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Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real - A Book Review
| Guest post by: Bradley Foster |
Article Overview: Being Genuine is simply stated, one of the best books I have read all year. It very clearly and effectively conveys a process for communicating with others in a genuine and non-judgmental way. Anyone who learns and practices his four simple steps will quickly discover that their everyday communication becomes clearer, less judgmental and less conflictual because they are taking responsibility for their feelings and actions and creating a space to connect. I have never come across an easier way to show people how they can get their needs met without fear of conflict.
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Free Download - Hold Me Tight – Book Review By Bradley Foster |
Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real - A Book Review
Being Genuine is one of the best books I have
read all year. It very clearly and effectively conveys a process for
communicating with others in a genuine and non-judgmental way. Thomas D’Ansembourg
is a student of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication Process but
rather than simply restating Rosenberg’s
principles, he enhances and adds a new dimension to non-violent communication based
on his experience as a psychotherapist and youth counselor. Anyone who learns
and practices his four simple steps will quickly discover that their everyday
communication becomes clearer, less judgmental and less conflictual because
they are taking responsibility for their feelings and actions and creating a space
to connect. I have never come across an easier way to show people how they can
get their needs met without fear of conflict.
Originally
published in France in 2001,
the English translation has only recently been published in North
America. As D’Ansembourg cares deeply about the language he uses,
the book is beautifully and elegantly written, a joy to read with a terrific
translation. He wears several hats at appropriate times in the book. As a
psychotherapist he delves into the psychology of why and how we become
disassociated from ourselves. Being nice is a function of neglecting our needs,
of not listening to ourselves so we can fulfill the needs of others. As a
philosopher, D’Ansembourg examine larger theoretical issues of the individual
in society and the meaning and value we place on language. As a coach, he is
gentle and thoughtful but persistent as he guides us through our confusion and
anxiety with practical, easy to follow steps and appropriate actions.
As one who
reads a lot of self help books (and contributed to the genre) I am happy to say
that this book is a cut above the rest. The principles he outlines are so basic
and so crucial to good communication, every child should be taught them at an
early age. He makes the point that if a fraction of military budgets were
devoted to teaching communication skills, there would be fewer conflicts and
less crimes of aggression. So go our priorities. The basic problem is more of
us are taught to ‘be nice’ rather than to be genuine. The result is that we
grow up servicing the needs of others and even when we know something is wrong,
we lack the language and the skills to be our authentic selves. As a coach I
see this “servicing” behavior all too often. Having a resource like Being Genuine makes my task of
transforming clients easier.
I can best
describe Being Genuine as a highly
readable manual of authentic communication, full of examples, theory and
genuine warmth. D’Ansembourg describes the four steps:
Observation: We are reacting to something we observe, we hear, or we’re saying
to ourselves
Feeling: The
above observation generates within us one or more feelings.
Need: The
feelings guide us to our needs.
Request: Aware
now of our needs, we can make a request or implement concrete action.
That’s it.
Nothing more, nothing less. The trick for the learner of being genuine is to
break free of old beliefs and patterns but this can be done with a bit of
awareness and some practice. D’Ansembourg believes that what passes today for
communication is aggressive and violent. For instance when judgments and blame
come up, it’s like slamming a door in the conversation. The receiver of this
treatment usually responds defensively and often returns the blame and
aggression. His method of communication is like opening a door and inviting
your partner through it to come in and have a chat by the fire. But rather than
waiting on them hand and foot, it’s about articulating your needs and feelings
to help ensure that you get seen by the other. If their needs are not the same
as yours then a compromise can be negotiated, but this is only possible when
each side is aware of each other’s needs.
Although his
respectful techniques may be a bit too touchy-feely for the office bully, the
spirit of his teaching can easily be adapted and integrated into a clearer
awareness of how humans communicate or more likely, fail to communicate. I have
integrated D’Ansembourg’s simple and effective techniques into my coaching with
great success, especially for clients who have spent too much of their lives
being nice at their own expense. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to
learn how to communicate authentically or to any professional who is in the
business of working with clients who can use a boost in the communication area,
which in my experience is just about everyone.
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About the Author: Bradley Foster RSS for Bradley's articles - Visit Bradley's website I offer professional coaching services in the following areas: career/executive/business/leadership/life/writing/relationships and creativity. I help individuals and executives define and get in step with their stated goals and values. I'm an experienced coach, having worked with hundreds of clients over the past five years, coming to coaching from a business background and as a trained therapist. My clients and I work to close the gap between who or what they say they are, or want to be, and who or what they actually are now, as expressed by their actions. I'm also a writer, and communications consultant. I have published dozens of articles in North American newspapers, websites and magazines and for Reuters and Thomson Newspapers over the past twenty years. I published a book on self-coaching with co-author, psychologist and coach, Dr. Stephen Renfrey, called Deep Coaching: A Guide to Self Directed Living. I am currently writing a book on creative life strategies. I write a monthly career column called Ask The Coach in Job Postings magazine. I also write articles and have a blog I update every week. I recently published an article on the boundary between therapy and coaching in Choice Magazine, the premier coaching journal. I am a successful entrepreneur, business development executive, and business and communication consultant before turning to executive and life coaching full-time. I have an MA from The University of Toronto and a Bachelor of Science from the McGill University. I also attended The Ontario College of Art, Columbia University and I have a three year certificate in Leadership and Psychotherapy from the Gestalt Institute of Toronto. I received coach training from the Gestalt Institute and the Coach Training Institute. The breadth of my experience and the training I've done ensures that you'll get insight, clarity and direction from me. Click here to visit Bradley's website   Are Your Beliefs Holding You Back Are you at the top of your Agenda Hold Me Tight Book Review SelfDiscipline A Balancing Act Authentic Leadership |
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- Hi OmnivoreInk,
Before starting my business, I read the following books as research:
-"The Art of the Start" by Guy Kawasaki
-"The AdSense Code" by Joel Comm
-"Don't Think Pink" and "Mind Your X's and Y's" by Lisa Johnson
And since then I've continued my "research" by reading (in this order):
-"Technical Tennis" by Rod Cross
-"For One More Day" by Mitch Albom
-"The Twits" by Roald Dahl
-"Little Black Book of Connections" by Jeffrey Gitomer
-"The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne
-"The Profitable Retailer" by Doug Fleener
-"Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell
-"Little Gold Book of YES! Attitude" by Jeffrey Gitomer
-"The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" by C.S. Lewis
-"Little Green Book of Getting Your Way" by Jeffrey Gitomer
-"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" by J.K. Rowling
And I'm currently reading and am in the process of finishing the following:
-"There's No Such Thing as Public Speaking" by Jeanette and Roy Henderson
-"The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell
-"The Book of Tells" by Peter Collett
-"Little Red Book of Sales Answers" by Jeffrey Gitomer
-"Chocolates on the Pillow Aren't Enough: Reinventing The Customer Experience" by Jonathan M. Tisch
-"The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity" by Julia Cameron
-"The Inner Game of Tennis" by Timothy Gallwey
Re: MUST READ: Rules & Guidelines for Review My...
- David,
Nice site, you've obviously put a lot of time and thought into it.
Would you repost this as a new topic? This thread is actually for the guidelines for Review My....
You'll get more exposure and comments by starting your own topic.
I'll edit and redirect to the new topic if you like.
I've some comments about your site I'll post after you start your own.
Cheers,
Zac
Re: Top 50 Lists
- Hi Evan,
How about "Top 50":
-Inventor Blogs To Watch
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Re: What is your biggest challenge? Today?
- [quote="GT Bulmer":10b1rb6o]sounds like keeping one foot on the dock and one in the boat, doesn't it?) I've had suggestions of interest from other high profile potential clients but I have chosen not to pursue them at this time.[/quote:10b1rb6o]
Hi GT,
Who knows, perhaps you'll need to take that leap of faith and "burn your bridges" (of escape/going back) like Dale Carnegie suggests in "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" to get to the next level and reach your income goal.
Complacency and comfort can be death.
Re: Awol In London
- That's a good suggestion by David to put a 100 day lock on posts, or maybe 1 calendar year then surely no-one can argue with that because as David has said, we need to keep the forum current and to give it a buzz. Genuine members would I think welcome that.
Another thing maybe to consider it not allowing two consecutive comments on the same post by the same member. I've seen that lately and when we have an edit button on every post there is absolutely no need to do that if you think of something just after a comment. Placing numerous comments on a post in reply to other members is great and what keeps the forum buzzing and we need that.
regards,
Mal.
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