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Third Generation Leadership – a different way of listening

Guest post by: Douglas Long

Article Overview: Authentic and strong attention on another and for them is the underlying social mechanism that triggers engagement – and engagement with both the work to be done and with the people involved is what Third Generation Leadership is all about.

Third Generation Leadership – a different way of listening

“Daddy, you’re just not listening!” she cried. This was accompanied with a toss of her head and a stamp of her foot. Then she burst into tears.

I felt awful.

My youngest daughter was about 4 or 5 at the time and she’s well and truly grown up now. I can’t remember what it was she was supposed to have done or not done – that’s not really important anyway - but what still haunts me after the best part of 20 years is that plaintive cry “you’re just not listening!”

I had always prided myself on my ability to hear not only what others were saying but also to understand the feelings behind what was being said. I had trained as a Rogerian Counsellor and I thought I fully understood the whole concept of reflective listening and non-directive counselling – after all, this was the key approach I took in counselling situations. But her message was clear – she wasn’t getting through to me.

It was this cry that started me on a journey to discover a lot more of what listening was all about and how I could become a better listener. Over recent years I have become increasingly aware that it is the concept of listening per se that lies at the absolute heart of Third Generation Leadership.

Third Generation Leadership uses two key listening approaches:

1. Observation: listening with the purpose of reflecting back to the speaker what you see and hear. This shifts leader’s attention away from internal processing (e.g. analysis, judgement and assumptions) i.e. away from the leader’s own thinking and it ensures that the leader stops doing what is least useful
2. Optimism: listening with the belief that the answer will emerge from the speaker. This focuses the attention of the leader to the speaker’s thinking - because that is the only way to solve the problem and it ensures that the leader starts doing what is most useful

The reason this works is because authentic and strong attention on another and for them is the underlying social mechanism that triggers engagement – and engagement with both the work to be done and with the people involved is what Third Generation Leadership is all about. More recently someone else, a person named Adam Kahane[1] has developed this even further. Kahane helps us understand that listening has four levels:

• Downloading – listening from within our own story. We are deaf to other stories and only hear that which confirms our own story.

• Debating – listening from the outside, objectively like a judge.

• Reflective Dialogues – listening to ourselves reflectively and listening to others empathetically.

• Generative Dialogue – listening not only from within ourselves or from within others, but from the whole of the system.

What Kahane made me realise is that the listening I was using reflective dialogue with my daughter – and this wasn’t giving her the sort of listening that she needed.

When I look at most leaders today I see a lot of downloading. In this type of listening the leader seeks to maintain control over the entire process. The leader sees his or her role as being the decision maker who is “in charge” and we are not really interested in any views which run counter to that which we think or have decided to do. Classic examples of this are found in the whole imbroglio of the decisions by the United States and its allies to invade first Iraq and then Afghanistan coupled with the current stand-offs with Iran. It is also seen in the Israeli-Palestinian “peace” process. Probably the best known example of this was the era of McCarthyism in the USA – an example with startling similarities to today’s reaction to the possible threat of terrorist attacks. Effectively in this approach a leader can fall into the trap of communicating to others: “My mind’s made up – don’t confuse me with the truth!”

The second most common form of listening I see today is that of debating. This is where the listening is almost an intellectual exercise – both parties have their own views and can and do argue their case without much real intention of changing their minds. Here the listening is done primarily so that I can agree with certain points you make so that I can make a counter argument to any of your points with which I disagree.

Neither of these types of listening are the dominant ones in Third Generation Leadership. However simply abstaining from using these does not make a person a Third Generation Leader – getting rid of what we don’t want is nowhere near the same as getting what we do want!

The starting point for Third Generation Leadership listening is reflective dialogues. This is the sort of listening I was using with my daughter and it is the listening that forms the basis of non-directive counselling. In this sort of listening I am very aware of both what the other person is saying and feeling as well as what I am saying and feeling. It is focusing on the other person but in such a way that the listener may still feel he or she is overall control of the discussion – I may well choose what I feed back to the speaker. In other words, consciously or unconsciously, I may filter what is being said and I may allow that filter to influence my listening.

It is when we get to the level of generative dialogue that we really start to embrace Third Generation Leadership listening. At this stage the listener has gained control of the filter mechanism in such a way as to ensure that it doesn’t intrude on the totality of understanding. At this point the listener is no longer trying to resolve problems or provide answers. At this point the listener believes that the solutions to any problem are available in the collective wisdom of speaker(s) and listener(s) and that the role of the listener is to create the environment for such solutions to emerge.

Leadership ought to be primarily about relationships. I know that this is often said, but if you believe the media and the populist press, it seems that those who are designated “leaders” are far more likely to be into control, power, money, and “success” than they are into relationships. In other words, in a world where the words relate to Third Generation Leadership, the behaviour continues to be that of First Generation or Second Generation Leadership. For relationships to be positive—in other words for Third Generation Leadership to exist — there are four essential ingredients:

• Congruence

• Unconditional positive regard

• Empathy

• Learning from others

Third Generation Leadership listening – the implementation of generative dialogue – is a powerful tool for bringing this about.

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Article Tags: blue zone, Carl Rogers, generative dialogue, Kahane, listening, nonreflective counselling, Third Generation Leadership



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