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Drop the Toxic Label for Healthier Relationships at Work

Guest post by: Rick Kirschner

Article Overview: Don't let anyone tell you otherwise: The labels we apply to people have a direct impact on the way we interact with them, and the way we interact with them determines how they react to us and what results we get with them.

Drop the Toxic Label for Healthier Relationships at Work

For example, when people label others as ‘toxic,’ the label is discouraging, and the person wielding it may disempower themselves and lose access to their own communication resources. Saying another person is ‘toxic’ is less about the person being labeled and more about the reaction of the person applying the label. If you ever hope to solve your people problems, negative reactions to bad behavior are the more pressing problem to deal with first.

The patterns of difficult behavior cross cultural lines and national boundaries, and reveal the shared humanity of people everywhere. And the way you respond to difficult behavior makes all the difference.

Based on the research I've done, I've come to the conclusion that there are three domains of interaction in play when dealing with difficult people. First is mindset, both yours and theirs. Next is your skillfulness with communication. Third, there's the larger context within which your interactions take place. Each of these domains provides you with a real opportunity to change the relationship for the better.

What you think about people determines how you react, relate and deal with them. Your mindset is reflected in what you tell yourself about them, the things that you believe are absolutely true about them, and the way you define your problem with them to yourself. I've observed that the frame of reference most people use with difficult people is one of self-justifying negative labels, a counter-productive frame of reference that plays a significant role in their bad results in dealing with pushy, negative, disruptive and wishy-washy behavior.

Most books and writers on the subject of problem people have an unfortunate habit of assigning these negative labels and bad intentions to people behaving badly, ‘them,’ while largely holding those of us who must deal with bad behavior as victims regardless of how we go about it. The fact is, once you label someone as ‘toxic’ or ‘mean,’ ‘resistant to change,’ ‘uncaring’ or ‘stupid,’ your behavior must inevitably be organized around your reaction to the label, rather than the person.

Don't get me wrong. Bad behavior has real consequences, and there are also damaging side effects on morale, productivity and teamwork. I’m certainly not minimizing the damage done by difficult behavior, because these are significant problems. But adding insult to injury is not the answer. The first problem is that the person labeling the bad behavior as toxic winds up connecting to their own bad reactions. That makes them less likely to be resourceful and succeed in bringing out the best in people at their worst. And the only payoff is they get to be right about who is wrong, as the situation goes from bad to worse.

I've found a better approach to bad behavior than blaming people and calling them toxic.

1. Change your mindset. Choose instead to assume something useful, like assuming that since all behavior is purposeful, there must be a good reason (in their mind) for their bad behavior.

Bad behavior is what you can expect any time a person feels overwhelmed and out of options in dealing with a changing and uncontrollable world. It’s what people do when they perceive that their good intentions are being thwarted by the behavior of others, and they run out of ways to deal with it. And everyone becomes someone’s difficult person at least some of the time. It's obvious when the problem becomes full blown and people act out, becoming pushy, negative, disruptive, vague, self absorbed, or completely withdrawn. It's less obvious when the bad behavior is just getting started. But if you assume something useful about the person, whether the behavior is just starting or well underway, you'll find that your mindset can help you make a difference.

2. Change your approach. Approach bad behavior strategically, based on useful assumptions and skillful responses. An effective communicator is persuasive and proactive, rather than defensive and reactive. Know what you want, develop a strategy to get there, and start taking steps forward.

Now there are exceptions when it comes to this approach, such as when your problem person has a substance abuse problem, or is in some other way truly mentally disturbed (manic depressive, malignantly narcissistic, etc.) In such cases, you probably aren’t equipped with the time, interest or skills to interact with such problem behaviors effectively. But even then, changing your mind about the reasons for someone's bad behavior is still a good first step. Stop taking it personally, and it won’t be so ‘toxic’ to you. And in this case, step two is get help. Professional support for yourself, professional intervention for the person demonstrating the problem. Where no help is available, your best bet is to keep your distance and/or get as far away as fast as possible.

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Article Tags: labels, relationships, toxic label



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