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Our Greatest Gift to Ourselves - and Every Other Human Being

Guest post by: Peter deLisser

Article Overview: The greatest gift to ourselves is to be able to Listen to most of the people who judge our characters or give us solutions we didn't ask for, and respond respectfully - at work, and at home. The new definition of Skilled Listening - "It's the SPEAKING we do to prove to people we understand what they said." The article provides exercises for the 4 Fundamentals of S.A.F.E. Listening.

Our Greatest Gift to Ourselves - and Every Other Human Being

Our greatest gift to ourselves and every other human being is to become a Skilled Listener, something only 5% of our population is. What would make becoming a Skilled Listener our greatest gift?

Becoming a Skilled Listening provides us with the freedom to develop the necessary self-esteem needed to reach our highest potential as a human being.

In contrast what would make an Unskilled Listener our greatest threat to our ability to reach our highest potential as a human being?

When communicating with Unskilled Listeners, we experience feelings of inferiority in almost every conversation because most other Unskilled Listeners, in almost every conversation, are trying to change us- to be like them - or at least that's what we hear.

How May Unskilled Listeners Limit Our Growth?

What follows are examples of two of the biggest ways Unskilled Listeners try to change us, thus limiting our growth:

1 - They Judge our Characters

2 - They Give us Unsolicited Solutions

1) Judgments of Our Character May Sound Like These

a- That was a "stupid" question you just asked."

b- You're not a "team" player."

c- You can't be "serious." (Angry)

Judgments of Our Character may be Identified as These:

a - generalizations, usually non-specific

b - opinions of the speaker, not necessarily the truth

c - usually attacks, do not contribute to the conversation

However, we may overcome people's judgments of our character by using

Skilled Listening to request that their:

a - Generalizations become specific

b - Opinions provide proven facts

c - Reflect back their feelings that attack

Our Skilled Listening Responses to Character Judgments might sound like these:

a- "When you call my question stupid, it would be helpful if I could hear specific examples."

b- "Thanks for expressing your opinion. I'd appreciate a few facts to confirm what you mean by saying I'm not a team player."

c- "You seem so angry that I'm having a hard time listening to you."

New Definitionof Skilled Listening

These "listening" statements, in response to people judging our characters, clearly are not the usual definition of listening. The commonly accepted definition of Listening is: "Listening is what we Hear with our ears." Contrary to public opinion, Skilled Listening is, in fact, the Speaking we do to clarify what was said by the other person. This definition will be used throughout the rest of this article

2) Unsolicited Solutions( 2nd Major Roadblock) May Sound Like These

a- "Stop talking until I tell you what you need to know."

b- "Don't ask anymore questions."

c - "Just pick up the phone and tell him to get over here quickly."

Usual Characteristics of Unsolicited Solutions May Be These

a - claims to be smarter

b - attempts to help when help hasn't been requested

c - internal "mental" conversations about their own possible ineffectiveness

Our Skilled Listening Responses to Unsolicited Solutions May Sound Like These

a- "I'll stop talking as soon as I hear what I need to know."

b- "I will continue to ask questions to make sure I understand what you are saying."

c- "I'll be glad to call him and tell him you want him to get here quickly

Because most of us are Unskilled Listeners, we automatically sense people are trying to change us. We may immediately defend ourselves against Judgments of our Characters by Judging them :

a- "I'm not a stupid person, you're the stupid one."

b- "I'm a better team player than you are."

c- "I am serious."

Or we might defend ourselves against Unsolicited Solutions by saying

a- "I'll stop talking when you say something intelligent."

b- "My questions are better than yours."

c- "You pick up the phone and call him yourself."

When we learn to Listen Skillfully to these two communication roadblocks, we will eliminate feeling inferior and be willing to risk the courage necessary to build our self-esteem in every conversation, the greatest gift to ourselves and others.

How Do We Become Skilled Listeners

What then are the fundamentals we need to master to become Skilled Listeners.

Robert Frost ,the great American poet, sets the tone for practicing these fundamentals. He defines: "Education is the ability to Listen to almost Anything without losing our Temper or Self-confidence". Freely translated he is saying our ability to "learn anything new" requires we be so skilled as listeners that we do not allow Judgments of Our Characters Or Unsolicited Solutions to attack our self-esteem. Instead we also turn them into information gathering so we may excel at what we do by adding needed information to become who we are.

S.A.F.E Listening Fundamentals- The Foundation of All Skilled Listening

All Skilled People Consciously Choose the "Right" Listening Fundamental

Turning fantasy into reality requires skilled listening - listening when people

consciously use the fundamentals needed to understand what someone had said.

A professional piano player reading a musical score doesn't play a C cord when the score requires a B flat. When playing golf and you find yourself deep in a sand trap, the wedge is the only club to use. Whether it is mountain climbing or music, golf or listening, it is essential to have the right tools and master their fundamentals so they can be used, at the right time, in the right way.

4 Skilled Fundamentals of S.A.F.E Listening

Listening is "VERBAL" feedback, not hearing.

Listening is what we SAY to confirm that we knowwhat the other person said.

Examples

1) Statement clarifies the words the speaker just said

• I'd like to clarify two things you just said ...

• I want to be sure I understand what you said about..

2) Ask a question to clarify what was said

• What did you mean by .....

• How do you intend to do.......

3) Feeling expressed is confirmed

• I didn't realize you were so mad.

• I had no idea I disappointed you

4) Evaluate Body/Facial Gestures

• When you look at your watch, I wonder if you have enough time to complete this discussion?

• From the look on your face I realize what I said must have been confusing.

Each of the 4 S.A.F.E.fundamentals demonstrated below is a possible listening response (the speaking we do) to an individual who just made the statement: "Listening is a wonderful skill." Note that what the Listener said includes an italicized word or phrase, emotion or body gesture the speaker had used.

Speaker makes a Statement: "Listening is a wonderful skill".

The Listener may respond with one of the S.A.F.E. Listening fundamentals

1) Make a Statement (using the speaker's word/phrase)

• There is no question that it is a wonderful skill.

2) Ask a Real Question

• What makes listening wonderful for you?

3) Feeling expressed is confirmed

• Your excitement about listening is infectious.

4) Evaluate Body/Face Gestures

• The big smile on your face shows me your enthusiasm about listening.

Listening is what WE SAY to people to prove to them that we heard what they said. We add no new information. Skilled Listening allows us to stop our minds from creating fantasies and confirm our understanding of what was just said.

Suggestion-Write below your use of each of the S.A.F.E Listening Fundamentals when responding to a person saying "I think I am A Great Listener!

1) Statement

2) Ask a question

3) Express the Feeling (you heard them used or you guessed they used)

4) Evaluate the Body/Face expression (you guess they may have looked like)

Now that we understand the S.A.F.E. Listening fundamentals, we recommend the implementation of a few quick Action Plans - so as to, at least, confirm our understanding that "Listening Is The Speaking We Do To Prove to The Other Person That We Understand What They Just Said."

Action Plan For 4 Fundamentals of S.A.F.E Listening

a) Discuss with 1 friend and 1 family member the difference you are learning between Speaking and Listening.

b) Every morning twice use "Make a Statement" Listening Fundamental .

c) Every afternoon twice use "Ask A Question" Listening Fundamental

d) Most conversations with Friends "Identify a Feeling" Fundamental

e) Most conversations with Friends "Identify a Body/Facial" Gesture

f) On Friday, Congratulate your self for providing Our Greatest Gift To Ourselves and To Every Other Human Being- Skilled Listening

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Article Tags: communication gift, practice exercises, respectful responses, skilled listener



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