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Behavioural Intelligence – Attack Defend Behaviour in Negotiating

Guest post by: Clive Hook

Article Overview: Learning the art of negotiating includes examining in detail your own behaviour and being able to make conscious, informed choices about what to do or say next. Behavioural Intelligence is about self regulation or self control - particularly in the face of conflict, disagreement or even attack by the other side. The golden rule for the professional is not to get into the Attack/Defend game or spiral. In Behavioural Intelligence we are very clear; you can control your own behaviour if you choose to. It is never true that others make you say or do something - you make that choice.

Behavioural Intelligence – Attack Defend Behaviour in Negotiating

Learning the art of negotiating includes examining in detail your own behaviour and being able to make conscious, informed choices about what to do or say next. Behavioural Intelligence is about self regulation or self control - particularly in the face of conflict, disagreement or even attack by the other side. The same is true for leaders and anyone who has to bring about change or influence outcomes. The reaction people have to new circumstances will almost certainly include objections and different viewpoints.

Studies and books such as “Getting To Yes” by Ury and Fisher have taught me one of the most important things I have learned in my years at the negotiation table. “Yield to principle but never yield to pressure” means not being pressurised by the other side or by a feeling that you must reach agreement by a certain deadline. Sometimes the pressure is self induced - not wanting to fail, not wanting to lose not wanting to lose face, not wanting to look weak or stupid. All of these are mind games that the professional negotiator learns to recognise and ignore.

So the pressure of disagreement is a central force to recognise. If there was no disagreement there would be nothing to negotiate. In Behavioural Intelligence terms it is very important to be clear, though, on what Disagreeing looks like and what it can easily be confused with, namely Attack/Defend. In our classification of behaviours developed from the valuable work of Neil Rackham we distinguish the following:-

Disagreeing - Making a declaration of disagreement with an idea, proposal or statement put forward by another person.

Attack/Defend - Directing attack at another person, usually including a direct or implied value judgment about that person.

So, there is a fundamental difference. One is aimed at the idea or concept, the other is aimed at the person. The golden rule for the professional is not to get into the Attack/Defend game or spiral. In Behavioural Intelligence we are very clear; you can control your own behaviour if you choose to. It is never true that others make you say or do something - you make that choice. So you not only don’t do Attack/Defend, you don’t respond to Attack/Defend either. Your intention should always be to reach a wise outcome and that means bringing the conversation back to a place that helps that happen, not dissolves into points scoring.

A brief cultural note here. British, Irish and some American and European cultures often use a form of Attack/Defend behaviour as humour. This is particularly true of male groups. A gentle jibe like “Oh come on Pete tell us something new, watching paint dry is more interesting” can work in an established relationship but can sound much more serious and value laden in negotiation - and if you have other cultures present this can be seriously misunderstood.

Other articles will look at the techniques we use in Behavioural Intelligence for Disagreeing but central to your professionalism is avoiding Attack/Defend behaviour.

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Article Tags: behavioural intelligence, emotional intelligence, influencing skills, negotiation skills



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