometimes looking at what has been written when your stomach is churning from a new light will give you all the answer you need to resolve the conflict of yesterday. Then you can push delete and get on with the day.

If however, the same shallow breathing and visceral reactions have not gone away pick a valued colleague or your coach and send the email. Better yet, a morning phone call may be more productive so you can have a short back and forth dialogue. Most important, don't let it fester and simmer. That is when you really get backed up. It's like stuck plumbing and you better get the stuckness out of the system or.....just think overflowing toilet.

Back to the middle of the night; after you have written about your concerns get a snack and a warm cup of tea. Then spend time focused on your breath and you will find the quiet and the warmth will get you back to slumber land. If not, the issue bugging you may be more than the upset you have just been writing about and there is no harm to go back to the computer and dig deeper. No one ever died from losing a night's sleep and you just may find a nugget of insight that will help you connect the dots from the presenting problem to a deeper pattern of why you handle conflict the way you do. Then you can browse through a copy of "Don't Bring It to Work" where there are the 13 most common patterns that cause us to lose sleep because of unresolved conflict at work.