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Dealing with adversity

Guest post by: Douglas Long

Article Overview: Adversity! It sucks. Yet most of us experience it from time to time. Trying to run away from it doesn’t help – ultimately the hole only gets bigger until there is no way out. But by facing it and following some simple steps I’ve found that it can be dealt with. Hopefully the things that have worked for me may be of assistance to you, too.

Dealing with adversity

The recent disasters in Australia – unbelievable floods throughout the country (they have covered an area about the size of the old Western Europe) coupled with a Category 5 Cyclone in North Queensland – have again focused my attention to the issue of dealing with adversity. Friends and other people I know have had their property destroyed or seriously damaged and some have suffered serious blows to their businesses with the result that they will lack cash flow for a long time to come and, with their assets seriously impaired, are questioning their future financial viability – a major concern for people in their 60’s. What do you do when you have debts that must be repaid yet now find yourself with effectively no assets and, for the foreseeable future, no income? This is even more a concern when you thought you had all the necessary insurance cover for any contingency but now find that the insurers are at least quibbling (if not stating they will renegue) about making any payout even though you’ve paid their premiums for many years.

When times are good (or at least reasonable) its easy to say “its not what happens to you that’s important – its how you react that is critical” but when the crunch comes and you face financial ruin such statements can quickly be seen as platitudes. When your world is crashing around you its hard to focus on anything other than the mess in which you are now engulfed. I know this from experience.

No two people ever have exactly the same experience of the same event – even when they are together through the event. But the similarities of experience among people facing adversity enables some suggestions. I haven’t experienced the current spate of disasters, but my own experience of facing adversity provides me with knowledge that may be useful to others. Accordingly, based on my own experience, I make the following suggestions for dealing with adversity:

1. Accept the reality of what has happened

2. Don’t try to source blame – looking back won’t help

3. Complete an inventory of your strengths

4. Seek and accept support from those who want to help you

5. Be bifocal – try not to lose sight of what you are trying to achieve even as you deal with today’s emergencies.

6. Concentrate on how far you have come each day rather than on how far you yet have to go

Accept the reality of what has happened.

Psychologists talk about the issue of denial. This is where a person fails to accept that something has actually occurred and they try to continue on as though everything is the same as it was. It occurs when a person’s experience (what they see, hear, or happens to them) challenges their world view. “This can’t happen to me” or “I don’t believe this” is what the person’s self-talk is saying. There is a cognitive dissonance between what we thought or hoped would happen and what has actually occurred. When this dissonance hits our deepest beliefs or hopes than it can be devastating.

Of course, in the case of “natural’ disasters such as tsunamis, floods, cyclones, blizzards, fires, storms etc this cognitive dissonance is relatively easy to deal with. There is generally plenty of media exposure in relation to these and everyone is confronted with horrific pictures of what has occurred. But most people don’t experience their adversity from such events. For most of us adversity primarily comes with the unexpected illness or death of a loved one; from the break up of a marriage or other relationship; from the failure of our own or someone else’s business and similar events that shatter our personal world but which are hidden from general view. These are the ones that are hardest to deal with – and these are the ones from which denial is most likely to arise.

The first step to moving forward is acceptance of reality. Acknowledge what has occurred and accept that it’s a lousy situation with which you have to deal.

Don’t try to source blame – looking back won’t help

There’s an old song “We said we wouldn’t look back”. It’s a good message. The temptation is to find someone to blame.

While understanding (if possible) what has occurred and why it has occurred can be a very helpful learning experience – we may learn what not to do next time – finger pointing and blame laying is totally dysfunctional. This is especially true when we are experiencing adversity from issues that were totally beyond our personal control. Laying blame may make us feel better (or not!) but it doesn’t help us move forward.

Complete an inventory of your strengths

What will help us move forward is focusing on what we now need to do. Unless the event causing the adversity has resulted in us experiencing some personal physical or mental disability, we are still the same person that we were before trouble hit. We still have the same strengths as we had before. It is these strengths that we need to harness as we embark on the recovery.

Of course, it’s a lot easier to yield to the temptation of focusing on our weaknesses – giving ourselves reasons for not moving forward. But if we want to deal effectively with diversity we are going to need all of our energies focused on what will move us forward. A great way of doing this is to complete an inventory of everything we can offer to anyone and everyone in our quest for renewal. What have we got within us that we can use - NOW!

When you’ve done this summarise your strengths in a short sentence or clause. Put in writing both your strengths and your summary. Use this as a reference point when you’re feeling “down” so that you are able to give yourself some encouragement when you need it. Focus on your strengths.

Seek and accept support from those who want to help you

We live in a society where individuality is king. For many of us it is a sign of weakness or failure to have to ask for help or support in any way. Yet, as we know from the public response to “natural” disasters, most people are really happy to provide support when they know of a need and the support sought is within their power to give. Also, for most of us, seeking and accepting support when confronted by natural disasters isn’t a problem. There’s plenty of publicity about what has happened and there’s no shame in accepting the help offered.

The situation can be very different when our adversity arises from events about which other people know nothing. For most of us, our natural response is to “put on a brave face” and to try and present to those around a picture of a person in control of his or her own life – a “successful” person who is not staring down the abyss of adversity. After all, this is the way we have been brought up. From early childhood we have probably been told to stand on our own two feet and to do things for ourselves - “don’t rely on other people” was drilled into many of us by our parents and teachers. We feel confused and ashamed to admit we might need help.

Of course, if we are people of some religious faith we may express our need in prayer, but, even then, in most cases we may still need to let other humans know that we need some support – otherwise the data just isn’t out there for those who may be willing and able to help. There’s no disgrace in contacting “Lifeline” or some other agency (religious or non-religious) who are able to help – even if the help is simply the act of listening to you as you work through the issues you are confronting. And you may be surprised at the support that your friends and family may be willing to supply, too. You won’t know until you ask – and when you’re in the really deep do-do, you’ve lost nothing even if their response is “no”!

Be bifocal – try not to lose sight of what you are trying to achieve even as you deal with today’s emergencies

There’s an old saying that, when you’re up to your ass in alligators it’s hard to remember that you came in to clean the swamp. How true!

Of course you must focus on dealing with day-to-day survival. That’s critical. After all, for most of us, there are others who depend on us for their strength and survival. But don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. Set yourself small goals – initially for as short as each day if that helps – and when you’re feeling really down (and you will) look again at your immediate goal and focus on that.

And as time passes, try to set goals for longer periods. Move from 1-day to 2, to 5, to 7. From 1 week to 2 to 4. From 1 month to 2 to 3 etc. Keep the short goals but slowly enmesh them in longer ones – and as you do that, constantly refocus on both when you’re feeling the immediate pressure is getting too much.

Concentrate on how far you have come each day rather than on how far you yet have to go.

Sometimes the enormity of what we are facing seems unsurmountable. We look at the magnitude of the issue and are overwhelmed. We look at everything that needs to be done in order to resolve whatever the issue is, and we’re thrown into despair. Especially when we reach “death valley” – the stage at which no matter what we do, everything seems to be getting worse – its easy to give up the struggle.

But you can succeed!

Keep a record of what you have accomplished – not a record of the struggles and failures. Make your goals in writing and tick them off as they are attained. It’s a little like learning to walk. As infants, most of us didn’t just move from crawling to standing upright and boldly striding across the floor. We struggled to stand up. We struggled to take our first step. And we fell over – often! But we made it! And central to making it was the encouragement we received from the sense of achievement that we felt from every small success.

See this as a metaphor for the way you deal with adversity. Accept that you are going to struggle at times. Accept that you are going to fall over at times. But concentrate on what has been achieved and use that as an impetus to the next step.

Adversity! It sucks. Yet most of us experience it from time to time. Trying to run away from it doesn’t help – ultimately the hole only gets bigger until there is no way out. But by facing it and following some simple steps I’ve found that it can be dealt with. Hopefully the things that have worked for me may be of assistance to you, too.

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Article Tags: adversity, crisis, dealing with adversity, depression, natural disasters, simple steps, steps for success, stress, stress management



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