Build Rapport and Build Great Relationships

The principles and techniques of rapport hold the key to good communication. It is based on the idea that we like to communicate with people who we perceive to be like us. This is because we will only be influenced by people who we think like us as a person. It works best when feelings are authentic - that you genuinely care about the other person and have their interests at heart. To get the outcome you want, you need to influence others to get the desired effect. This hinges on getting connected with what others want. Seek first to show that you understand and can empathise. Without feeling the respect and trust that comes from rapport, the rest of the conversation and relationship will have little impact.

Have you ever noticed how conversation just seems to flow when two people are in rapport? Their bodies as well as their words match each other.  One sign that rapport is happening is when people in conversation adopt the same or similar physical postures and mannerisms. Just watch a couple in a restaurant or friends meeting in a pub, they dance the dance of rapport! Picking up their drinks in unison, matching each other's body language and speaking styles -  is all part of the dance!

What we say can create or destroy rapport, but interestingly only 7% of communication is the spoken word. Our body language and our tone of voice are more important than the actual words spoken. You may not be consciously aware that you match and mirror until your awareness is raised and you get a chance to practice it to a point where it becomes a good habit. And practice is needed because it requires you to mirror facial movements, tone of voice, pace of speech, language used and for you to use active listening.

Done well, rapport is a powerful way of influencing others. Match their behaviour, pace your response and lead a change of rhythm. Have you ever admired someone who just knows when to ask that 'killer question', or when to stay silent, or when to stop pushing for an answer? If you have, you're about to learn their secrets!

It's all about reading someone's non-verbal communications. By heightening your sensory perception (your awareness of the senses- seeing, hearing and feeling) you will develop the skills you admire and be able to develop great relationships. Rapport skills enable you to quickly put others at ease and create trust. These skills allow you to get on with anyone anywhere, greatly increases your confidence and effectiveness. It also makes it easier for others to communicate with you. When you first start to observe others and see how they use (or fail to use) rapport, note the consequences.

If getting rapport feels daunting or embarrassing, start with 'cross over matching'.  For example; if someone crosses their arms, cross your legs. If they tap their pen, just twirl yours. Don't worry about the person noticing, this rarely happens.  Just learn to move with the rhythm of the other person, not in an obvious copying way, but by following gently and with sensitivity. Match them to a degree, not in every way. There are only two limits to your ability to produce results in this area ,How 'switched on' or aware you are to other people's postures, gestures and speech patterns and the elegance with which you can match them in the 'dance' of rapport.

When you have reached a state of 'flow' you can start to lead them towards a slower rhythm by changing the pace of your speech for example. Having rapport and being able to lead others makes it easier to achieve mutually desired outcomes such as reaching agreement. BUT building rapport is a lot more than just matching people's behaviour. It involves appealing to styles of communication and people's expectations. Seek first to understand.

Rapport is essential for any meaningful communication to take place, to engage someone's attention. Just because you are telling someone what to do does not mean you are communicating. The more subtly you get into the style of the other person the more you will understand what their motives, attitude, values, beliefs and feelings are. Facial expression and general demeanor are important in all cases, as it can help to communicate mood. To generate enthusiasm you need to be enthusiastic yourself. Remember, whatever your words might say, the signals in your tone of voice, eye movements and body language will betray your real attitude and intentions.

You can show that you are like others in the way that you think and behave. For example, some people are pessimists and others are optimists. Some are tidy, whilst others are disorganized. Some people think in pictures, whilst others think in words or feelings. This is our preferred way of representing the world. We need to know this because it affects the way we learn and go about listening to others. It also has an impact on how we see the world - our world view or mental map.Listen to others and discover sensory preferences. Visual people  say things like- "I see what you mean", "It appears to me ", whilst Auditory people may use phrases such as- "In a manner of speaking ", "It rings a bell with me" and Kinesthetic people may say- "I feel it in my bones" "She is a warm hearted person", "He's Thick Skinned",

To find out preferences you need to watch and listen. Pay attention to what excites them and changes their state from interest to curiosity. What do they pay attention to? Notice the smallest changes so you can trace patterns of body movement associated with a change of thinking. Managers who listen with care and skill are in my experience few and far between. Those who have it, generate immense respect and influence over others. 

When you listen with rapport you are listening with your whole body attentive and focused on the other person. You're not only listening to their words but getting insights into what they are thinking and feeling. You influence the conversation with your non-verbal behaviour more than anything else you do.

TRY THIS:

Listen with your whole body and focus 100% on the other person. How do you feel about being with this person? Notice their demeanor, breathing rate, eye movements. Rapport is a state of being with someone so closely that you feel you are entering their world.

You can identify a person's thinking process by their eye movements. This is known as a person's Lead Representational System - the system that an individual uses to retrieve a piece of internal information from memory to input it into consciousness. We move our eyes to the top of our head when we are accessing visual thoughts.  We keep our eyes in the middle of our heads level with our ears when we are accessing auditory thoughts. We look down when we are accessing kinaesthetic thoughts (that's why depressed people look down a lot).

Rapport requires a buoyant and sincere wish to understand the other person - see the world as they see it. At the same time you have to be self-aware and self-accepting, letting your own barriers down, free of the need to defend yourself. When you no longer fear others you will not feel the need to protect yourself from being different.

If you are prepared to use these skills consciously, you can create rapport with whoever you choose. You don't have to like the person to create rapport; you are simply building a bridge to understand them better. You will not know how effective this is or what results you'll get unless you try it. Discover the magic of rapport and join the dance!