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Appreciate Your Adversaries, III

Guest post by: Michael Hume

Article Overview: Who are your "adversaries" these days? You probably have one or two (hopefully not a lot more than two) people who seem to oppose you in work, and in life. In some cases, your adversary sets himself in solid, committed opposition to you, and can't be dealt with in any way but to fight the good fight and defeat him. But for most of life's adversaries, I'd say it's better to first try a little appreciation....

Appreciate Your Adversaries, III

How To "Coach" Your Opponents Who are your "adversaries" these days? You probably have one or two (hopefully not a lot more than two) people who seem to oppose you in work, and in life. In some cases, your adversary sets himself in solid, committed opposition to you, and can't be dealt with in any way but to fight the good fight and defeat him. But for most of life's adversaries, I'd say it's better to first try a little appreciation.

It's hard to appreciate your adversaries. Often, you feel there's no good reason for her to oppose you; or, it's typical to feel like there just isn't enough common ground (especially on personal values) to serve as a foundation for any kind of relationship. That's because there are two types of person out there, and in each of us - the confident, collaborative "Entrepreneur" and the critical, political "Victim." You might not own a business, but if you're self-reliant and you presume to take on leadership (even just to do your best at any job), you'll find adversaries popping up from the ranks of the Victims around you.

So how can you turn this built-in conflict to collaboration... how can you neutralize the opposition from your adversaries, and even (possibly) turn them into friends? Again, sometimes it's impossible, but often you can make more headway with your adversaries than you'd think. You might actually be able to "coach" your opponent to drop some - maybe even all - of his opposition to your good aims.

Start by checking yourself, and making sure you're not actually playing the part of the Victim. We all have an inner Victim, as well as an inner Entrepreneur, and we're all dominated by the one we nourish. You're not always going to be at your best, but if you're having a bad time, make sure your attitude hasn't diminished to the point that your inner Victim's starting to get the upper hand. Get some excellent coaching if you need it (give me a call). In any event, know that appreciating your adversaries is a good way to feed your inner Entrepreneur - as I've noted in previous pieces in this series.

Next, see if you can establish a feedback relationship with your opponent. Start by asking her for feedback (really!)... not only does it show that you're willing to meet her halfway, it forces her to be more honestly critical of you (and to be open with you about her criticism) - if she'll do it. When you ask a person to give an objective evaluation of your performance, it takes her mind off undermining you long enough to figure out how to articulate what feels like a defensible case against you. It makes her feel more powerful, which feeds her inner Entrepreneur and leaves her inner Victim wanting. And guess what: you might learn something! Maybe you really are acting a little bit like the ass she seems to think you are.

Don't expect a Victim to deliver feedback with empathy (though you should expect yourself to do so). Even if it comes off as more of a dressing-down, find something good in the feedback you receive. Most importantly, try to act on it.

At some point, you should also ask your opponent for permission to give him feedback, too (if you start by honestly seeking and responding to feedback, it's hard for your adversary to say "no" in return). When you give him feedback, though, keep these important things in mind. First, you're modeling for him what good feedback is - so don't dress him down, even (especially) if he took the opportunity to dig into you. Don't overwhelm him - give him feedback on the one or two most important behaviors you think he should address. He might have a list of faults as long as your arm, but start with the one or two biggies. And deliver your feedback "professionally."

Professional feedback starts by citing a concrete, specific example of the behavior in question, and this must be accurate and irrefutable. Don't say "The other day you made me look bad in front of a customer" - instead, say exactly what happened; then, as a second step, add your assessment of the impact of that behavior on you. Say something more like "The other day, when Mrs. Johnson came into the shop, you told her I was not up-to-speed on the new line... I felt like that unnecessarily made me look bad, and made the company look bad." And professional feedback always ends with a positive, actionable suggestion, such as "Next time, if you have questions about my abilities, please bring them up with me directly, out of the hearing of any customers."

If your opponent starts taking a better tack, give her positive feedback on that, too - without fail! Imagine being able to tell her this: "The other day, Mr. Miller came into the shop and asked about the new line. I know you have reservations about my approach, but you told him I could help him and supported me, and we made the sale. I appreciate that... please keep doing it!"

Establishing a feedback relationship is a great way to ease into a coaching relationship. More importantly, it's a great technique for feeding the inner Entrepreneur of both you and your adversary, and starving your inner Victims. It's both a signal that you're willing to find something in your opponent to appreciate, and a method for finding that appreciation. And if you can appreciate your adversaries, you'll build a strong reputation for inspirational leadership. So before you "write off" that person with whom you've come into opposition, try feedback and coaching. You both have little to lose, and much to gain.

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Article Tags: entrepreneurship, health wealth and happiness, inspirational leadership, personal responsibility



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