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My Boss is a "Screamer"

Written by: Peter deLisser

Article Overview: Anyone whose boss is a screamer knows what it feels like to have his/her self-esteem attacked on a daily basis. It is emotionally draining and spiritually de-motivating because tantrums (the things children do when they can't get their way) attack the four elements necessary to build our self-esteem.

My Boss is a "Screamer"

Anyone whose boss is a screamer knows what it feels like to have his/her self-esteem attacked on a daily basis. It is emotionally draining and spiritually de-motivating because tantrums (the things children do when they can't get their way) attack the four elements necessary to build our self-esteem: (1) accomplishing the daily goals and objectives we set; (2) being cared for and valued by people important to us; (3) operating out of our own religious, moral and ethical belief systems; (4) controlling the events and circumstances of our lives. A boss' message like, "Can't anyone in your department do anything right?" sent with strong emotion, attacks our self-esteem in all four elements. Suddenly (1) our personal goals for the day are changed, (2) our confidence in being appreciated by management is threatened, (3) our expectations of being treated with respect are shattered and (4) our control over circumstances of our job is changed. In one shout, the boss disrupts our day, and probably our staff's day, as we scurry around harassing them to overcome the perceived error.

Screaming Is Ineffective Communication

Not to worry! At the moment he or she yells, we can reduce the pressure on us. We remind ourselves that strongly expressed emotions are ineffective communications. To help our boss communicate more effectively we take two steps. First, we sharpen our awareness on the "reality" of the conversation, not the fantasy. The next step is to use communication skills to balance up the conversation.

Awareness of Reality

Being aware of what happens when someone yells will reduce our self-imposed pressures when under attack. Our first recognition is that when our boss raises his voice to a threatening tone, he may be fearful of losing control of the situation. Raised voices may have nothing to do with us, but it is an attempt to regain control of a situation he perceives to be threatening to his goals, objectives or career. Our initial reaction to being yelled at may be to protect ourselves. We fight to control our panic and fears. The best way to avoid our fears is to shift from fantasizing his reasons for yelling to discovering the realities of his communications.

The second awareness, though not easy, is to mentally recognize the moment that he yells - he has a problem, not us. "Can't anyone in your department do anything right?" sounds and feels like an attack, but is actually her way of indicating her fright, disappointment or upset over something that happened to her. We may never know why she's upset, but one guess might be that your department's error embarrassed her with her own boss or client. Whatever the reason, she has a problem she needs to get resolved and she's going about it by communicating in an inappropriate, ineffective way - she yells.

Balancing Up the Communication

Why is yelling ineffective? Because yelling unbalances the level of communication between us. Anytime people misuse their knowledge ("I know more than you do"), power ("I'm the boss"), or strong emotions ("You've caused my problem"), our self-esteem comes under attack. The result is we block, interrupt or misunderstand the communication. It's not easy to hear clearly and still be creative when under attack.

Balancing up the conversation requires the boss to drop her tone of voice to normal range so we can rationally solve the problem. We need to respond to the real message first, not the perceived one. The perceived message, "Can't anyone in your department do anything right?" sent without emotion, really states, "I'm angry and upset with your performance." Unfortunately we cannot control the way she delivers her message, but we can look at her message from a different perspective.

We can balance up the conversation with our response. For example, which response below has a quicker chance of telling him we recognize he is upset: "Whatever we did really has you upset" or "Our department doesn't do things wrong." The first response proves to him we heard his message, acknowledges he is upset, and indicates our willingness to listen. It has a calming effect on him because it signals he is out of control (which he doesn't want to be) and allows him to correct his tone of voice. The second response, "Our department doesn't do things wrong" misses the mark and almost forces him to respond with a second emotional response like, "Yes you do. You screwed up again" etc, which attacks our self-esteem. We have a choice to make when we work for a screamer - to complete conversations with our self-esteem intact and gain accurate information, or feel unappreciated and confused as to the real problems to be solved. Balancing up any conversation requires the other person to drop their tone to a rational range where we can exchange facts, and substitute reality for fantasy

Build Self-esteem in Balanced Conversations

Talking as equals in every conversation solves problems promptly, creates trusting relationships, and at the same time builds self-esteem, for both parties. When we can internalize that a "screaming" boss is only throwing a temper tantrum, we can risk helping him reduce his tone by voicing his upset. Once he/she has reduced their fears and balanced up the conversation, we can talk as equals which will allow us to: (1) accomplish our goals (2) be valued and cared for by people important to us, (3) communicate based on our individual moral, ethical, spiritual standards and (4) control the circumstances of our day.

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Article Tags: build selfesteem, effective ineffective communication



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