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GIVING UP ON BEING PERFECT (Letting Go To Become Yourself)

Guest post by: James Ladd

Article Overview: A more accurate way of saying; “giving up on being perfect,” would be to say; “what do we have to do before we will accept ourselves?” The picture each of us has about him or herself is a portrait based largely on information provided to us by our social experiences. We are almost constantly adding information from our environment about the effects of our attitudes and behaviour on others and their reactions to us. Such social reactions form the basis for our feelings about other people and help us develop our view of what each of us is like as a person. For many years psychologists have been interested in the role of the self-image in personality development. How much and how well we accept what we see as our “self,” is an important part of our emotional health.

GIVING UP ON BEING PERFECT (Letting Go To Become Yourself)

A more accurate way of saying; “giving up on being perfect,” would be to say; “what do we have to do before we will accept ourselves?”

The picture each of us has about him or herself is a portrait based largely on information provided to us by our social experiences. We are almost constantly adding information from our environment about the effects of our attitudes and behaviour on others and their reactions to us. Such social reactions form the basis for our feelings about other people and help us develop our view of what each of us is like as a person. For many years psychologists have been interested in the role of the self-image in personality development. How much and how well we accept what we see as our “self,” is an important part of our emotional health.

Most people it seems have an average level of self-acceptance. And the thing about an average level of self acceptance is that you’re just neurotic enough to care what others are thinking, particularly about you!

An average level of self-acceptance varies with your roles in life. This means that you may confront a situation one day in which you bubble with confidence, and yet feel that you could have done better in a different situation the next day. This level of self-acceptance describes the way most of us are, praising ourselves one moment, condemning ourselves the next. For most of us, this is an accurate reflection of our skills and our striving to do better.

Now understand, my definition of neurotic may chafe a little and certainly is a bit off center, but rather is and ‘only’ somewhat in jest; “a person who at times becomes too preoccupied with their behaviour and how it may be seen or is seen by others.” As a result of this preoccupation, may suffer with a variety of familiar ailments (I’m talking here to all you mildly neurotic people in the crowd in particular), which include but are not restricted to; worry/anxiety, depression, headaches, upset stomach, unrealistic thinking, and difficulty concentrating to name but a few.



Welcome to the club, support group meetings will be held every Wednesday evening…..JUST KIDDING!

So than, it’s not so much the average level of self-acceptance per say, as it is the ‘degree’ of personal suffering you inflict upon yourself striving to be what you perceive others to see as valuable, worthy, important.

* * * * * * *

Now before we go any further, I feel compelled to deal with what I consider to be a mis-conception today that is this whole idea that we are all indoctrinated of programmed to attain perfection in everything we do. That may have been ‘more’ true of past generations (matures 65+, boomers 46-64 and generation X 31-45 to some extent), but from my vantage point today, especially in our schools, amongst the current crop of young people, the whole idea of perfection or being the best seems to have been replaced with mediocrity or just average as being encouraged or acceptable. Apparently, this is done so as not to damage the self-esteem of those unable or unwilling to keep up. That approach is certainly paying off isn’t it!

Mediocrity Perfection

I’m not sure what is worse; promoting mediocrity at one end or perfection at the other?

* * * * * * *

Essentially then, trying to always be perfect is all about what you feel/think you must do before you feel or think others will accept you, and in that process what you must do before you are able to accept yourself.

Measuring ourselves against others has been an all too common practice between the generations and society in general, and given way to much importance in defining what each of us believes we must do or be in order to be successful. James Ladd

If you can find the courage to interrupt and ‘STOP’ this incredibly unhealthy way of operating in the world, take responsibility for your life and begin to start telling yourself the truth about what you have been doing up until now and what you should be doing moving forward, then you will find your way to a profound truth about the real secret to living!

“THAT SECRET IS TO FIND AND PURSUE YOUR TRUE LIFE PURPOSE AND TO EXTEND YOURSELF OUT INTO THE WORLD IN LOVE.” Everything else; keeping up with the Joneses, power, position, living in the best neighborhood, joining the best club, fast cars, money, expensive cloths, are merely distractions intended to cloud the waters, slow you down and draw you into what ultimately proves to be a hollow, empty obsession and away from finding your way HOME. Realizing this frees you to find the courage to look within and discover the very source of your inner strength and turn around and stretch to the very limits of your true essence in the pursuit of your life purpose.

FINDING YOUR PURPOSE

If you have arrived here and are saying; “okay, Coach Ladd is making some sense, how do I find my life purpose,” I have some suggestions.

First, find out who you are now; what does your personality best suit you for, what do you value above all else, where would Abraham Maslow place you on his need hierarchy if you sat down with him and answered a few of his questions.

Second, take stock, what have you accumulated up until now, what have you accomplished, how does it feel, who are your friends, does you family love you.

Next, a bit of a look at how you managed to arrive at this place in time; what impact did your first family experiences have upon you, who influenced you as you were growing up, any trauma in your life.

Answering these questions equips you with the self-awareness necessary to begin to hone in on what makes the most sense for your life. It provides a road map for you to now “map-out” your journey; the goals and action plans that will carry you toward the fulfillment of your life purpose.

Abraham Maslow, along with giving us his hierarchy of needs also said that there is nothing better to boost your self esteem than the setting and achieving of meaningful, realistic goals in your life.

But be very careful, if you want to stay motivated you must always remember to stay congruent with your personality style, values, and needs.

And finally, remember me mentioning that you should; “extend yourself out into the world in love,” in other words beyond what all of this good stuff does for you, how will it impact your family, friends and community?

We’re almost home now, just a few more points; remember back about half a page ago, I made the point about taking responsibility and telling yourself the truth? Taking responsibility and telling yourself the truth, is part of Scott Peck’s definition of living a disciplined life. His definition also includes delaying gratification; doing the tough stuff first and keeping the easier or fun stuff for later as well as keeping your life in balance in the four dimensions of self; physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.

It is about trying as much as possible to keep yourself in balance in the four dimensions of life; by yourself, with others, at work and away from work. To be sure this is very difficult to do but worth the effort. Remember that it is about the journey and not the destination. The value is always in the trying and the effort.

This past weekend as reported in the Globe and Mail an amazing man by the name of David Dore was inducted into the Skate Canada Hall of Fame (May 2010) and was quoted as saying; “I just want people to understand that you don’t have to be the best at something to get something done,” simple, profound words. Take them to heart.

In the Ricky Nelson song Garden Party are the lyrics;

I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends

A chance to share old memories and play our songs again

When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name

No one recognized me, I didn't look the same

But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.

You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself

The message of Ricky’s song seems quite clear; that people remember your name but not your face when you are not congruent with the essence of who you. In discovering this he realizes the importance of being true to yourself above all else.

So, as the dust settles around my philosophical musings for this month, let me remind you that this is the journey that I take with all of my clients who have made a courageous choice to seek out and work toward their life purpose.

Coach Ladd

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Article Tags: dimensions of self, Hierarchy of needs, Maslow, selfesteem, selfimage



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