Anger is Fear Based

Anger

You cannot be angry without being afraid of something. If you want to resolve your anger, locate the underlying fear. To identify and handle the underlying fear, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What am I afraid of?
2. Where did this fear come from? Is the fear from childhood, a fantasy, or out-of-controlness? Wherever you discover your fear began it is important to identify its origin.
3. What would happen if you let the fear go?
4. How is the fear serving you? Even the negative aspects and feelings around fear must be serving you somehow or else you wouldn't be holding onto it. Many people use fear as a motivating factor or an attempt to regain (or maintain) control over a potentially negative aspect of life. When you identify fear and observe how it is serving you, it gives you a better sense of reality.
5. What is really the worst thing that could happen? It is important to ask yourself, "What really is the worst rather than fantasizing about the worst. Take your fear to the most extreme situation to discover no matter what--you'll be okay. You may not be comfortable along the way, but you'll be okay.
6. How could you let the fear go? Brainstorm some ways that you can let your fear go and replace it with Faith. Know that no matter what, "You'll make it through the scary situation."
7. After discovering the "how" to let the fear go, ask yourself, "Am I willing to let the fear go?" If you are, make a decision on when you will let it go. Write the action steps down and make an agreement with yourself to no longer be fearful of the situation. If you decide that fear is serving you (motivating, safeguarding, etc.) then, accept the fact that you are willing to hold onto the fear even though it is getting in your way and making you angry.

Remember from my previous E-zines, Fear is not real. You can be regretful of the past. The present is before you now and usually, the present isn't all that scary. BUT, you can only be fearful of the future. Since the future hasn't arrived, the future is not real. Since the future is not real and you can only be fearful of future situations, fear is not real either.

Many people will live in the past (with regret) and the future (unreal reality). Since many good people are living in the past and future, they miss "being" in the present. When we don't live in the present, we miss-out on our beingness. Being what? A Human being who is enjoying the present.

When a person isn't living as a Human Being in the present, a complete distortion of reality occurs. Since one of the primary objectives of human beings is to control their environment, it is not possible for a fearful person to gain control over their present environment by living in a distorted future state. To gain control over your life, keep your thoughts away from the scary future and in the present. What can you do about the future now?

A common byproduct of future fear is anger. You can't be angry without fear. Fear is the basis for anger. Whenever a person is angry, he or she must stop, and ask, "What am I afraid of that is making me angry?"

Many times, at first, nothing will come to mind. Continue exploring within your mind by asking yourself questions like, "If I was afraid, what could I be fearful of?" Soon, you'll find the underlying fear.

So, many people have asked me, "What about arguments? Aren't arguments based around fear? My answer is, "Only part of the argument is based on fear. The other part is based on 'rightness'".

When two people argue, fear may be present for the "anger" portion of the disagreement, but the major motivation for arguments is "rightness". It is the ego's desire to be right. Arguments can only continue as long as two or more people desire to be more right than the other. As soon as one individual loses the need to be "right", the argument soon dissipates. Arguments can only perpetuate as long as two or more of the people are trying to prove their rightness.

Next time you are angry at someone and find yourself in an argument, ask yourself the questions in the Fear Rundown above and then, ask yourself, "Is it really worth the time (life) that I'm expending on this argument to be right?" If not, concede your need to be right for the opportunity to be happy again.

Although human beings have a number of objectives, the primary is happiness. Since our primary objective is happiness, do the things that bring happiness and avoid those that prevent happiness. Anger, rightness, and fear, will ensure you not to possess happiness. Learn to stay in the present and avoid these negative things and happiness will be more of your state of being.

Until we talk again in the future, I am at peace


In loving service,
Dr. Michael J. Duckett