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Who Labeled Your Kids!

Written by: Peter deLisser

Article Overview: "I'm damn mad at you! You're asking me to change three generations of family communications."

Who Labeled Your Kids!

I will never forget the individual who challenged me in the middle of a teambuilding workshop. He interrupted me saying, "I'm damn mad at you." Startled I asked, "Why? What did I do to you?" His response was, "You are asking me to change three generations of family communications." The Next Generation at Home

We unconsciously pass on communication habits from generation to generation. Some are helpful, some are not. An executive consciously used sarcasm in meetings. He was surprised when I told him the Greek word for sarcasm means "cutting flesh." He had grown up in a family where every member of the family - father, mother, sisters, brothers - were good at it. They liked it, they used it. It was the joy of most family reunions! Unfortunately, his cross-functional team hadn't been to a family reunion.

Most of the Type A personalities we have coached have proven to be home-grown. They grow up in families where loving parents remind their children that an A on an exam is not good enough. "You can always do better." There is no doubt Type A's produce business results. They also produce high turnover and low morale for subordinates who "always can do better."

The Next Generation at School

We also unconsciously bring to our workplace communication habits we learned at school, which may have long term effects at work. One example is of an executive who was passed over for the high potential list because he stuttered. When I asked him why he stuttered, he said, "I had poor grades in communications and my teachers urged me not to be shy. They made me make spontaneous speeches." I asked him, "When do you stutter?" His response was, "When I'm unsure of things I'm talking about." Our mandate was "never do that again." We coached him to ask a question of clarification, narrow the discussion to something he knew about, or indicate a lack of current knowledge with, "I'll get the answer for you." Result: no more stuttering.

From Generation to Generation

One day I was holding my one-and-a-half year old granddaughter. My son said to me, "She is shy." My response was, "I think she is aggressive!" When a shocked look appeared on his face, I asked, "What do you mean by shy?" His response was "She doesn't talk very much." I said, "You're right, she doesn't talk very much." He then asked "What do you mean by aggressive?" My response, "Whenever people talk to her, she looks them right in the eyes!" We had started with twovery different labels to describe the same child. We ended up with behavioral descriptions we both understood and could agree to. Hard for a child to react to, "You are shy, you are aggressive."

I often ask in workshops "How many of you grew up with a label, one you've been trying to escape for a lifetime?" Many hands go up.

How many of us today are trying to shed labels put on us, ones we still do not understand nor agree with, ones that are affecting our careers and/or family relationships?

How many of us today are passing labels on not only to this generation but the next?

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Article Tags: communication habits, labeling, typeA personalities



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