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New Rules for Listening

Written by: John Brennan

Article Overview: OK, so you know the fundamentals of good listening, eye contact, don't interrupt and all that. But when listening, are you able to accomplish the following challenging objectives?

New Rules for Listening

1. Get the facts of the situation. It's not as easy as it sounds, especially when the person relaying the facts is emotional. You've got to get all the facts, not just the expected facts, the wished for facts, the partial facts, the surface facts, the facts you like, the unspoken facts, the assumed facts or the key facts. You cannot add facts that were not there or subtract facts that were, either.


2. See the situation from the other's perspective. This is challenging when you are the one that is emotional. Feelings interfere with effectiveness. You might not like what you are hearing, you might not like the speaker or you might not value what the speaker values. But you still have to have the discipline and humility to put yourself in their shoes. You must understand the implications of the situation from the speaker's viewpoint and its personal impact on them.


3. Observe the speaker's overt feelings and uncover covert feelings about the situation. This is not "touchy feely" stuff. Feelings have a powerful influence on perception and behavior. You don't truly understand the speaker unless you get this part right.


4. Read and respond to subtle body language. No surprise here. When speaker s are unsure, ambivalent, conflicted or even lying about the facts, they find it difficult to express themselves. Their words say one thing, and their body language says another. You must be able to pick up on these mixed messages quickly and respond to them with empathy and/or a clarifying question.


5. Communicate your understanding back to the speaker in a way that deepens their awareness and understanding of their own needs and aspirations. It's called empathy and it is very hard to do. But if you can pull it off you will have a friend and admirer forever.


So how did you do? If you still think you are a really good listener, take this home and ask your spouse/partner how well they think you do when listening to them.

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Article Tags: eye contact, listening eye



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