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E-Mail Tip #23 - Avoid Using Off Color Remarks

Guest post by: Robert Whipple

Article Overview: Similar to using the vernacular, dirty jokes in e-mail can easily get out of control and peg you in a light that you would not appreciate. This article discusses the issue in depth and gives some antidotes.

E-Mail Tip #23 - Avoid Using Off Color Remarks

Did you ever tell an off-color joke or make a remark that someone thought was in poor taste? Doesn't that really depend on your meaning of "off-color" or what defines "poor taste"? I doubt if there is a living soul who has not said or written something at some time that did not have the potential to offend someone else.

I once knew a guy named Mort who was a classic dirty old man. I knew him during the mid 1970s when the Woman's Liberation movement was just reaching its peak. Mort made an interesting study because he got away with doing and saying things that would have gotten most men punched, fired, or put in jail. For example, he would sneak up behind his young and attractive "secretary" (as he called his administration person) and pull her onto his lap, then reach around to give her breasts a little squeeze. In meetings, he used the vernacular he learned in the Navy, regardless of the people present. It did not matter to him if he embarrassed people by his words or actions. Mort was just like that, and everybody seemed to tolerate, if not appreciate, him.

I puzzled over this for some time. What made him different from other people? For most people, the slightest hint of sexual innuendo would mean a trip to the HR Office with their supervisor for some remedial training on harassment. I suspect the reason Mort did not get fired for his actions was because people expected that of him, knew he would never change, and truly did respect him for his technical knowledge. Clearly, he would not survive more than a day or two in the working world today.

Here is another example. A female manager reporting to me had a folksy "down home" style that endeared her to people in her area. One thing she did was to allow marginal jokes to be told in staff meetings of mixed company. She was so good at it that people felt this was a most natural working environment and just enjoyed a rather free-form tolerance for remarks that could be taken more than one way. I have to confess that I was also comfortable with this style and tolerated it as long as the jokes were not intended to hurt anyone and were not too far over the line.

A problem arose when a new employee joined the group. This person had a very low tolerance for innuendo. After a week in the area, she complained that she was just not comfortable in that atmosphere. It did not take long to figure out her problem. That incident was a significant learning event for me. What appeared to be reasonable, acceptable, and enjoyable behavior to a large group became a problem when one additional person was added to the group. We went to a zero tolerance rule, which was a difficult culture change for people who had enjoyed the slightly risqué environment that had previously existed. Many people knew the influence of the new person caused the crackdown, and they resented her. The whole atmosphere was tense for a couple of months.

There are still occasional comments made that would be considered inappropriate by some people, even in the most stringent zero tolerance environment. The issue is not whether you make off-color remarks; it is more about who is defining what those words mean and the local standard of tolerance.

I came away with a philosophy that the best approach is to picture the most conservative person you can think of before you hit the send button on any form of outgoing communication. If that imaginary person would be uncomfortable with your language, rewrite your document to clean it up. Making that correction may stifle many remarks that could be brilliantly witty, but it will set a standard that is defensible. You can never be perfect, even with this system. No matter how conservative your imaginary friend is, someone in the real world is even more conservative on a particular point. At least you can honestly try to uphold the highest moral standards in your correspondence.

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Article Tags: dirty jokes, email, leadership, Off color, trust



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