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Guest post by: Scot Reid Become an Author

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In conversation, wether it be in person, on the phone or with the computer; how many of us are actually listening? We see people talking face to face while texting someone else, some are walking, shopping, eating, working or hanging from a rope off a ledge (you name it) while talking on their cell. I’ve seen people texting while talking on a phone, and with someone face to face while driving a car. We have all experienced talking with someone whose mind wonders or is thinking of what to say rather than listening; interrupting or filling any opening with talk. Does this sound familiar? Yes, I often do this as well.

We think more about talking and being heard than we do about listening? My question is this; who’s listening to you? Isn’t it a paradox that we all have so many important things to say but few are willing to actually listen? What’s the point of saying anything if no one's listenIng?

Now imagine if you’re one of the few who actually listened. Not simply hearing one out of every ten words. You actually walk away from the conversation knowing how the person thinks, feels and believes. Think of the influence one could have on you personally if they really listened? As a listener, you would be rare with few rivals. Moreover, you would become even more intelligent given the insight gained from listening. However, this will take practice and a willingness to remain silent; let’s talk about how it’s done – are you listening? The three practice skills of listening are positioning, attentiveness and acknowledgement.

Place yourself in a position to listen: A listener sets the tone of the conversation by how they respond to the speaker. They first position themselves close to the speaker, either face to face or side by side with little distractions (i.e. cell phone, MP3 player, computer or any kind of interruptions). Keep your hands free of objects and let the speaker have your full attention. You may even need to schedule a separate time to talk; make that determination early to judge what’s needed. Once in position to listen, you don’t need to stare them down with eye contact, do what feels natural and comfortable with the eyes; no one likes to be stared at?

Be attentive by remaining silent: As the individual speaks, remain quiet and listen to what they are saying and how they are saying it. This also means to keep your mind quiet from wandering thoughts and responses. Clear your mind and focus on their facial expression, body position, movement of their hands and feet, tone of their voice, their eyes and mouth. All these expressions provide valuable information about what they are saying and how they’re feeling. Resist the tendency of giving unnecessary verbal responses. You know the ones; the occasional Ah Huh, Oh Really, Wow, You’re Kidding Me, Are You Serious, Hum. I recognize you may think these sounds help the listener feel that you’re listening; but they’re empty sounds that have little meaning; in fact if you’re really paying attention to all that’s mentioned, you won’t feel the need to make those gestures. Try it and you will begin to notice others when they make these same sounds; even while appearing disinterested in the conversation. In addition, parroting back what they said is not necessary; this should only be used if you need to clarify a task or instruction. Moreover, don’t be afraid of the sound of silence. It may seem to last forever, but great insight often comes after a moment of silence.

Acknowledgment: Sometime during the conversation, you will get a sense of how the person is feeling. This is a good time to acknowledge that you understand. You may say; “this seems frustrating to you”, “you appear to be upset by this” or “you seem hurt by this”. As you speak, avoid fluctuations in the tone and volume of your voice while avoiding facial expressions. Think of someone making the statement "it's raining outside"; this is simply a fact. So to practice, speak the words “it’s raining outside” with no voice fluctuations or emotion. Now use the same method to say “this seems frustrating to you”. The purpose for this is that good listeners do not shut down the person by appearing judgmental, and the use of expressions are often misunderstood. If you don’t believe me, try say “you seem hurt by this” with a big smile on your face and then wait for the reaction. Acknowledging the feelings of the individual will often increase the level of trust as a listener and invite them to open up in more depth and detail.

While this practice may not be practical in everyday conversation, there are circumstances in which being an effective listener can make a significant impact. As a good listener, you will not only be able to influence people; you will likely help those who silently and unknowingly live in pain because few are willing to listen. I experienced this while traveling on a plane. The conversation began like many others between strangers; then it became more in depth as the individual came to understand that I was actually listening. After a short time, this individual was sharing thoughts and feelings that brought tears to the eyes. Please do not become concerned; you will likely experience this as well given that you will be among the few who really listen – people naturally open up to a listener. You’re not expected to solve, or give advice; your value to this person is simply listening and understanding. This fact alone will provide more help, encouragement, motivation and even happiness than you may realize; and yes, some professions even charge for this but that’s not what we’re talking about.

Know that silently listening is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of intelligence, confidence and power. For the greatest of all happens to be a listener.

Scot Reid

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