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E-Mail Tip #14 - Handling Over the Top People

Guest post by: Robert Whipple

Article Overview: Some e-mail exchanges go way overboard and spiral out of control. This paper contains a juicy example and the antidote to the problem.

E-Mail Tip #14 - Handling Over the Top People

We have all met and dealt with irrational people. They can take up huge amounts of energy as they spout out their truth and just not hear any counterpoints. If they do get feedback, they become extremely defensive to the point of being belligerent. Here is an example of a string of notes between Mary and Joe. Joe starts off the exchange with his opinion of why brightly colored hair is not appropriate in a professional setting.

Joe's note:

• "I believe that bright florescent-colored hairstyles are not appropriate in Corporate America. Even in small offices, appearance is important, especially if people deal with customers. Having red or mango colored hair does not look professional in my opinion. A job at McDonalds or a theme park rather than a professional office environment is more appropriate for someone wishing to wear exotic hair color. I recognize not everyone will feel the same way, and I welcome other points of view; this is just my personal opinion."

Joe is staking out a position of conservative traditional values in his note. This is a controversial issue. Some people would view Joe as a bigot for his views, while others might agree with his premise. Joe's last sentence is intended to acknowledge potential differing opinions. It demonstrates he does not believe his is the only correct analysis to the issue.

Mary had a different opinion than Joe. She could have created an intelligent debate with a note like this:

• "I don't agree with you on this issue, Joe. I think the color of a person's hair is a personal choice that ought to be respected. Perhaps we have differing views on the role of appearance in the conventional business setting. I would be interested in understanding the key assumptions leading to your position."

This note would have engaged Joe on this issue in a calm and helpful mode. Instead, Mary responded to Joe's note with a much more aggressive tone. Notice how she escalates this from a debate on a controversial issue to a personal attack right from the first five words of the first sentence. This is a great example of starting a note with the wrong tone.

Mary's reply:

• "Isn't it very closed-minded to say people in Corporate America should not be allowed to look as they please? Also, it seems you are looking down on people who work at McDonalds. Do you believe those people are not as smart as white-collar workers? Do you also judge people by weight, race, etc.? What would you think of me if I said I worked in a retail store, I am obese, and get paid $10/hour? Would you automatically think I am not intelligent or could not get a job in Corporate America? I have some questions for you. What is your IQ? Is your weight in the ‘proper' range for your height? Do you have an accent? What did you say to yourself to justify judgments about other people and where they would fit in by your standard because of how they look? I am very curious to hear your thoughts and opinions. I am very curious about why people do what they do and think the way they think. I am NOT judging you. I am just bewildered by how and why you seem to think and feel the way you do. I am looking forward to your response so maybe I can learn something from you and maybe learn to look at things in a different way!"

Whew! Mary states that she is not judging Joe, but starts the note with numerous character assassinations. Notice how she uses the pronouns "you" and "your" in nearly every sentence, which makes her points into personal attacks. Read her last few sentences again carefully. Mary actually believes she is asking innocent questions in this note. She is looking for a serious discussion, but she has no clue how her choice of words makes a non-defensive response nearly impossible. How is Joe to respond? In this case, Joe decides to take the bait.

Joe's reply:

• "Me, closed-minded? Your opinion, not reality. Now who's judging? You don't know me well enough to make that assumption. You are way off base."

Joe's defensive note tries to counter Mary's accusations and put her down for the abuse. In reality, he is only adding to the problem by continuing to be inflammatory with his own choice of words. Joe would feel happy if the debate ended at this point, but his ill-advised response makes a counterpoint essential. Mary feels it necessary to escalate the vitriolic language when she writes:

Mary's reply:

• "I could respond in the same immature manner in which you have, but I do not feel the need. All I can say is maybe you should read what I said again and actually notice I did not judge you or assume. Also, you have a need to wake up about someone not being hired with a unique hair color. One of my best friends has PURPLE hair and she is VP for a Fortune 500 company and deals with clients regularly. The company is usually very conservative, but maybe they are smarter than most because they looked past her hair color and saw her potential. It is sad that so many people like you feel this kind of bigotry should continue."

Mary's attacks are incredibly inflammatory, especially in the final sentence. Notice the phrases, "you have a need to wake up" and "so many people like you feel this kind of bigotry should continue." There is that pesky pronoun "you" again, pouring kerosene on the fire. Joe now just wants out of the conversation. He does not see his own contribution to the problem. He desperately wants this painful exchange to end, yet he decides to write the following note rather than just ignore Mary's ranting and inappropriate language. In effect, Joe is giving Mary one more chance to blast away. He should realize by now every note will be answered with escalating rancor.

Joe's reply:

• "You know, Mary. This is not the first time someone has responded to you in this manner. Maybe it is the way you word your responses. About a week ago, I got an e-mail from you that I did not respond to because I did not want to get into another confrontation. If everyone around you is having a problem with your responses to them, maybe you should check yourself. I am tired of your constant attacks."

Joe's note starts out with a condescending and inflammatory tone, which will only raise Mary's rage further. Inanother article, I addressedhow the first sentence of a note sets the tone. The first three words, "You know, Mary" will create even further rage in her. He also used the absolute word "everyone." You can see how Mary calls him on this in her reply. Now, Mary has the dagger and can attack at will with a few more character assassination statements added, just to twist the knife.

Mary's reply:

• "Joe: First off, if people do not like what I say, what I think, or how I say it, then that is their problem. I have tried to phrase things in a more delicate manner and that has not worked. I am just looking for an intelligent debate, but you seem to be lacking in intelligence. What I have learned about you so far is less than desirable. My need to understand has been clogged because you cannot open your mind and realize that EVERYTHING IS NOT AN ATTACK!!! Not everyone is reacting in a defensive manner. It would seem that almost anything I say is viewed as an attack. CHECK YOURSELF and figure out why you react that way. OPEN YOUR EYES. If you do not like the things I said, those are your feelings. OWN THEM AND DO NOT PLACE THE BLAME ON ME. Take your own advice and just say you do not agree."

Gulp. You probably do not run into acrimony like that every day, but I will bet this kind of language has passed through your computer on occasion. Mary is clearly in full "attack" mode, but she is trying to indicate she is not prone to attack others; she is convinced the problem is with them. This reveals her perception problem immediately. In fact, you can tell by the first two words of her note that this is going to be a major battle. The body language is one of a crazed maniac with a broadsword.

If you were in a leadership position and received copies of these notes, how could you intervene without causing further hard feelings? How can you maintain or build trust when both parties are going at each other so aggressively? My guess is that any attempt to intervene in an e-mail would increase the rancor. In a case like this, you should get both parties to sit down and state their beliefs as rationally as possible. Depending on the severity of the rift, you would need to assess the depth of the needed intervention. If the problem is caught early, the parties may be able to come to a resolution rather simply. Let them know that it is OK if they agree to disagree. They can still respect one another and work well together, even if they have differing views on a specific topic.

If the problem is more imbedded or has spread to other individuals or groups, serious action will be necessary. This might take the form of some individual counseling followed by serious teambuilding work. It may be necessary to do a complete organization development intervention. The situation and individuals will be the determining factor in any corrective action.

The post mortem of this e-mail track is revealing because it shows how Mary, who in reality is just challenging Joe's assumptions, escalated the exchange with her "attack" language, which she consistently fails to see as an attack. Joe did the same thing with his initial note and replies. While there were fewer personal attacks in Joe's notes, they served to inflame rather than calm the situation. He could have ended the entire exchange at any point, but chose to keep trying to explain his point of view in ways that infuriated Mary.

Unfortunately, Mary cannot see how others interpret her notes. I coached Mary for several weeks and got her to back off a little. I actually thought that I was getting through to her. However, true to her defensive nature, it compromised her sense of integrity by "being forced to be nice all the time," so she slipped back into an abusive pattern. I believe she will forever feel like the victim of the abuse of other people, since she simply cannot see how she creates her own misery. She will go through life blaming others and situations for why she is not popular and happy. Many people have similar problems, only to a lesser degree.

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Article Tags: email, emotional, hostile, leadership, trust



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