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How Much Eye Contact

Guest post by: Robert Whipple

Article Overview: Eye Contact is a fascinating thing. We know it is important for good communication, but too much of it can be very distracting. What are the techniques for establishing the right level of eye contact? This article focuses on this fascinating subject (no pun intended).

How Much Eye Contact

Eye contact with other people is a skill not often discussed in leadership books and articles. Good eye contact is an asset from the moment you meet a person to all forms of subsequent communication. What makes this topic so fascinating is that too much eye contact is definitely a bad thing.

Have you ever been in a meeting where someone is trying to avoid making excessive eye contact with you? It can be incredibly distracting. I remember early in my career sitting in meetings that included my boss who I was trying very hard to impress. Every once in a while our eyes would lock, then we would quickly look away. I became aware of this pattern, and it made me uncomfortable. The more I tried to avoid locking eyes, the more uncomfortable I got. It was like I was self conscious for no particular reason. I was sure this was equally uncomfortable to my boss, but neither one of us had any idea how to stop it.

An additional thing about eye contact is that if you try to discuss it, the communication immediately becomes incredibly stressful as neither party knows when to make contact, for how long, and when to break. If you do not believe me, just try discussing eye contact with another person seriously. I know a woman college professor who closes her eyes shut whenever talking to another person one on one. I think it is an over reaction to some stressful prior conversations, so to be safe she just closes her eyes. It is creepy. It can be incredibly distracting to talk with her.

The eye contact thing also exists when addressing groups. If you focus on the eye contact, it becomes a distraction as you lock eyes too long with each person. But avoiding eye contact completely to eliminate the stress is a poor choice because you cannot connect well with people. So what are some tools that can help improve eye contact without overdoing it.

1. The stress comes from trying too hard. Whenever one party is consciously trying to increase eye contact it becomes phony and immediately degenerates into jousting of glances and looking away. So, relax and do not stress about eye contact.

2. When addressing a group try to scan over the whole area every 30 seconds. This allows you to read into the eyes of others without actually locking into a stare. You need to read the faces, including the eyes, but not make people uncomfortable. Again, it helps to not try to force eye contact.

3. If there is stress with locking eyes, try changing a facial expression, like break into a smile, and let the smile come from the corners of your eyes.

4. Do not look into another person's eyes directly for more than 10 seconds. If you see the other person glancing away, you are putting on too much pressure for eye contact.

5. You can change the focal point to some other object, like a sketch on a piece of paper. That allows a natural break in the eye contact.

6. Blinking can also help break up a staring contest. Remember how hard it was in that children's game to try to out stare your opponent by staring the longest without blinking or laughing? That demonstrates the power of blinking to break up the contest as adults.

7. If you are one on one with a person, you can move your eyes in a natural pattern from one shoulder to the eyes then to the other shoulder and the mouth, then back to the eyes. In other words, keep the eyes moving every few seconds.

8. Be careful not to shift eyes from side to side continually, you will come across as insincere.

9. Be particularly conservative locking eyes with a member of the opposite sex. This can be easily misinterpreted as a come on.

10. Recognize that different cultures and religions have various preferences for eye contact. Be observant when working with an individual from another society and try to mimic the patterns used by the other individual. That person will also be trying to mimic your mannerisms. The best approach is a kind of meeting in the middle.

The overarching advice is to be natural in your eye contact. If it seems forced or uncomfortable, back off or use one of the techniques above to break the pattern.

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Article Tags: communication, Eye contact, Leadership, motivation, trust



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