Accept Responsibility in Every Conversation - or Be a Victim

Guest post by: Peter deLisser
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What Communication Habit(s) are you Addicted to? - By Peter deLisser

Our choice in every conversation, every day is to accept Responsibility for the result or be a Victim. It is understandable why so often we choose to be a victim.

Communication research gives us three reasons to be a victim:

1) By the time we are 18, we have heard "No" 180,000 times and "Yes" 60, 000

So we start our business career expecting "No".

2) In 80% of conversations, people mentally and verbally judge our character or motivations-"That was a stupid idea." Can't you get anything done on time?"

We spend most of our time mentally and verbally defending/justifying our behaviors.

3) We have 60,000 thoughts in a 24-hour day. Most of them are fantasies

dealing with our past conversations. We have few, new, original thoughts each day.

Accepting Responsibility in Every Conversation Requires Three Skills:

1) Plan Every Conversation. We need to immediately institute a plan as each conversation starts. The plan includes: confirming our objective, negotiating the length of time, expecting disagreements, and anticipating a need to exit if the conversation becomes unproductive. At the end of each conversation, we ask ourselves these questions:

- How did or didn't I reach my objective?

- How can I be responsible, in the next conversation?

2) Speak the Other Person's Language. We need to respect our differences. For example, what if my superior is a result-driven executive who makes quick decisions, with little information, in a short conversation and willingly takes risk WHILE I am thoughtful, creative and only make decisions after gathering all information needed, which takes time and reduces risk. To be responsible, not a victim, I need to speak his language, not mine. I must speak short, provide 1 or 2 important bits of information and do it quickly. Speaking the other person's language to accomplish our objective is the responsible thing to do.

3) Use Responsible Listening To Control the Conversation. When my results-driven executive says, "I don't want any more information, let's decide now," I prove I heard what she said by saying, "I won't give you more information (Listening), just one additional fact. Fact is we'll lose a million dollars if we do this now without research (Speaking)." Listening is acknowledging what the other person said before we speak. Listening requires we earn the right to speak by proving we heard what they said.

Accepting responsibility doesn't mean I win. It means I:

1) Plan Every Conversation

2) Speak The Other Person's Language

3) Control The Conversation - By Listening

Accepting Responsibility for the result of each conversation requires courage and discipline. AND it sure beats being a victim.

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What Communication Habit(s) are you Addicted to? - By Peter deLisser

About the Author: Peter deLisser

RSS for Peter's articles - Visit Peter's website

Peter deLisser is President of Responsible Communications. He provides the ABCs of Leadership for business organizations - Accelerates a Leader's Personal Communications, Builds Productivity in New (and Old) Teams, and Creates 100% Responsible Leadership Meetings - In-Person, Electronically, and Globally.

National Recognition: Fortune Magazine featured Pete in their article "The Executive's New Coach." His book "Be Your Own Executive Coach" was published nationally in 1999, in Japanese 2001, Korean 2006. He built a 14 Person Marketing Team on 5 continents. The International Listening Association named him "2006 Business Listener Of The Year." Also ILA published his articles, "100% Responsibility Turns Fantasy into Reality" and "Give the Gift of Listening".

Clients: His clients are Fortune 500, including BusinessWeek, Philip Morris, Hoffman La Roche, and McGraw-Hill.

Previous Experience: Includes Manager or Human Resources, Executive Outplacement Counseling, National Sales Training Manager, Vice President of Sales. Earlier in his career he coached college football at Williams College and Columbia University.

Click here to visit Peter's website.

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