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100% Responsible Listening Turns Fantasy into Reality

Written by: Peter deLisser

Article Overview: Published in International Listening Association’s THE LISTENING PROFESSIONAL. Skilled Listening IS the difference between Fantasy and Reality.

100% Responsible Listening Turns Fantasy into Reality

Most listening is fantasy because 95% of us make up what we think people say. Where did I get the 95%? I get it every time I conduct a team building or communications skills workshop and I ask this question-" How many of you have ever taken a two hour skill practice course in listening?" Whether it's a team of Senior Executives, group of Sales Managers or First Line Supervisors, an Elementary School Superintendent's staff or a group of Parents, the response can vary from 0 to 4 or 5. I once conducted a listening workshop for 88 Finance Managers. Two people put up their hands!

People often challenge my suggestion by saying people know how to listen even if they have never taken a skill practice course. True - if they grew up in a family that listened. When people who have never taken a practice course tell me they know how to listen, I ask them to describe the fundamentals they use when listening. They usually give me a blank stare or respond with "eye contact" or "nodding my head"-neither of which are listening fundamentals.

Turning fantasy into reality requires skilled listening - listening when people consciously choose the fundamentals needed to understand what someone had said. As a comparison of fundamentals a skilled piano player reading a musical score doesn't play a C cord when the score requires a B flat. Or in golf I may have 14 clubs in my bag, but if I am in deep grass, the Wedge is only club to use. Whether it is music or golf or listening, it is essential to use the right fundamental at the right time.

Before I describe the 5 listening fundamentals used for specific situations, let's confirm definitions of Listening, Fantasy and Reality. Because of Robert Frost's definition of Education as "the ability to listen to almost anything without losing our temper or self confidence", I now define Responsible Listening as "verbal feedback I give to people without losing my temper or my self-confidence". Here are examples:

Listening is Verbal Feedback

Reflects Back Body/Facial Gestures (55% of each message)

• (Looked at watch) Do you have enough time to complete this discussion?

• (Rolled eyes) I'd like to ask you a question. Was what I said clear to you?

Confirms the Emotional Tone of Voice (38% of each message)

• I didn't realize you were so mad.
• I had no idea I disappointed you.

Clarifies the Words (7% of each message)

• I'd like to ask a question about ...
• I'd like to clarify two things you just said ...
• I want to be sure I understand when you said ....

When we listen to people -and particularly if we lose our temper or self-confidence, we create Fantasies. Fantasy is defined as "abnormal or bizarre sequences of mental images". For example, once when coaching a Senior Executive in listening, he asked me "How do people react to the concept of 100% listening?" Three bizarre thoughts exploded in my mind:

1) He doesn't believe its practical

2) He is afraid to tell people what he's practicing

3) He's worried it will be too difficult to learn

Fighting off those bizarre images, I used 2 of our 5 listening fundamentals to respond to his question. I first made a Statement to prove to him I heard his question. "Some people think listening is a life long habit, thus difficult to change." Then I used the second fundamental. I asked a Question. "Why do you want to know how people react to 100% Responsible Listening?"

His answer, "I was wondering whether it would have saved by marriage?"

Obviously there was a big gap between my fantasies and his reality, and we can only bridge the gaps between our Fantasies and peoples' Realities if we listen with the correct fundamental at the correct time-skillfully.

Below are the five 100% Responsible Listening fundamentals I preach and teach.

Each fundamental is demonstrated as a listening response to an individual who just made the statement: "Listening is a Wonderful Skill"

1) Make a Statement

There is no question it is a wonderful skill.

2) Ask A Real Question

But I am curious. Why has listening been wonderful for you?

3) Confirm Emotion

Your excitement about listening is infectious.

4) Clarify Non-Verbals

The big smile on your face confirms your enthusiasm.

5) Transition Statement

It is a wonderful skill and I wonder what you think about speaking skills.

Listening is what I say to people to prove I heard what they said. It adds no new information. It allows me to stop my mind from creating fantasies. It forces me to honor the other person.

Skilled Listening IS the difference between Fantasy and Reality.

Related Articles
  Salespeople and Their Fantasies
  Leaders Lead, Executives Execute - Responsible Communications Is The Difference
  Using the Law of Attraction to Achieve Success
  The Other Side of the Mountain
  Accept Responsibility in Every Conversation - or Be a Victim

Article Tags: 5 listening fundamentals, skilled communication, verbal feedback



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