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E-Mail Tip #8 - Write Notes Only When You Are Yourself

Guest post by: Robert Whipple

Article Overview: We all know it is unwise to write an e-mail when we are angry, yet all of us are guilty of doing exactly that from time to time. This article contains a case study on what can happen and three different methods you can use to protect yourself.

E-Mail Tip #8 - Write Notes Only When You Are Yourself

One of the cardinal rules of e-body language is to avoid sending e-mails you write when you are angry. It is impossible to hide your anger completely when writing e-mails. You may try to be nice, and you might fool some people on occasion, but usually your e-body language will give you away. Here is an example of a note written while a supervisor was angry with an employee but tried to hide it with fancy footwork.

"Hi Lola, I got your note on the argument between you and Greg. Thanks very much for sending it out to Greg and me with a copy to Albert. You seem to understand most of my struggle. I am hopeful there is a way to show you some of the other points. If you look at the situation in a rational way, you will see that you both actually have similar viewpoints. I know I can count on you to move beyond this and put the issue behind us. Thanks."

This supervisor was very upset with Lola, but he tried to write a calm and reasonable note to her anyway. Here is what his e-body language is indicating:

• I wish you had not sent out that note to my boss Albert, Greg, and me. I am going to have to do damage control all day. You are such a pain!

• You are clueless as to why you are causing problems, and your explanations or justifications are totally irrational.

• You don't even have a legitimate difference of opinion with Greg. You are just fighting because you like to be obstinate and stir up trouble.

• I know that I am going to continue struggling with you, but I have to be politic and frame everything in a positive, coaching mode because I am your supervisor, and my boss is watching now, thanks to you.

• I would really like to take you behind the barn for a good thrashing.

The ire of the supervisor came through in ways he did not realize. Here is the mental conversation Lola has with herself as she reads his note:

• Oh darn, I knew sending a copy of the note to Albert would cause a bad reaction. Now he is upset with me and I will never get that promotion. I don't even care; he's such a jerk anyway. Maybe I should go work for someone else.

• He said I understand "most" of what he is struggling with, which probably means that, in his mind, I don't understand the really important issues.

• Who is he to call me irrational! He is the one who started the whole mess in the first place by scheduling us to be on the same team. He knows I don't get along with Greg.

• He calls me irrational when the real problem is he does not listen to anybody. That's why I have to get Albert involved. At least he has an idea how to treat people, and I can trust him.

• He says he can count on me to put this behind us. Bullshit! He just wants to duck the issue, sweep it under the rug, and pretend it never happened. He also wants to make nice with me because he's afraid I will forward his note to Albert.

There were obviously some major trust issues brewing before this e-mail exchange, but because the supervisor chose to write his note while angry, he made the situation even worse. If the supervisor had waited a day or two, the note might have read more like this:

"Hi Lola. Thank you for your note the other day relative to the challenge you are having with Greg. I know the two of you have been struggling recently. Let's sit down soon and discuss your ideas for how we should proceed. I really value your input."

While this note will not by itself fix the underlying trust issues, it will not make them worse. This e-mail represents an honest attempt on the part of the supervisor to listen to Lola's ideas rather than preach at her. Plus, it takes the whole conversation out of the e-mail mode so there is less chance for escalation.

Sometimes it is necessary to write a message when you are agitated. Venting helps calm inflamed nerves at times, but there is a real danger if you send these notes because you are not going to come across as yourself. There are three excellent antidotes for this problem.

Method 1

Write the note as soon as you feel the need, but do not send it. If you put the note in your "drafts" folder for at least one day, you can review it when your blood pressure is back to normal. One technique to avoid sending the message too soon is to leave the "To" line blank. This will avoid the possibility of pushing the send button by mistake. The next day you are likely to make many or all of the same points, but you will word them differently, which will make a huge difference in how the reader interprets your note. The side benefit of this technique is that a high percentage of "serious" problems tend to get resolved over time.

In the heat of battle, on a Tuesday morning, you may be furious with your boss and want to give her a piece of your mind about the new reporting system she has invented. You write the note, but decide not to send it until Thursday morning. On Wednesday your boss offers a change in the system based on input she received from other people that takes out most of the sting. Now you have the opportunity to send her a note of appreciation for her outstanding perception and listening skills instead of a scathing note about how clueless she is. Politically, that is a huge benefit for you gained by just waiting for a full day before sending out the note.

Method 2



Go ahead and write the note, but have a trusted third party read it and give you advice before sending it. A neutral party who is not worked up about the issue will have better perspective than you. He or she can give you priceless advice about your note before you do damage by sending it out. There are three caveats:

The person who assists you must have the emotional intelligence to make the right calls,

The person must be familiar enough with your relationship to the reader to give good advice, and

The person must be the kind of person who would not violate any confidences revealed in your note.

Method 3

If you deal with this kind of problem regularly, keep a separate file of your responses to inflammatory notes in the past if they were effective. You can give them titles relative to the subject (for easy recall) and use them as "boilerplate" responses to similar situations in the future. Obviously, you would need to customize each note to perfectly fit each situation, but much of the logic and finesse has already been generated by you in the past. This is especially helpful when a fast response is required. You could also create "let's take this offline" boilerplates before anything happens.

It is not only anger that you need to watch when writing or reading e-mails. Any extreme of emotion or situation can cause problems. If you are depressed about something, it will have a significant impact on the wording of your communications. If you are high on drugs or alcohol, you are not really yourself and will not be able to convey tricky notes in the most politically sensitive way. If you are head over heels in love, you are in a state of bliss, which may not allow you to communicate with precision. If you have been told you only have six months to live, your notes are going to be affected.

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Article Tags: angry, email, frustrated, leadership, manager, trust



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